I’ve been feeling a bit disengaged at work.
It’s not that I don’t like what I do. Because I really do like communications and marketing.
But somehow my purpose for working has become a bit lost. I’m feeling like ‘what is the point?’
What I do isn’t really all that important in the scheme of things. Yes, it needs to get done for sure. But I’m not a nurse. I’m not a cop. I’m not a doctor like some of my friends or a teacher or anything that seems to actually make a difference to people.
Really make a difference in that immediate sort of way.
Of course this is not entirely true for what I do. If I didn’t work there would be a bunch of specific stakeholders who would be affected by lack of communication and it would make their jobs a lot harder. So I do make a difference.
But it seems a bit lackluster compared to a nurse or a cop.
This disenchantment comes after my anxiety attacks and alongside some sleepless nights.
So what is going on?
This year has been pretty awesome so far. I’m going to New York and Bangkok. I’m having lots of fun and meeting new people, while still hanging with my old friends and family. My Dad is cancer free. My kid is healthy. I’m having a lovely time.
The thing is though, when you have a couple of big, emotionally draining years like I did in 2013/14, you get tired. You get tired of showing up. You get tired of keeping on moving. However, you do, and then things change for the better and look up. The happy comes back. The energy and the fun.
But that tiredness isn’t necessarily gone.
I’ve said since my split last April that I needed a break, a pallet cleanser, a chance to freshen up my brain.
This is my trip’s purpose and it’s going to be awesome but it has been a long time coming. I think probably just a little too long. Even my boss said, ‘you just need a break’.
So I’ve got to keep moving forward everywhere else while edging closer to my break. My two weeks of immersion in the new and then a couple of weeks chilling out by myself and with my daughter.
Now don’t think for a minute that I don’t know how self indulgent this might sound. Poor person, needing a break from her great life! I know I have a great life and I’m very grateful for it! But that also doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve to have a recharge after such a big life change.
So I’m going to hopefully sleep a bit more, get shit organised for my trip, and count down the days until I go.
And when I come back to work, I’m committing to coming back recharged and recommitted to helping the people who rely on me to do what I do. Even if I’m not saving lives, I’m saving minutes for lives to use in another way. That has to be good, right?
Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring,