Day five post surgery.
There are things that you don’t really think of when you go in for these things. Like the practical situation of not being able to shower and still being too tired and sore to sponge bath yourself. The lovely is very good, but feeling so vulnerable was not in the paperwork.
I was off the Endone but had to take it again last night as I was having a myriad of pain – the compression bra on the bruising is an interesting sensation. It’s not horribly painful but at the same time, you just want it to stop!
Again today’s wash down was accompanied by my feeling that there was not enough taken – that this has been a lot of time and money and burden for others for not much reward. The lovely reminds me that she is going to get two bags of 1 kilo sugar and pop them around my neck so I can appreciate that it will make a difference. I think I look at it with impatient eyes. I presume there is a lot of swelling but it’s also hard to look without thinking, ‘there’s still so much there’.
I feel like I should be doing more things but at the same time, I’m not sleeping well and I feel woozy if I stay up too long. I know that time will fix this – already I feel less pain in some places than before.
I can feel spots where my new nipples are and they are not happy sensations. However, nothing is excruciating so thank goodness for that!
I feel like I’m not really handling this very well emotionally – I don’t want to be disappointed by the result but it’s hard to convince myself at this point that it is all going to be OK in a few months time. I’m not sure why I expect it to be different than other situations – is it because I have done this by my own volition, spent thousands of our money on just me and had other people have to look after me because of my choice?
It’s a bit easier to rationalise when you are ill and something needs to be fixed. Less so when you have chosen to put yourself through all this for something that may or may not make a difference long term. Or not really a difference but a ‘substantial’ difference.
Anyway, I’m sure this doubt will pass (or am I – perhaps it’s more hope than sure at this point) once the healing starts really moving forward.
Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring,