My life during the ‘perfect storm’

I know this is not normal. Logically I know it won’t last. When the fog comes, the only thing you can continue to do is keep walking through it. However, as anyone who has experienced deep sadness or depression will know, sometimes it is difficult to see through that fog and it weighs heavy on every part of you, inside and out.

Here’s a couple of things going on for me right now:

  • I may lose my job. I had to apply for my own job last week
  • I have an injury in my elbows. Do you consciously how much you need your elbows?

These two things have combined into the perfect storm in my life. Both of these things are contributing to my high levels of anxiety, feelings of powerlessness and feeling not enough.

The constant presence of ‘just before pain’ is a heavy weight on everything I do. No matter what I am doing, whatever innocuous activity, I have to think will this flare up my elbows? Before lifting the washing basket. Before moving a stack of plates. Before having sex. Before typing anything.

And so I’m off work. At a time where my job is to be reviewed. At a time where you want to be impressing your local manager, not disappearing for weeks on end while you look fine to everyone.

Just like many chronic pain illnesses my injury is invisible to most people. Which means there is always a seed of doubt in their minds about how sick you really are. This seed of doubt, real or imagined, creates a defensiveness in me (and possibly others) with pain such as this. It’s a feeling of constantly having to prove that you are broken. It’s a judgement that you internalise.

I have always had a lot of sympathy for those with chronic illness and pain. I tended to my ex-wife many times over the years of our marriage and I watched her struggle through her pain on a daily basis. I am the person who says ‘you don’t know until you have watch someone or experience it yourself how pain can interrupt your life .

So just as I’m supposed to be performing at my top level to impress my bosses to keep my job, I’ve gone and left the building. I’m out of action.

And the feeling of being useless, of being not good enough, pervades everything that I do currently. Because not only am I now out of my job for some time, I cannot participate in any other regular life activities that may inflame my injury while I’m waiting for it to recover. Which means my life is reduced to looking out the window, to watching TV, to walking, to cooking, to using voice recognition software when I blog, to ice packs on my elbows daily, and to the constant judgement of everything that I do.

Constant judgement of whether I am a good person or a bad person for not working. Constant judging of whether I am a good girlfriend or not, being completely – almost completely – useless. Constant fear that this situation will not improve and that I will have to be living like this for the next 40 years.

However, you’d be mistaken for thinking that some of those activities that are listed above are almost like I’m on holiday. And there is in fact not much wrong with doing any of those activities if you have a choice of doing others at the same time. But if you want to wash your car, clean your house or go to work and do your job, you actually begin to see that only being able to do these things is not as much fun anymore.

I also know how ungrateful and pathetic I sound.

Of course the situation will hopefully resolve. I have a good doctor who supports me. I have a beautiful woman who supports me. I have a wonderful family that support me.

I’m sure many of you out there have had similar periods in your life. And as most people know, these things are usually temporary. I have to believe that this will end. That I will recover. And that the Universe will provide for me in terms of income and prosperity.

Some days it’s just a lot harder than others to believe that is true.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Why do we keep old watches?

So yesterday I went through my cupboard. I was cleaning up a box of old stuff and I wanted to put it in a new box. It’s a good time to be doing this because my lovely is going to move in with me.

This is both exciting and scary from me at the same time. I didn’t think I’d be doing this so soon, even though it’s been more than a year since living with someone. I thought I’d be single for many years before meeting someone this special again.

However I asked her to move in and she said yes. So I’m trying to make some space in my house for her. I want her to feel comfortable and to have her things around her. I want her to feel that she belongs here.

So in this box that’s just about fallen apart, but I’ve been dragging around for most of my life, is a whole lot of memories, things, stuff. I’ve kept these things for some reason, even though I may not now know what that reason is any more. Some things are obvious like birthday cards from my 30th birthday. I decided I could let them go now since I’m 43.

But other things you keep and it’s less obvious why. Things like watches. Why do we keep old watches? I don’t think I’m the only one that does this. I was even teasing my mother just last week about the same thing, and here I have half a dozen watches in this box, some of which I can’t even wear any more. And yet I put them in the new box. Even my old Swatch watch, which would probably fall apart, and a Felix watch which has actually no band on it anymore!

  
I read some cards from my ex-wife that made me a little sad. It did make me wonder how something so strong could disappear. But these things happen and I don’t regret any of it.

I also don’t regret the new start I have now with a wonderful woman.

One of the other things I found was a bunch of quotes about surrendering and about accepting yourself, accepting being peaceful, and I actually wrote “don’t deny who you were, but embrace who you are now”.

I think this is very relevant. The past cannot be deleted, or changed, or denied. However it does make us what we are today. I am both the same and different to how I was 15 years ago, 10 years ago, five years ago. Even one year ago.

Life is about cycles and about riding the waves that are sometimes rather rough. It’s interesting how waves in one part of your life can be rough but in the other part can be so beautifully smooth and calm. How the Universe is so unpredictable!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

My first voice recognition blog

Okay you go trying out new Dragon voice recognition software in the little weird. I’m going to leave all the mistakes in just this one time so you can see just how strange species to me and how interesting the interpretation is what I’m saying. Even then it mixed species with this is. I’m really going to learn to pronounce my words a lot better!!

there is nothing that seems a logical all sensible about this dictating period period.

