From the position of fighting

When you have been fighting something for what seems like your whole life, it’s hard to stop.

When that something is yourself, it makes it even harder.

I wrote about my weight journey and how I was having some hypnosis to see if I could get to the bottom of the issue.

Apparently I haven’t written much in the last year or so about it! However, I’ve since had two more sessions – the final one earlier this year.

It seemed that it has worked somewhat – since then I have slowly trended down on my weight number. About five kilos.

In the last session, I let go of a lot of emotional baggage. I let it go (even though it tried to stay) and in looking back at myself, I saw that my clothes were baggy. That the coat of weight that hugged my body was no longer there.

It was a pretty amazing moment. I have held onto that image in the intervening months.

Especially at times like now, when other belief systems come creeping in.

The ones that say ‘you are fat and you always will be’ and ‘this is just temporary, you can’t maintain this health trend’ and ‘how is this possible? You’ve been putting on weight for so long, losing it and keeping it off is not going to happen for you.’

These voices have been around for a long time.

I’ve written many times about sugar addiction, food as a drug and as an emotional comfort.

But now I have eliminated that emotional hole, what happens with the food? What happens with my health and my motivation?

This week has been a little tricky. I’ve been losing steadily for a few weeks but last week I put on weight and the week before as well.

My self doubts are being rewarded with results. In turn, I crave the food that gets these results – takeaway, chocolate, eating out (even if it’s not terrible food). I doubt myself further – after just a few months am I returning to my past state?

I try to focus on that image of me in those baggy clothes, like in the movies where someone get’s turned into a child in adult’s clothing and nothing fits.

It’s a swinging pendulum. I endeavour to make ‘good choices’ but fail to get out of bed for some exercise. I try to eat well but end up in the KFC line in the food court.

I’m still doing fruit break each day. I’m still choosing water or iced tea over soft drink. I’ve managed to exercise twice this week out of three times, which is not terrible.

But it all seems not good enough.

Work has been busy and my regular pain has amplified. The lovely is still unwell. New pain arrives. Life continues with no abating except for the sick days from work.

I feel like I’m fighting all the time. The battle mode to get through. When that mode is on, it’s hard to believe I will get to the end goal of my healthy weight and stay there – still at least 20 plus kilos away.

Even though the emotional baggage has been let go, the habits and fall backs are still there.

I feel like I am failing myself and everyone else.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
Tanya

 

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