So now I’ve got the horny sex beast out of the way, time to do a proper (and far more dull!) post.
I’ve been working slowly through Iyanla Vanzant’s book about forgiveness.
I haven’t done any of the exercises for a few weeks and yesterday I did two.
One was on your relationship with money. It’s a complicated relationship for a lot of people.
For me, my teaching was that money was only achieved after hard work.
Only then could you spend it. And then you could only spend it on things that were sensible. Vital. Needed. Sometimes wanted, as long as you’d saved up.
People with lots of money who threw it around were crass. We didn’t want to be like them. We didn’t want to not appreciate the money we had. That we earned. That we held tightly onto.
But you could have money if you deserved it. If you’d worked for it, it was OK to spend. Spend on things that lasted. Or things for the family.
So my internalised feelings about money ended up being that I need to work hard for it but not have too much, and not spend it too unwisely because that would be embarrassing.
Which is a little limiting, according to Iyanla. And according to me too.
I’ve been very fortunate in my life that I’ve had everything I’ve needed.
And most of the time I’ve had a lot of what I wanted too.
But I’m not wealthy. I’m prosperous. I have all that I need. I have a good job that pays me well. I have enough to spare for a few things.
But I still dream of winning the lotto (tell me you haven’t!).
I still dream of being a person who can work if they choose to, not if they have to. Of being able to retire while I’m young enough to enjoy it. Of travelling where I want, when I want. Of living in the house I want.
To a degree, all those things are happening now. I’m travelling (but spending money I should* be saving). I’m living in a lovely house (but renting). I could choose to work less if I wanted to do less and have less. Live with less.
However, that seems to me to be a lot about ‘lack’ and not a lot about abundance. So how can I resolve this clash of beliefs? How can I resolve the ‘you must earn money to deserve it with the spending money like it’s going out of style is embarrassing because you don’t deserve it?’
I feel a bit of shame and guilt when I spend money on myself. Or I spend money that somehow is deemed ‘frivolous’. I see the homeless every day and I think, I could be helping them. Or I could be using that money to buy a house for myself and my daughter.
But instead I’m buying things and lunch and hot chocolate. Dinner and holidays. Bills.
It scares me to be almost out of control with it, when I was so tightly wound up about it previously.
The middle ground. I need to find the middle ground.
I’m working on moving on from needing to hold so tightly to money. Like relationships and love, the harder and tighter you hold onto it, the less of it there is to hold on to.
It’s been a long time embedding these thoughts in my mind. I think it will take practice to get it right, but I will practice. And I will get it right.
I can have money, and spend money on myself because I deserve it. I can be sensible and frivolous at the same time.
Hopefully you feel the same.
Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring,
*Who says I’m wrong to spend it? Who says the only place for that money is a house? Well, the little voice inside. But I’m telling her it’s OK to spend a bit of it on something that I’ll remember for the rest of my life. Something that will change my perspective. Something that will grow me faster than all the books in a year.