Motivations – when fear runs the show

Warning: NSFW words shortly.

Well, I tried to do a little bit of practice erotic writing. I haven’t done some in a while and I thought I might need to practice saying the words out loud if I was going to use voice recognition software to write it.

Turns out the voice recognition software isn’t too keen on me saying the word fuck or cunt but will let me say cock, vagina, clitoris, but not clit.

So back to the drawing board with that!

Meanwhile, I was recovered enough last night to start musing about returning to work. I have been off work because of my elbows since the middle of June and now that’s been extended for my surgery recovery.

I started musing because obviously I wasn’t in as much pain and distracted by the whole gallstone thing and as I lay there with the thoughts of my boss and my work situation in my head, I was surprised at how encompassing the operation had been. It was like a meditation, except a very painful one!

I was thinking about how to look at what my boss has done and try and work out why she did it. Why she shut me out; why she was aggressive; why we went from working together really, really well to barely speaking. Where I never got a bad review or referee report before with this boss, now suddenly I have.

I was trying to think what could it be? What could I have possibly done? And then I thought I might take a look from her perspective to see if I could work it out. I have done this before but I also have a bit more information now. Also I was coming at it from a work perspective – as in what value – not a personal perspective.

The main thing that I can see is that my boss (and her boss) want me to be in the office five days a week. This does not sound so extraordinary, no? I’ve been working full-time, four days a week for a year and a half and there has never been any issue that they have expressed with me having my particular one day off. Note I am working full-time. They already have me there full-time.

However in the new world that the is the new structure my department is implementing, there is only one person of my level in my team. It could be said that if this person was me – if I get the job let alone a job – and I have a number of staff then it may be that I would need to spend some part of all five days in the office.

Part of working this way is so I can look after my child. The department I work for states that I am entitled to a work/life balance. As I now only have my child half of the time, the thought of going back to work on this day is a threat to me. Not to mention my fear of my elbow injury recurring or worse, never getting better.

So I am always going to defend this position. I am protecting myself and my child. In my mind keeping those working hours is a little bit like fighting for my life and time with my child.

I can tell you that trying to manage someone who feels the way that I did about the situation is going to be very tricky. If I am in a defensive position, you don’t want to attack. You need to come around beside me and convince me that you are right. That I am not losing anything by doing this.

Unfortunately I don’t think my boss, despite her experience, and her knowledge of me, knew how to handle this particular situation.

So what if the aggression, the isolating behaviour, the snapping, the missed emails, the more strident management style, the “you have not done things right”…what if all of that was the boss also being scared; defending by attacking; protecting herself by distancing herself from me?

None of that excuses the behaviour and I don’t know if this is true or not. However it kind of makes sense that trying to manage a strong, opinionated personality out of something that they’re very wedded to would scare you as a manager.

So if I go with this theory of why we are now estranged; of why we are now not talking properly; of why I am no longer in the team because I can’t return to work full-time straight away; of why I feel so unlikely to get my job because I lack the support of my boss and her boss; what am I going to do about it?

Nothing can change what has happened. Nothing can change that I feel she has betrayed me. The only thing I can change is how I act going forward when I return to work.

I’m kind of sad that this job is gone from me now. I didn’t even do anything and I’ve lost it.

Did I resist the new hours? At that time I felt like I was defending myself physically and mentally, so yes, I resisted, although again, not unjustifiably so. There were questions that she couldn’t answer. Some of the reasoning lacked credibility.

Instead of separating, isolating and abandoning me, my boss needed to be on my side but still get what her boss wanted, which was me there five days a week. Ironically, I will be returning to work five days a week, although I won’t be in that job.

Communication. It can make or break any relationship at any time, even when you think you have a good relationship.

And who knows, maybe that’s not it at all. Probably it’s something completely different. I don’t know. The only thing I know is that I can’t change what’s happened or how she is going to be, so I need to just manage my own behaviour and emotions on this.

I have two weeks and I’m back.

Wishing you all the happiness the universe can bring
A person

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