Being mutually reliant.
It’s a tricky dance between dependence, independence and interdependence.
How does one navigate letting someone in enough that they might need them, while still being independent?
How do you allow your walls to come down so that you can let that person in?
Being independent is awesome, but it can be lonely.
At the same time, I don’t want to be dependent on someone.
The conflict is when I’m independent but feel like I need someone.
I think I need to let go of being strong all the time and I’ve been working on that. But when I’m challenged it’s still hard. Still hard to let go of the feeling that I should be strong enough not to need someone. To miss them. If you miss someone you need them, right?
And doesn’t that make you weak? Doesn’t it mean they can hurt you?
As a manager, sometimes being so independent is a flaw because I feel like I should be able to do everything. Delegation is challenging because it means I can’t do it all.
In relationships, there is a fear attached to need.
If I rely on someone, if somehow I love them and then need them for whatever reason (support, comfort, sex, challenging conversations etc), then they have the power to withdraw that.
Then it’s bargaining. Then it’s resentment and anger – at them and at myself.
I don’t want anyone to have that power over me but at the same time I know I must allow myself to trust.
Trust they will not abuse the power. Trust they will nurture me. Trust they will allow me the space to be both strong and vulnerable – as opposed to hard and weak.
Trust that they will allow me to grow into a whole person, with all the edges exposed, not just the strong ones.
Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring,