Soap-gate

The lovely has five children, four of which live with us.

Two of them, the male ones, have an issue with the cake of soap. We have one bathroom and one shower and one cake of soap for everyone.

They don’t want to use it because of the germs. Or bacteria. Or the fact that it goes on other people’s bodies as well as theirs. They find it gross. I’ve really no real idea why this theory has evolved in them, but there you go, it has.

It makes me annoyed. Quite a lot more annoyed than I probably should be.

After all, what do I care? Aside from the fact they use the shampoo as soap, which is an expensive solution and also bad for their skin.

Why do I care so much when they say they think using that soap is gross? Why do I feel the need to defend the use of the soap?

I’ve gone through the scenarios and I’ve tried to work it all out.

They don’t seem particularly worried about wearing the same socks for days on end (and that is not a nice smell, let me mention). They don’t seem to be worried about the toilet being dirty or the bath – both of which I cleaned myself today.

You see, my theory is that if something is bugging you that much for a real reason, you might actually take action. And if they are so worried about germs and bacteria, why don’t they seem to care about where else it is, not just the bar of soap in our shower?

But even all this is a ruse. Because it really doesn’t matter why two teenage boys are being precious about using a bar of soap with the rest of the family. Their reasons are theirs and they will need to sort that out.

What I want to do is stop being so angry about it.

And today, on another internal shower rant it finally became clear to me.

When they say they don’t want to use the soap because it’s gross and it’s been on other people and has their germs, (even though science says this is not an issue – go research it) they are saying that I’M GROSS.

They are saying that I’m the one who is not good enough for them.

Of course, that’s not what they are actually saying out loud. And it’s probably not what they’re saying unconsciously either. They have their own stuff that’s driving it, whatever that may be.

However, that is exactly what I’m hearing. I’m hearing that what I do, what I choose, is not good enough. That means that I’m not good enough.

All of my life I’ve struggled with the ‘not good enough’ stuff. Not good enough because I’m a lesbian, or fat, or not pretty enough or not as good at school or not as good at work.

All of those ‘not good enough’ feelings have now landed on a cake of soap.

When they say they don’t want the soap, what my inner child hears is they don’t want me. It’s not good enough for them is saying that I’m not good enough for them.

So now I have finally discovered why it’s such an issue for me, I’ll need to work through it.

I’m still not sure what I’ll do about the soap though.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
Tanya

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