What the hell just happened?

Rollercoaster of a day yesterday.

Apparently things ARE happening with all that meditating and not eating wheat and not sure what else however…

Yesterday I got a call from the doctor’s office after I’d had blood tests for my sugar and cholesterol on Friday. My heart sank – they don’t ring unless something is wrong! And something was wrong, but it wasn’t my sugar levels or my cholesterol! Nope, all is good with them now, thank goodness! Was going to have to bite the bullet and get the diabetes test if they came up bad.

No, instead it was my iron levels. Pretty much on the bottom of the range and needing to be boosted right away! I don’t have periods so I don’t lose iron in that way. However we have been eating less and less red meat, so perhaps that is starting to have an impact? We are eating more vegetables though, but apparently not the ones high in iron! As an aside, did having my operation cause some blood loss that triggered this deficiency? I don’t know however after a bout of (approved by doctor) supplements and checking more red meat into my diet (and OK, probably some other vegetables too!) hopefully it will be sorted the next time I have a test, in about three months time.

Did I have any symptoms? Well, looking at what the symptoms of iron deficiency are, I did! Especially when you consider that iron is what gets the oxygen around the body! So fatigue, breathlessness (I thought I was just terribly unfit, because I am!), forgetting things and actually, some circulation issues (cold toes and that is NOT me generally) in the last few months were things I was experiencing. There were no thoughts about what might be causing that apart from the dreaded diabetes.

So that was the good news!

However, I also feel like I’m bingeing in the last few days. I’m really craving the chocolate after dinner and frankly, during the day as well! I’m not hungry… I just want it.

What is the meditation stirring up for me? Since it is specifically about losing weight (both real and metaphorical), has my stuff been poked into action again?

I have been previously stuck on a number – 100. I’ve been hovering around it for months but after the surgery I busted through it. Well obviously, I’d had two kilos lifted from my body!

So that is a new benchmark and so far I’ve been stable and dropping. The trend continues down. BUT there is always that nagging feeling that eventually it will stop and turn around because aren’t I meant to be fat? Do I deserve to be healthier, really? What if I get thinner and vain? What if…

Losing weight has not been an issue if I diet. It’s always keeping it off permanently that’s the problem. That’s why I’ve been on this journey for a little over a year now and lost around ten kilos in that time (including my boob reduction). I’ve gone up and down but the trend goes down. I’ve made only small, easy and manageable changes to my life so they are sustainable long term.

But although I’m physically capable of losing weight, emotionally, I just keep holding on. And then I eat and then I feel shame. I wish it would just let me go.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring,

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