Me and Lea

Great chick and well, I’m a little bit similar to Ms Delaria in the health stakes right now!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring

Tanya

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Mantra

So my fear soothing mantra is:

I am safe

I am protected

All is well

Thank you for your service

There are moments when I give love to my body and this morning as I dried off after the shower I realised that this body has put its life on the line for me. And I’m so grateful for that and need to look after it better.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring

Tanya

Number three

On a related note to tonight’s two previous blogs, I had a dream about myself.

It was a dream about a post breast reduction me and I had also lost lots of weight. I was looking super femme and even wearing heels. The dress was black in case you were wondering.

The main issue about this (aside that I was in my grandmother’s house for some reason), was that in the Big Brother style place I was in, men were chasing me around. I ended up locking myself in a toilet to get away from them. I hated the attention. I felt horrible about it. I didn’t want it. The toilet was quite a confined space. The end.

Back in real life, I’m having a boob job.

man_naked_boobs

(Not me but a picture of boobs)

I’ve always had big boobs and I have always had male attention because of that. It’s not something that I’ve enjoyed.

My breasts have been something I’ve been proud of and burdened by. I’m having them reduced for neck and back issues so that I can continue to work for another eleven years in an office. After that, I hope to enjoy some different pursuits in retirement (still quite young for these days but I’m one of the lucky ones).

For me, the dream is saying the unwanted attention from men will not go away. It’s a fear that the weight I lose and the effort I undertake to be healthier will still only result in being attractive to the wrong people.

It’s my stuff going, you’re not good enough to be attractive – it makes you feel yuck – so don’t do it. That’s my interpretation at the moment.

However, I will do it because I know that fear is not justified and every person I tell says they know someone who has experienced the reduction and been very happy with it.

I’ll endeavour to continue to lose weight because I have to, but also as a consequence of leaving behind the emotions attached to it. That I no longer need to be protected by this coat of fat. That I am beautiful and good enough and don’t need to hide any more.

It’s still scary and will be an elongated journey. This physique didn’t happen overnight!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
Tanya

The shame of it all

I just wrote about my doctor telling me that I might have diabetes and being totally resistant to the whole thing.

The fact is, I feel great shame that I got myself to this point.

I’ve written many times about my body, body image and how food is an addiction.

Recently I’ve tried to have a better relationship with food, working with a hypnotherapist to let go of some of the emotions that hold onto food.

I made some small but important changes in my physical world, like fruit break (almost daily), cutting soft drink (soda for the American’s playing along), cutting my teaspoon of sugar out of all but one cup of tea a day.  Exercising three times a week.

This has been working steadily over the last five months – it’s slow but the trend is down and that’s what I’ve been focussing on.

However, it hasn’t worked. According to the blood tests – pretty irrefutable – I have not done enough.

And I feel ashamed about this, because I knew I had to do something and what I did was not enough.

Again, I was not good enough. But I have only myself to blame because even as I was eating the chocolate I knew it wasn’t the good choice to make.

Listening to Brene Brown the other day talking about her book Daring Greatly, the topic of shame came up quite a bit (of course!). One of the things she said was that to eliminate shame, you have to confess it. Silence and secrecy and something else I can’t remember grow shame. Her plan – tell a trusted person who will empathise.

I’ve told the lovely that I feel this way. This post is probably a little more detailed than our conversation. This is to myself but also to the few readers out there who might resonate with some of the things I say.

I tried but I didn’t try hard enough and I’m ashamed of that. I’m scared that I’ve had my chance and blown it and I feel guilt and shame about that.

So now I have made my confession, my next move is compassion.

My previous post was about talking to my fear and body about thanking them for their attention but I don’t need to be protected right now. There is no real danger, just a bit of stress.

Aside from that, I need to forgive myself for potentially stuffing this up. Because it’s not just me, but my daughter (and the other kids) that I am an example for that I’ve let down. I’ve put my daughter especially at risk. She has my genes and my eating habits. My ex and I have failed at avoiding the traps our own parents led us into.

There can be no blame game though. I need to forgive and move through the resistance and fear and get back to it.

I need to take this opportunity and make it work for me. I need to give it another go and this time, I need to do my best, not just try.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
Tanya

 

 

Insert discomfort here

My doctor says he wants me to do a test for diabetes.

I’m completely resistant to the idea. 

I’ve been steadily (if slowly) losing weight this year and regularly exercising. My weight trend is down, despite a spike when I was stressed out a few weeks ago.

He’s basing it on the blood test results that said my sugar and cholesterol was higher than it was four months ago.

I’m like ‘but I lost five kilos and I’ve ditched soft drink AND I’m exercising three times a week AND I eat heaps more fruit now!’.

He’s like ‘so you’re not eating chocolate any more then?’

DOH!

Yeah, I’m still eating chocolate. There’s still more changes that I can make.

So damn, he gave me the ‘you don’t want the diabetes because four pills daily automatically’ and I’m like *pulls face unpleasantly*.

So of course I wanted chocolate the entire day and I did in fact have some. Twice.

I’m so bummed that this could be true. I mean, how did I manage to get it when others in my family have not?

None of this is actually happening yet – I’ve not had the test.

I’m still considering if I will have the test before I go overseas in October or in fact wait and do some more good things and then get him to give me another regular blood test.

This is because that stress spike could be the reason my sugars were out (according to an article that the lovely read recently, stress can affect your sugar levels).

Also, I didn’t fast and I can’t remember if the last one was fasting or not, so maybe not comparing apples with apples (in the slight hope that this will make some sort of downward difference).

Clutching at straws?

Probably.

But let me tell you about the stress spike. Despite several months of trending down (every week actually) I suddenly spiked up.

However, although I did miss one out of three exercise sessions in those two weeks, not much else changed. I didn’t eat more than I was previously. I slept much worse though.

So this is what I reckon. In the stressy weeks at work (and I’ve written previously about the mess I was) my body took that as needing to TAKE COVER!! WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!!!

That’s right. I’m thinking that my body reacted like there was a major crisis – which there was, just not a physical one. So it held on to everything I ate because now we are in trouble Tanya and I WILL SAVE YOU!

I was listening to Liz Gilbert last week and she was talking about talking care of the ‘animal’ of her body and about fear. She spoke about how she constantly talked to her fear and acknowledged it and sat it aside. Not denied it or got angry or resistant to it, but said yep, thanks but we’re not doing anything death defying, it’s just a poem!

So my plan is to talk to my body. I know, it sounds weird and I’ve already been doing it a bit but I want to acknowledge that it’s a good body, a protective body and that it has my best interests at heart, but I’m not fighting a polar bear in an Antarctic winter. It’s just a bit of stress about some work tasks that no one is going to die over.

And of course I’ve just realised that part of that is about fear and being afraid of failing and my body needing to protect me from that, like a shield.

So it’s fear I need to talk to as well.

Also, I don’t want diabetes and I’m quite fearful of that because life is a struggle enough without constantly worrying about everything I put in my mouth (like I’ve done my whole life, except just guilt and shame instead of worry) and having $120 extra a month on medicines forever.

I need to talk to fear and my body and lovingly comfort them and make the changes that will take us all through, without the illness.

Is this avoidance or action? I’m not sure it’s not a bit of both. I want to give it one more try before we go the big diabetes test. Let me see what happens if I make some more changes and manage my stress better.

What did you do when you were confronted with a potentially life changing test?

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
Tanya

Sunset walk

Love this tree (it’s been on here before).

Cloud algae (otherwise known as cloud reflections on the river).

River and the sunset.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring

Tanya