Under the weight of living part 2

Don’t mind the Bastille reference.

In the last few weeks it has been very stressful at work. Usually I don’t get stressed about task based things – I can handle them.

However this was a big and important piece of work and although I had a bit of help, a large portion of it fell to me to get done on time for a pilot.

I worked longer days for the last three weeks to get it all done in time – including over the weekend which I almost never do!

What did all this working and pressure do to me?

  • I was physically tired and needed extra treatments for my various elbow and neck issues to keep me going.
  • I went for one or two less walks in those weeks because I ran out of time or was too tired after work.
  • I was mentally tired and towards the deadline I was unable to make other decisions – work or otherwise – with any clarity or thought.
  • I became emotionally fraught. My patience for any sort of back chat or kid grump was zero. My patience for my lovely’s needs was by the end, also zero.
  • I was a lot quieter at work and at home, resulting in the more perceptive people around both places to either offer assistance (work) or wonder what was wrong (home).
  • I devolved to my teenage self – when put in my place by my mother I said ‘OK, whatever’ and I threw tantrums.
  • My depression was not as manageable. After the rage was the devastation.
  • I contained inside myself a whirling rage that was unable to be released in any safe way. I could feel it moving inside me – the red energy buzzing around pulling my body this way and that, wanting to explode.
  • According to the scales, I put on weight again two weeks in a row.

That part of work has now concluded and things return a little more to normal.

I want to not have that situation happen again, where something super stressful at work was so unmanageable that I bought it home and had it build up so much inside of me.

So here is what I think I need to do next time something like this comes up:

  • Continue to do my breathing exercises before sleep – I did successfully sleep for the most part because I was able to clear my mind.
  • Not skimp on the exercise – I need to push through the urge to just collapse on the couch in my PJs and go for a walk first.
  • Try to not hold onto the weight – I don’t think I ate that much more, but I did hold onto it emotionally and I don’t want to do that in future.
  • Somehow, and I’m not quite sure how right now, have a practice of letting go mentally and emotionally of the stress.
  • Do some harmless release of that red energy – pillow punching or yelling or whatever. Even more exercise.

Somewhere in there you’d think there would be manage my work better, but trust me, that wasn’t the issue causing the stress.

I just don’t want to bring home that stuff – the self loathing and the striking out – again.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring


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