So I’m in love with a woman.
She is quite amazing.
It’s quite beautiful for me to watch her come alive because she has only recently, after most of her life, come to the dyke side.
It’s such a privilege to watch someone coming into themselves when they’ve been hidden away for so long.
It’s very much a privilege to be able to provide a safe space for her to do that.
I don’t work for everyone. I’m a strong, dominant personality. My natural state is to want to protect and save. I can be overpowering. Part of the issue with my previous long term relationship is that we were both alphas, and while we got along most of the time, we also were very stubborn and determined when we wanted our own way.
Part of my journey from now is about letting that person just be their authentic self and being authentic myself. Walking the fine line between what I need to get past and what I need to bring up, and allowing them to do the same without getting defensive.
Part of it is that it’s not up to me to save people, and that I can help and support them without bossing, nagging or just stepping in and doing it.
And it’s about respecting my own boundaries and needs. The elephant journal reran an article on strong, independent woman syndrome and it certainly resonated with me. Not wanting to be needy. Not wanting to be seen as weak and then, bottling everything in and having it all come out and collapse me. This could have been written by me!
“Letting someone in means abandoning the walls you’ve spent a lifetime building.” Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy
With my lovely woman, I am challenged to be open, vulnerable and to need and want her. I am challenged to allow myself to be taken care of. The contrasting action is to allow her to make her own decisions, to navigate her way through her challenges without telling her what to do.
I am challenged by the conflicting emotions of wanting to be with her so badly, and also needing my own space. And wanting some space but needing her.
While I was away in New York I missed her, and then I was conflicted about missing her. Did that mean I was weak? I’m pretty sure I wrote about it but it’s an ongoing journey, so I’ll probably write more!
Meanwhile, she continues to amaze me with her generosity, her softness, her inner strength. Her wisdom, her humanness. And her natural, earthy presence is incredibly sexy.
She teaches me all the time about how I want to be in a relationship. Not in an overt way, but in her own quiet way.
She quietly challenges the things that I do and say as I blunder along.
She makes me think about how I am and the reasoning behind my decisions. She changes my mind without argument.
She makes me want to be a better person.
She knows I’m not perfect. I’ve confessed all my sins to her and she remains unphased. She knows I’m dark. She has seen my agitation, sadness, frustration.
I can’t believe she chooses to be with me – sometimes it seems so good as to be completely unreal.
I love the space we create together. It’s like a bubble of heaven – I never want it to end!
I don’t know what will happen in the future – life is complicated and humans are fallible – but I can’t see any reason why we won’t go on for some time.
I never expected it to happen this way. I never expected to meet someone so soon after my marriage ended. I don’t think it was too soon to meet someone, but I just expected to be single for years before a relationship like this one came along.
However, it seems the Universe doesn’t want me to be alone with all the other things going on, and for that I am very grateful!
Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring