Sometimes I just crack the shits about life…

Swearword warning
Sometimes things all get a bit too much.
Sometimes you just wonder why the fuck you are even trying to do anything.
Currently at my work, like many other public service departments in Australia right now, there are reviews and restructures and ‘efficiency’ measures.
I could argue either way with these things. Sure, sometimes things need to get looked at and shaken up. They need some fresh air and light on them to make sure they are still doing the best they can in the new climate of technology, environment and policy.
But when is enough change enough?
When you go through a restructure one year, then the next year there are more shifts. Then on top of that there are organisational reviews that affect some people and not others (but ultimately everyone, since there will be changing processes and people).
In this climate you are expected to contribute positively and keep going on doing your job.
So you do that as best you can, bearing in mind that you are human and things happen outside of work that affect your ability to do that.
Things like the death of relatives or pets or moving house or changing relationships or sick children.
Life moves on and is changing all the time.
I swear I try to go with the flow.
I try not to resist the change.
I try to be positive.
But at what point do you stop sucking up the constant grinding of life?
At what point do you say ‘Fuck all this bullshit!’
At what point do you say ‘This is not necessary – we should be helping each other, not fucking each other over.’
And it might happen for you in any part of your life.
For me right now, the battlefronts are work and exes and housing…where am I at with all of those?
And the fact is, I don’t know. I don’t fucking know if I’ll have any sort of job by the end of the year. I don’t know where I’ll be living in a few months. I don’t know what the fuck is happening with my ex and our settlement because the commitments get made about finalising stuff and then don’t get kept.
Meanwhile, I’m sick as a fucking dog. I feel terrible with this lurgy, sinus infection, whatever it is and after a long week of battling it I’m so TIRED.
I’m so tired of trying to fight through the sick to do the right thing for work, when all I get in return is being blindsided by people I thought I could trust. And no, I don’t have anything to hide, but if you want to check up on my, do it to my face, not behind my back.
I’m tired of not having a place I can call my own.
I’m tired of looking over my shoulder every minute worrying about what my ex might think of this or that, because god forbid I upset her and she get the shits about something.
And I know, I have very many good things in my life. I’m very grateful for them all.
Yes I’m grateful I have a job where I can get sick leave, even though I feel like in the current climate it will go against me to take it.
I’m grateful for a house that I enjoy living in and that I can afford, even though it isn’t permanently mine.
I’m grateful for my new girlfriend, who is amazing and supportive despite her own life issues.
I try not to whine and I try to be positive but I’m tired of all of that.
I have no energy to be happy right now.
Maybe tomorrow.
Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Rebel heart

Madonna’s latest album is awesome. It references her previous work, goes into beautiful spaces with ‘Inside out’ and ‘Messiah’ and of course, the ballsy fuck you that we’ve come to expect with ‘Unapologetic bitch’ and ‘Bitch I’m Madonna’. 

Completely recommend!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring 

A person

Is adulthood over yet?

Being a grown up sucks sometimes…

On my house hunt I found a very nice house. As part of my due diligence, I got a building and pest inspection.

Unfortunately, there were a few things that I wasn’t happy with that came up on those reports.

So, what to do next? I’ve never had a building report that I’ve been worried about before. True, this is an older house and I’ve not made many offers on them before but these issues were going to cost some dollars to fix. At minimum $5000, at maximum….who knows? And that was on top of the issues that I was already prepared to work with.

I had a tough choice to make. Did I take that $900 that I’d already spent getting the reports and work with what might be? Did I take the risk myself on a substantial investment?

I agonised over it for a bit. I got some second opinions. I searched my gut.

Although I liked the house very much, I didn’t ‘have to have it at all costs’. And I’ve experienced that feeling, so I know what it feels like.

This house was lovely, but it wasn’t ticking every single one of my boxes. That’s to be expected and some compromises have to be made. I had one of the outside requirements but not the other. I had a single bathroom but there was a second toilet. I had plenty of rooms to play with but there was still a little to do in arranging the furniture.

In the end the question mark with the dollar sign against it could not be settled. I just can’t take chances with damp and termites in an investment worth hundreds of thousands. Especially when I can’t afford to fix those things straight away.

So I withdrew from buying the house. First time in my life I’ve done that.

I was expecting pressure from the real estate agent but he was very good.

I slept very well. Probably because I’m on cold and flu drugs for my lurgy at the moment, but maybe, just maybe it’s also because that gut feeling is now settled.

The simple fact is that I really like where I am and so does my daughter.

But it’s a rental. And it’s not perfect either, but there are less things to worry about (that I can see, having lived here for nearly five months). So if the worst thing is that we stay here for another six month lease then I guess that won’t be too terrible! At best, wouldn’t it be great if the owner was willing to accept an offer and we don’t have to move again?!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

It’s not so much about running…

“Running away means valuing yourself enough to believe that you deserve better. It means realizing that you are unhappy and allowing yourself to seek out something that might make you happier, leaving everything else in the dust. It means turning off all the voices inside you that tell you, Just wait it out. It might get better. Don’t wreck everything now.”

An Oral History Of Running Away via femsplain on Tumblr

I popped this quote into my blog when I saw it because I found it so true.

We hear a lot about how people are throwing things like relationships away too soon these days.

But there is also the point at which you try and deny and keep trying but it’s still the same as it was a year, five years, eight years previous.

I read a quote once which essentially said it’s not so much about running away from a situation, but more about a strategic withdrawal.

Sometimes you have to make tough choices to be happy. Sometimes it means that you will hurt others.

Some say it’s selfish to attempt to be the person that you want to be. To be happy. To be able to chase your dreams.

Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. I just know that it was the right choice for me and now I’m moving forward, growing and learning more than I thought possible.

I don’t say don’t try to improve whatever situation you are in (except abusive ones of course). I don’t say to just give up at the first hurdle you face in your relationship. Talk, work through, get counselling, develop yourself to be better. Then make choices about what to do.

Value yourself enough to believe you deserve to be happy.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

It’s been one year…

Life does not look back

Today is the one year anniversary of the end of my 15 year marriage.

It has been a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows.

I’ve never once regretted the decision and I’m very happy where I am right now:

  • I’ve spent a lot more quality time with my daughter.
  • I met some wonderful, amazing and supportive new friends.
  • I got to create my own space again after 15 years.
  • I went on a dream trip where I met friends in person that I’d met online.
  • I had an online, long distance relationship.
  • I got to make choices about how and when I spent money without needing to consider someone else.
  • I spent a lot of time with my brother and his kids, which was wonderful.
  • I met someone lovely.
  • I started to be me again.
  • I got lighter, once I got through the intense sadness and guilt of the break up.

Now it’s about moving into the next phase of my life. It’s about consolidating what I’ve learned and moving on with that journey.

It’s about not making the same mistakes again. About living real and raw and allowing myself to be vulnerable. About being a better me, whatever that means, and whoever that is.

It’s not that my life was terrible before. I just wanted it to be better. I wanted to be happy. It’s not that anyone did anything wrong. It’s just that I knew that the way things were was not going to make me a better person.

So I left and hopefully, eventually, we will both be better, happier people. I know that I am and will continue to work towards being the best person I can be – as an individual, a parent and a partner.

One year is a long time but at the same time, not so long. Nerves are still raw and things still hurt.

But life is good, it is good and I feel blessed with all that is here and all the lessons that I have been taught in the last year.

2015 is already a big year and it’s only a quarter of the way through. Massive things are happening at my work and now I’m about to buy a house of my own again (fingers crossed it all goes to plan). I may have surgery before the year is out.

Again, the start of the year and the end will look radically different for me, just like 2014.

But although I feel some anxiety, I am not afraid. I feel strong, and supported and loved. I feel clear in the decision that I made one year ago.

So dear reader, was there anything that you did a year ago that has radically affected your life?

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring,
A person

I got a house!

And so it begins…the next phase of house buying. I successfully negotiated a price and now it’s into the stressful time of getting building, pest and bank approvals for the house of my choice.

For those of you playing along in numerology, it’s number 36. For the record, I’ve not had an even numbered house since I left my parent’s house. Weird, but true!

The fun part of this process is arranging furniture in your mind, thinking of what things you might do or not do to make the space yours.

One of the things in the mix is my daughter, who is nearly nine. She told me straight away she didn’t like the house and that it ‘didn’t feel comfortable’ for her.

What to do?

Obviously I really like the place and think it will be a nice family home for the both of us (and some cats!). Clearly it is important that my daughter loves it just as much as me.

So I asked her what we could do to make it more comfortable for her. Choosing a bedroom is a big one and in this house, there are three very nice rooms to choose from. I knew I’d be happy with two of them (the third one is a little small for my queen bed), so I let her choose from all three.

It made her no end of happy to be able to choose the ‘master’ bedroom, which in this case is a lovely front room of the house. None of them have wardrobes yet so it really didn’t matter to me. I quite like the other room as it has a built in book shelf – something novel for me. The size of the room doesn’t worry me as I think I’ll fit everything I need in there.

