The last time 

Can you imagine if this was our last interaction?


It might have been and that tears me up.

How could I ever forgive myself for not taking the call? 

How alternately angry and devastated I would be. 

Angry at you. Angry at me.

Devastated because you would be gone. 

Devastated for your mother and your siblings and myself.

I know when you have a mental illness there are some choices you cannot make. 

But it’s so hard to be on the other side from you.

If you are thinking or feeling suicidal, please keep calling until you get someone. Keep calling. Send the text that I was waiting for that said ‘it’s urgent’.

Don’t let ‘I can’t talk  right now’ be the last thing you hear from me. Or anyone.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring 

Tanya

LIFELINE 131114

Boobs

*Note, there are no pictures of breasts in this post. However, here is someone else’s photo of the blue footed booby from the Galapagos Island.

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I’m getting a boob job.

Not the sort that makes you bigger, but the sort that makes you smaller.

I’m not sure what people see in large breasts. They really are a bit of a pain! Since I was a teenager I’ve had large breasts and they’ve been a focus for me and my lovers, but also for others – in the office, on the street, in restaurants. The male gaze has been ever present, and as a lesbian, that can at times be quite confronting.

Even now I’m conscious of male work colleagues (usually older) who can’t stop staring at them. I find it off-putting and gross. I don’t want them looking at me like that. I don’t want my large breasts to be all that people see when they look at me.

Don’ get me wrong, they aren’t as big as these (go on, have a look, I’ll wait…) but they are certainly big enough to catch the eye of most men. Even when I’m bigger – being fat does not deter them from checking out my boobs!

In my thirties I became injured at work. I’ve talked about that stuff before on here, but one of the things that I was told by medical practitioners was that getting a breast reduction would assist my symptoms greatly.

I’ve actually considered a breast reduction for a long time – even before I was injured. They are cumbersome, droopy (almost since inception they pointed down), get in the way of lying on my stomach. Bras have to be solid underwire jobs to cope and replaced frequently – I don’t have bras for years like some people I know!

Then there is what you don’t see – underneath is sweaty and can get pimples or cysts – painful and unpleasant!

When I exercise they are additional factors – special bras to keep them in line, sometimes holding them when I run spontaneously; doing the child’s pose in yoga is next to impossible.

Sexually, they added pleasure to my lovers but aside from enjoying them playing, I got no other benefit – large breasts have less sensitivity than smaller ones.

I’m now an F but was probably a DD for most of my life.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate my boobs. They are what they are – part of me – and I’ve always been careful to not wish them away (the Universe has ways of doing these things that don’t necessarily match with expectations).

I’ve never wanted them removed totally – they are part of my femaleness and I identify as a woman (despite often presenting quite butch).

I’ve resisted the surgery until now because I didn’t want to be out of proportion. My boobs are part of my curvy body – it’s never been skinny so having smaller breasts on a bigger body may not match too well.

However, I’m now in my mid 40s and past the point of caring what others might think of me physically (with a caveat that I obviously want to be attractive to my lovely). I’ve seen enough women with small breasts on large frames to know that I don’t think any less of them so why would it matter if I had that too?

Things that surprised me about the surgery

I’ve been to see one surgeon so far and here are a couple of things I was surprised about:

  • it’s only an overnight stay and two weeks off work
  • I need liposuction beside my breasts to remove excess breast tissue and fat so that it looks more natural
  • my stomach will look bigger once my boobs are smaller (it’s already bigger) and
  • I might need to come back and get loose skin fixed under my armpits if it doesn’t go back by itself after the lipo.

For such a major operation I’m quite surprised at the recovery time, but this is due to the work being done above the chest wall, not into it.

One of the things I’m most anxious about is waking up after the surgery. They have to pack the chest and bind it tightly for around 24 hours, and this restricts breathing. I’ll be in pain, quite a lot of pain, and also not be able to breathe fully, so I’m already anticipating the panic this will bring. Of course, this is something I need to work on before the surgery so I can manage this – it won’t be good if I’m freaking out!

I keep asking my lovely if she is Ok with what is happening. Not in the sense of the surgery itself, because I know she is concerned about that but I’m not worried about coming out of it OK.

I’m worried that she will not find my breasts as satisfying as she does now. She loves the curves, the way they sit when I’m lying next to her in bed. As someone who hasn’t been with many women, these are the breasts she knows the most and I see how much she likes the way they are.

Will she like them as much when they are smaller? Scarred? Not sitting or curving the way they do now? I don’t think either of us know the answer to that, but she is very supportive and I know she loves me for who I am, and my body for what it is.

The second surgeon consult is in a few days time, and then we will make a decision about who to go with and when to do it.

I’m pretty positive that it will make a big difference to my life. Practitioners and friends have said that people they know who’ve had a breast reduction have not looked back. They love it and they wouldn’t change it.

I look forward to that phase!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring,
Tanya

 

 

 

 

 

A person’s blog 

I have just passed my four year anniversary and my 500th blog post on this forum.

In it I have explored the break downs and break ups, the joys and heart ache of living in my self. 

I’ve posted photos a lot in the last few years as I write less. I enjoy the expression of my world in the visual. 

But I still have plenty to say.

Thank you to everyone who rides with me on this random ship of me! 

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring 

Tanya