Legal take a bid to get used to try to stare at the window and not look at the screen as the words typed on there for me.

My hands are class in my life my hands are not class in my life my hands are in my luck. Fail!

This is not easy to get used to looking at the screen just makes it more confusing but I can do ;-).

Robotically practising no longer robotically practising I have to do keep practising. Her

it is a whole new way of writing I’m not quite sure I like it yet.

Challenging to think and not type. It is challenging to think and not look at screening. It is challenging to think and talk out loud.

You would wonder why considering I talk out loud all the time I’m quite talky. But apparently this new recognition software hasn’t quite got my style yet.

Julian is now because I want to have a long career and I want to have the ability to write outside my job. Writing is very important to me. It is how I process my feelings. It is how I work through my issues. It is how I feel alive often times.

Two have not being able to be writing this last few weeks on my blog has been very difficult. The anxiety I felt about having this physical issue having to have time off work, the fear of not being able to do what I love let alone to what I need to do to provide for myself and my daughter, has been very scary. Right now I’m just using my Apple headphones as I had a spare pair. But think eventually once I get the hang of it want to hop up and walk around and talk.

I can see already it’s getting better. Although I am wondering where to Julian is! And I’m still to work out the editing function because not changing it as I go is a little weird. I’m used to the back ! I’m very lucky that I have been able to access this software and equipment that I can use to work. I know many people would not be as fortunate as me in this situation. I’m lucky that I have some leave up my sleeve and can take time off work without losing any money. This would not be possible for many people and I appreciate the fortune that I have and are grateful for the position I’m in at the moment.

I hope that soon these talking/writing sessions will become a bit more natural. At the moment I feel kind of robotic talking in a very weird way. However, I know that this will help me get back to work love which is riding.

Wishing you all the happiness the universe can bring

a person (that should be writing not writing, apparently I can’t think or talk properly)

Stay tuned…

…I’ll be back. Just dealing with some injury stuff which ironically would be better if I could write to process but the injury prevents me from writing!

I have installed some software that will hopefully help me with voice recognition typing, which will be a new thing for me!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Some thoughts on marriage equality in Australia

Last week I was asked to comment as a lesbian on marriage equality for my local paper. Here are some of the things I thought about before the interview. Some of them made it into the article.

As an Australian citizen, I can’t marry the person of my choice simply because of their gender…  I can go to another country and do it but I can’t do it here– this doesn’t make sense.

Marriage equality is a human right.

It’s not about gay marriage or straight marriage; it’s about marriage equality and love. I don’t ‘gay register’ my car, I just do that as a human being and citizen.

I think we do all Australians a disservice by ­denying a group of people the right to legally recognise and celebrate their union. It doesn’t make us a better country to do that and I don’t see how people could think that it does. Religion should not be involved except as a layer over the top of something like this – an extra something that the church adds, not that a church of any religion decides.

I haven’t heard a good argument against it – the children argument is especially galling. Just because gays and lesbians have children does not mean they don’t experience care from opposite gender parents – often their biological ones. They have a rich family life like any other child so I’m not sure what those people are really on about. Plus what an insult to those mothers and fathers doing it on their own – gay or straight!

I think people who are against marriage equality should use their energy towards something positive, like ending domestic violence, fixing unemployment or improving the environment. Marriage equality does not hurt the community like those things do.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

A Vivid weekend 

We traveled to Sydney, my lovely and I, to get tattoos. However we also chanced upon the Vivid Sydney light festival down near our accommodation at Walshes Bay. It was a total bonus! 

So here is a bit of a photo essay since I can’t type too much!

 One of the exhibits, with the Bridge also lit up behind.

  Early morning view from Pier One.

We visited the Museum of Contemporary Art… Jonathan Jones, Naa (to see or look), 2015

 Rebecca Baumann, Automated colour field, 2011 
   
   Brooke Andrew, Loop. A model of how the world works, 2008
 Sunset through the bar at Pier One.

A lucky shot of a perfectly orange Opera House!   
      

 Some spectacular building projections.

 

 Another installation at Circular Quay.

Just a wonderful weekend with a beautiful woman!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring

A person  

 

Crazy mistakes 

Why the hell not?! 

There is so many things I want to write but I’m injured so I’ll have to wait but in the meantime, love yourself because you are enough!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring 

A person  

Welcome!

I don’t normally post welcomes but today seems like the day! Whether you have just joined me or have been following the ride for a while, I hope you stay, enjoy, and feel free to comment!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring 

A person 

Old poems…

In January I died.

It was too hot

and I pushed her

away when she

came to me.

This winter wasn’t

going to be

cold enough.

6.11.1992

Entwine with me

So that I may breathe you

Touch me

So that I may see you

Love me

So that I may know you

Learn from me

So that I may be your student.

And for however many moments

in time our souls are touching,

Let me see you truly,

for your light is as

beautiful as the most perfect star.

And when the earth turns and I can

no longer see you

and the time for us has passed,

know that the moment our

souls entwined is marked in history

And the beauty of that meeting

can never be undone.

23.12.1998

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person