So kid is now happy and has a lovely space to make her feel good about moving.

And I have the fun of arranging furniture and the not so fun bit of getting the loan, the due diligence and the moving sorted!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring,
A person

Hunting houses

House hunting. I’d forgotten how hellishly disappointing it is!

But it’s also fun and enlightening as well.

What sort of space appeals? What house calls or says no?

I’ve so far looked at five houses, with number six today.

This is what I’m looking for….

the house

I actually just wish I could buy the house I’m in right now. It’s exactly what I want.

What’s stopping me, you ask? Well possibly nothing, but it is a rental, and the owner may not want to sell. I may not be able to get the loan to buy it in this particular town – I need a 20 percent deposit according to my bank.

Wouldn’t it be great to just buy the house you currently enjoy living in and avoid a whole bunch of stress and bother (not to mention moving costs!)?

However, there are benefits to moving again as well. New spaces always bring new perspectives.

One of the houses, while not perfect, does feel very nice. It has a lot of rooms to use and it seems quite light and airy, which is what I need to live in a space.

Today’s house may also add to the list of rejects or potentials.

The key thing is to not have expectations. This is quite challenging, as there is a lot of emotional investment in searching for, and purchasing a home to live in.

Although I do like this other house, I need to consider this newest one that I haven’t even seen yet. Will I like it? What if it’s the one? How does that make me feel about the other one, especially since the other one is a charming character house and this one is a modern duplex?

Part of the thought process is about how long I’m intending to spend at this place. This could be influenced by a number of issues including the cost of living there; wanting to live with someone and where that might be; can I rent it out later and have it as an investment; do I consider it a short term (three years) or long term (foreseeable future) investment?

Ultimately it all comes down, in the end, to a feeling about a place. It either is or isn’t, the one.

Regardless, I’ll see the one I like again and will keep investigating my options to go to the landlord with an offer for my current accommodation. After all, if you don’t ask, it will always be no, right?!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Coming out to parents – LGBTI

Once upon a time I was a young and confused teenager.

I was afraid of being a lesbian – hated the word for many years actually – and afraid of rejection by my family.

When I did get outed – sprung in a passionate embrace with my first girlfriend at 20 by my mother – it was a very difficult time.

I was angry and hurt and so was she.

My Dad was the calm one. I’m sure he wasn’t thrilled about it but he could see, from his life and work experience that being a lady lover was probably not the worst thing I could be.

My mother took some time to come around.

However, it took me years to see that her reaction to my LGBTI status was more about the other things happening in her life than me being gay.

So many women of her generation get to the adulthood of their children without really knowing anything about who they are and what they want. What are they capable of?

The world equates personhood with work, achievement with money and prestige with status. But many women of my mother’s generation married young, and worked in the home raising children and supporting their husbands.

And at the age I am now – early 40s – ended up with adult children leading their own lives and leaving them behind.

It’s no wonder she broke down after the myriad of issues hit her from all directions – aging and dying parents; a strained marriage; a vague feeling of discontent; and then a lesbian daughter! And she’d probably never even consciously met a lesbian before!

It took my own personal development in my late 20s to really understand that my mother could not have done much more than what she did at the time of my ‘outing’. It was a shock, on top of many other stresses, and it was all too much.

Does that excuse all her bad behaviour? No, it doesn’t. But I was able to forgive her those things she said and did when I had compassion for her situation.

I stood strong and never wavered while she fell apart, but inside it broke me to be so rejected by my mother.

No human can stand this ultimate rejection.

However, I worked through those issues, that pain and eventually, my mother’s situation. I’m glad to say we have a very close and loving relationship now. It took some time, it’s true. Years even, for full acceptance from her.

In the present day, for today’s teenagers, it is highly unlikely that parents of lesbian, gay or bisexual children have not been exposed to the LGBTI community in some way. It may not always be the way the community wants to be recognised – for example, pride marches tend to be represented in mainstream media as tits and arse fests – but it is something.

As the child lesbian now grown up with my own daughter, I cannot imagine rejecting her simply because she has a sexual preference that might be different to mine. It’s highly likely she will be heterosexual. (I’m sorry Queer Nation, I’ve probably failed to raise a gay, as per our secret, world domination agenda requires…)

I would hope that my straight friends, whom I’ve known for many years, would also not be disturbed by their children’s homosexuality, should that eventuate. I would hope that many years exposed to me and my gay and lesbian peers has shown them there is nothing to be feared or ashamed of.

