Awake

I’ve woken from a dream in which I’m in my family home with my parents. We are fighting and because I am gay they think I’m not good enough. They bring in two ‘experts’ to help me but I flee my home. I see my mother at my bedroom window and I know she is going to destroy things, my things. From the bottom of the street I look at her in the window and say ‘go fuck yourself’. There is so much rage from her and from me in this moment.

Now I am unable to sleep – it’s been an hour – because my broken heart needs to be defended and I know I have to say something to my mother.

My mother who voted no in the recent marriage equality survey here in Australia. The one that would give my relationship the same legal rights as hers and my brother’s. My father voted no too.

I thought this pain of rejection was dealt with but it rises like vomit from my teenage years through the action of the postal survey.

I avoided talking to my parents about it because I ‘knew’ they would vote no and I didn’t want to hear their arguments for why I was a lesser person than them.

However, these major truths can’t be hidden or avoided. Just like my pain they rise and bubble to the surface in some way or another.

My parents would not like to come to my legal wedding celebration, according to my mother.

That they voted no because of their religious beliefs is one thing. That they wouldn’t wholeheartedly support my relationship equality under the law is another.

I need to confront my mother about this. It isn’t something that can go away. So now that conflict hangs over me and infects my dreams.

Perhaps I shall sleep again now I have written this down. Perhaps not.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring,

Tanya

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