It’s not a roller coaster of love…and that’s a good thing

It’s wonderful to be with someone who understands that you need to write.

Who understands that there is a process to working things out.

Who gives you time to work those things out.

Who likes and expects that you will have a dark side.

Who quietly sits beside you and teaches you how not to be defensive when challenged.

I feel very lucky to be with someone who teaches me so much just by continuing her own journey.

I want so much to be the best person I can be for her, but I’m not perfect. I get angry at people, and situations.

We’ve made four months of love to date.

She makes me reconsider all the things I thought I’d decided on about relationships.

One of my challenges is my need for maintaining my independence (only newly returned) while also wanting to be with, well frankly, her. I want to be with her all the time. I never want to leave our ‘bubble’, and it’s always hard on that day when the ‘long week’ starts.

So one of the things she bought to me was a concept of differentiation and interdependence.

The idea that you can have both individuality and emotional connection (which seems simple enough, but actually tricky to achieve as humans).

Desire involves wanting your partner — not just wanting sex — and we often don’t want to want our partner because it makes us vulnerable. Dr David Schnarch

Being vulnerable is very challenging for a lot of people, myself included.

Being with someone and also maintaining your own ‘self’ is also very challenging – there is either collapse into the relationship or a struggle to keep the independence or individuality. In my previous long term relationship, I feel like I became suffocated by the role I put upon myself and the only way free was to end the relationship. In Schnarch’s world, I think we were emotionally fused – too dependent on each other so that there was little individuality left. And I don’t mean that we didn’t have our own interests, but more that we were so much together that there was, for me, a struggle to be myself any more. In losing the connection to myself, the connection to my wife was also lost.

The challenge was then unmasking that reality and moving forward. It has been a journey of discovery ever since then and I have learned a lot of lessons. Some painful, all magical.

I want to keep learning and growing and thinking about how to do relationships in a new way, so that I don’t push someone away, or collapse into them or a role that I feel I have to fight my way out of again.

I don’t think I’ve ever started a relationship with someone that is actively on their own self-discovery journey. However, my lovely woman is on such a path. It excites me to be with her as she discovers aspects of herself, and in doing so, teaches me about myself.

When I look at previous relationships since beginning to be with other people, I notice the drama. In some there was a lot of drama, others not as much.

Maybe it’s just because everything else in my life is up in the air and potentially drama filled, but my current relationship is not dramatic for me (I specifically say that, because I can’t say if there is in fact drama for her). There are not dramatic moments in it where I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster.

I don’t mean that in a bad way. I mean it in a way that if things are happening, then it seems that we both stop and consider. That we wait for the other person to work it out. That we don’t judge each other for mistakes, or faults or fears.

Sometimes you need drama to progress in your life. Action moves the story along. However, this quiet way that she brings inspires me to keep the walls lowered and the drama minimal. There has been no tantrums from me about her.

This is her way. Her quiet, thoughtful, kind way.

I want more of her every day.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person


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