And I don’t mean dyke Daddy issues. I will strap on my cock and fuck you hard but I am definitely nobody’s Daddy!
No, I’m talking my actual Dad.
He is hard man.
Bought up in the country by a strong mother, with a distant, often absent father, and five brothers, he started smoking when he was about ten.
All his life he wanted to be a cop and he was one for 27 years, but not before he was in retail and he has quite a creative streak in him expressed in interior furnishings and fittings.
He’s an Aquarius with Pisces in either rising or moon, I can’t remember. I’m a Scorpio with Aries rising. We’ve had some fights, I can tell you!
His love is so strong for us, my brother and I, that it seems to tear him apart. He wants to still be in control of our lives, despite us now being in our early forties. He doesn’t understand we don’t need him to fix us anymore.
We are very different, and yet very similar. His influence on my early life cannot be understated in terms of my values about work, money, loyalty.
Unfortunately some of those decisions and rules are limiting for me in my world in 2015.
I don’t want to be so strict like he was when I was a child. My brother and I make jokes about it over family dinners but the fact is, he now does it to our kids and I’m not so comfortable with that.
He believes in manners and kids speaking when they’re spoken to, and his patience for noisy child’s play is quite limited.
But he will also sit with them and help with their homework, or let them follow him around (as I did), in the garden or the shed asking ‘what are you doing Pop?’
I think he is a man that struggles with his emotions because how he was raised was to have none, as that generation of men were. And there was probably little room to express much, as he had three brothers above and two below. There was no time for weakness, despite his early health problems and time in hospital as a young boy.
He was a smart arse kid and is quite happy to tell those stories but would not tolerate such behaviour from his own children or grandchildren.
My brother and I are proud of him, his life achievements and the way he is but we do wish he would let go of needing to tell us what to do, how to be. We love him so much, we just want him to love us back without judgement.
Now he is older and has health problems that have been confronting for him and us all as a family. Confronting for him because he has never really been unhealthy as an adult. He has always been able to push through pain or tiredness and now he cannot, or has been instructed by doctors to not push through anything.
I imagine he feels extremely frustrated by the limitations his aging body puts on his ideals of what a man and husband and father should be. I imagine he fears his frailty, his physical weakness, his loss of ability.
It’s confronting for us because we watch him struggle with this and feel the effects, because as he struggles with his loss of the physical capabilities, he gets harder and more controlling in other areas. We see that he is in fact just a man, not the superman that children see their parents as. He is merely human, in a human body, struggling with his humanity.
If I could say anything to him, I would say this:
Let go and just be yourself. We love you, we accept you.
We don’t need you to fix anything. We still value your advice and help but we need you to reserve it and let us come to you.
Stop trying so hard to make it all perfect. Life is not perfect. Your wife is not perfect. Your children and grandchildren are not perfect.
You are not perfect (and there is no need to defend this position).
But we love you despite this imperfection, and we know you love us.
Let go of the need to be right, let go of the fight to make everything ‘as it should be’.
Everything is as it should be.
Don’t stop fighting to be with us here. We can’t tell how big the hole in our lives will be if you leave us.
Yes, we too don’t want you to go. But as you are now confronted by your mortality, so are we.
And for whatever time is left, and I’d say there are plenty of years left if you can swing it right, we want to watch you enjoy your life. Not fight, not judge, not struggle with your rules.
You are not wrong, but in your insistence on being right, you lose those moments with us. We want them all. We are greedy.
So please Daddy, stay. Love us and be loved by us. Relax and let go of the rules. You can’t take them with you, and I don’t want to remember that at the end, you were so hard and judgemental that I couldn’t be happy when I was with you. I know you don’t want that either.
Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring,