The chills

This morning the walk was a cool one…minus 5.4 on my phone app. Minus 7 before I got out of bed half an hour earlier!

I wish I could capture the sparkles on the frost but it doesn’t seem to translate- anyone got any ideas?


Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring 

Tanya 

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From the position of fighting

When you have been fighting something for what seems like your whole life, it’s hard to stop.

When that something is yourself, it makes it even harder.

I wrote about my weight journey and how I was having some hypnosis to see if I could get to the bottom of the issue.

Apparently I haven’t written much in the last year or so about it! However, I’ve since had two more sessions – the final one earlier this year.

It seemed that it has worked somewhat – since then I have slowly trended down on my weight number. About five kilos.

In the last session, I let go of a lot of emotional baggage. I let it go (even though it tried to stay) and in looking back at myself, I saw that my clothes were baggy. That the coat of weight that hugged my body was no longer there.

It was a pretty amazing moment. I have held onto that image in the intervening months.

Especially at times like now, when other belief systems come creeping in.

The ones that say ‘you are fat and you always will be’ and ‘this is just temporary, you can’t maintain this health trend’ and ‘how is this possible? You’ve been putting on weight for so long, losing it and keeping it off is not going to happen for you.’

These voices have been around for a long time.

I’ve written many times about sugar addiction, food as a drug and as an emotional comfort.

But now I have eliminated that emotional hole, what happens with the food? What happens with my health and my motivation?

This week has been a little tricky. I’ve been losing steadily for a few weeks but last week I put on weight and the week before as well.

My self doubts are being rewarded with results. In turn, I crave the food that gets these results – takeaway, chocolate, eating out (even if it’s not terrible food). I doubt myself further – after just a few months am I returning to my past state?

I try to focus on that image of me in those baggy clothes, like in the movies where someone get’s turned into a child in adult’s clothing and nothing fits.

It’s a swinging pendulum. I endeavour to make ‘good choices’ but fail to get out of bed for some exercise. I try to eat well but end up in the KFC line in the food court.

I’m still doing fruit break each day. I’m still choosing water or iced tea over soft drink. I’ve managed to exercise twice this week out of three times, which is not terrible.

But it all seems not good enough.

Work has been busy and my regular pain has amplified. The lovely is still unwell. New pain arrives. Life continues with no abating except for the sick days from work.

I feel like I’m fighting all the time. The battle mode to get through. When that mode is on, it’s hard to believe I will get to the end goal of my healthy weight and stay there – still at least 20 plus kilos away.

Even though the emotional baggage has been let go, the habits and fall backs are still there.

I feel like I am failing myself and everyone else.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
Tanya

 

The Wonder Woman surprise

Probably spoiler alerts.

Just saw Wonder Woman movie and it was truly fantastic.

The biggest surprise I got though was the crying.

Not hers. Mine!

I’d already smiled, laughed and frowned. Felt sad.

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But it was at this point I started to weep.

I still really don’t know why.

At this point of the movie, Diana has been trooping through the war front with Captain Steve Trevor and the gang to try to find – for her – Ares (for them, the German weapon stash).

Through the trenches they weave, until they come across a woman and child who begs Diana to do something to save the village, which has been taken by the German army.

But it’s no mans land, and no one crosses it, as Steve points out. But Diana has walked past enough of the horror by this point. She decides to make a stand here.

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As she runs across no man’s land and deflects bullets, tears ran down my face.

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They didn’t stop as she doubles down and takes machine gun fire, deflecting it with her shield so Captain Trevor and co. can make their way across and rescue the town.

Why did this moment trigger the waterworks for me?

I really don’t know. Was it the pointlessness of war that still rages on today, that this depiction of the War to End All Wars was supposed to stop?

Was it Diana’s turning point, when she became no longer unmoved by the suffering?

Whatever it was, it was certainly an unexpected addition to the movie!

Meanwhile, the lovely and I enjoyed it very much. It is a great movie, not just because Gal Gadot is brilliant as Wonder Woman, playing her with a beautiful subtlety and emotion.

The action is packed, bad guys bad (although I note the addition of the female evil chemist complete with facial scar has disappointed some with facial dis-figuration, and I get why) and the humour often.

Director Patty Jenkins did a great job over all.

I would have loved to see more of Captain Trevor’s trusty secretary Etta Candy – witty and warm, and full of her own courage when required.

The Amazons were perfectly gorgeous, athletic – Robin Wright was excellent as the General.

Yes, there was a love interest – Chris Pine’s Captain Steve Trevor. To be honest, he was OK and I understand his point as the person who educated Diana to the ways of ‘man’ – that they were neither all good or all bad. I just think it could have been done without the kissy kissy bit.

But I confess I’m a lesbian with an agenda there, so I guess it could have been worse! (Let’s hope the next love interest is female.)

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Go see it – enjoy the ride! You never know what might happen!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
Tanya