Letter to the ex

No, don’t get excited, not my  ex.

My lovely’s ex. Not the short lived girl one (or at least not this time), the long standing boy one.

Dear Mr Ex, 

I would prefer not to be thinking about you. No really, I would! 

Every time I have to think about you it reminds me that you’ve had your hands on her body, your lips on her lips. You’ve heard the things I’ve heard her say.

Nope, I don’t want to think about you. But you keep coming up.

You keep coming up because of your unconscious humanness in this situation called ‘separation’. Divorce. Property settlement.

You are unconscious because you can’t recognise the hand you had in her leaving. 

What would have happened if you actually paid attention to her all those years? I shudder to think that it would mean that I would not be with her now.

Your ex wife.

She is here with me. And you are not making it hard for her to be. You are being a bit of a dick, to be perfectly honest.

You somehow recognise deep inside you what you have lost, or indeed, what you never really had in the first place and it seeps out of you in an unconscious way.

In a way that is so utterly pointless and mean. Just mean! 

For her to leave when she did took courage and strength. Courage and strength you never recognised in her, despite her holding you and your family together all those years.

You never recognised what she did for the children, and even now you can’t seem to admit how challenging raising five kids must have been, since a couple of them are now adults and you don’t have to parent them so much any more.

You complain about everything with no sense of recognition that these are the things that your ex wife did for the family for years. YEARS. While you fell asleep on the couch after work and stayed up late watching TV, who was getting the kids to bed? Who was talking them through their issues and homework?

Sure, you’ve taken them camping a couple of times in the last few years. You’ve had to make a few school lunches. But you complain it’s so hard to manage! After a few months the novelty wore off.

Yet you have barely, in a year, scratched the surface of the sacrifice that your ex wife made for those children and for you. 

You, with your medical crisis and financial issues. 

She did not walk away from you.

You, with your yelling and silence. 

She did not walk away from you.

Instead, she walked away from herself.

Thank goodness she didn’t walk too far away. Thank goodness she realised what she had to do. Thank goodness that she left and started to walk back to herself.

And not only herself, but her true self. The very her of her.

Not that you would appreciate that. 

No doubt you would have been happy to keep the shell of your ex wife running the house, ferrying children. Doing your washing.

All those things you took for granted. 

I’m not saying you never did anything. Or that you are an intrinsically bad person. Or that at some point you didn’t love her.

But dear Mr Ex, you really are being a dick right now.

And she is with me and she is becoming herself.

When you are mean and petty and send threats through your lawyer, it does hurt her. It hurts her like before and she bends like before.

But there is a difference now. The very her of her is different now. And your meanness and your bullshit can’t bend her as far.

Most of that is her, because she is strong and she is brave and she has courage to be herself despite how hard that is.

But a little bit is me.

A little bit is me standing beside her and behind her and although you also try to attack that, you can’t.

Because I don’t think about you. You are nothing to me but the ex of my lovely. I am impervious. And through me your ex wife becomes unbreakable, unbendable, undeniable.

That’s right. You won’t deny her what is rightly hers. And you won’t hurt us in the slightest.

I hope you don’t do the same thing to your girlfriend. The one you call ‘soulmate’. The one you deny on paper for the lawyers because you think it will make a difference somehow.

I don’t think about you except to wonder where your logic comes from and then realise it is because you are unconscious, and unconscious people do illogical things.

I am not perfect and I have hurt her. But I will never do what you did. I will never take her for granted. 

I don’t think of you except to pity you because you have lost a great treasure and I have gained an immeasurable gift.

I hope you soon become more conscious so you can become the person your kids need you to be. I don’t really care except you’re their father and that matters to them.

I hope you soon become more conscious so I can think about you even less.

I wish you, Mr Ex, all the happiness the Universe can bring,
Tanya

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