I know there are many, many parents in the world who are still more afraid of what other people will think of them having an LGBTI child, than losing their children.

This is such a travesty. Such an affront to the vocation of parenting that it chills me.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child. However, we come together in this lifetime to learn from each other and I know that my daughter tests me regularly – but my love for her never, ever wavers.

If you are a parent of a LGBTI child, do not be afraid. Do not be ashamed.

Your child is strong and beautiful. Your child needs to be stronger than other children to get through this confusing time. Your child needs to be more confident than other kids; tougher skinned.

And your child, your strong and beautiful child, needs your help to do that. Not just your help, but your love and unconditional support. No, I’m not saying do anything different. That’s the point. They are the same as they have always been. It’s not them that has changed, but the knowledge that you have about them.

There is often a joke that goes around that is something like:

Hey Mum and Dad, guess what?
I’m a *insert horrible thing like drug addict, axe murderer or pregnancy here*
Parents react badly.
Just kidding! I’m only gay!
Parents are relieved.

Because really, do you think that your kid being LGBTI is worse than being a drug addict or a murderer? Like, seriously?

As the LGBTI child, you must know that you are going to be OK. It will all be OK.

I can’t say if you will or will not lose your parents in this process BUT…you will need to give them time to adjust. People have kids and with them come expectations. It’s hard not to! So give them a chance, especially if they are some sort of religious type, to adjust to this information. It’s not entirely their fault that the religion has filled their heads with stupid shit about LGBTI people.

However, don’t accept anything less than respect. Violence of any kind is not acceptable. Bullying is not acceptable. Keep safe. There will be hurtful words as things get processed. You might say some too.

Remember that everyone is doing their best, even if their best is shitty, and it might take some time to move forward.

There are many worthy organisations that will help and support both parties through this time. I can only state that getting appropriate help will eventually pay off. And if you feel suicidal, please get assistance urgently. Your life is so full of wonderful potential, and you will get through this time, with or without your family. I won’t say it will be easy, but it will be worth it.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring,
A person

To buy or not to buy a house…that is the question

One of my tasks now that I’m back from overseas is to decide whether I am buying a house or sitting in my very nice rental for another six months.

In the next few days I’m looking at quite a number of houses that I think are in my price range. It’s a bit tricky because I don’t have a big deposit, so I have to manage what I might like versus what I can afford.

If I can’t find a place that I really feel great about, then I’ll let it go for now and plan something else to do with my finances. Not that there are that many of them, but enough to try to do something with.

I’ve been rather uncontrolled with my spending in the last year. It’s been an exercise in letting go and trying to come back to a middle point where I’m neither too anxious about money, nor too cavalier with it.

The journey has not been without some angst. A couple of months ago I wrote about how I was feeling out of control, triggered by my ex buying her house.

It also took a bit of avoidance before I fully committed to my New York adventure.

However, I’ve now had that important but expensive journey and am ready to move forward to a more sensible money management strategy.

I do have a few extra bills – child support for one; also the electricity and gas bills out here in NSW country are not the cheapest either! So my savings are limited but I’m naturally more inclined to save for a purpose, so I need a goal.

So back to the house buying…There are a number of places to look at but the price range is relatively low, so it’s going to be tricky to find something that fits all my requirements. I need, not a big house, but one that is or appears to be, spacious. So the layout is important.

I need the house to be bright and sun filled, preferably north facing. This is tricky in the town I’m looking, as the houses are older and likely to be wrongly oriented or have small windows.

I’d love a long view, but this is unlikely in most of the places I can afford. Not impossible though!

A nice garden or space to make one is essential – if I can’t have a long view, I will need to create or enjoy a space that is relaxing outdoors. I spend a lot of time – alone and together – outside drinking cups of tea, entertaining or simply sitting and thinking. Sometimes writing.

It’s tricky to say if I’d like a character home or one that is modern and new. I like both.

I do need somewhere big enough to fit my furniture…one of the houses I’m looking at I’m afraid won’t fit my bed and two bedside tables…It looks lovely though!

Anyway, I’m going forward with the search with no expectations. I will, or will not find a house that I wish to buy. If I do, then I’ll go to the bank and see what I can offer. If I can purchase the house, great. If I can’t, then I decide what to save for and move on from there.

If I don’t find a house in this time frame, then I’ll resign my lease and decide what to save for.

No doubt I’ll be writing about the results here!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring,
A person