Here we go! Counting down…

It’s February 27 and I’m now 14 or 15 sleeps (please don’t make me count!) out from my next overseas trip.

Everything is pretty much ready. I’ve even done a trial pack of my bag. Don’t worry, I’ve packed some undies! And a book. And a whole bunch of cords to recharge my phone. And a portable power source to recharge my phone on the go.

My intention is to record this holiday a little differently to those in the past. I’m going to record it electronically, via my phone and the wifi I find around my accommodation (and where ever else I manage to find it). So hopefully during the day, but most likely in the evenings, I will blog and post pictures on here of what I’ve been up to.

Yes, I will take a little journal to write in (one I bought in New Zealand actually) but I’m not taking the bulky camera, the gadgets or even check in luggage.

I was inspired to travel light by Liz Gilbert, author and traveler, who said travel with take on luggage only. It’s actually kind of freeing in the challenge of it – deciding what to take and what to leave. Deciding what I can let go of at various points of the trip.

I’m only going for 15 days so surely it won’t be that hard, will it?

I’m going to three different temperature zones – winter (or so it will still feel like!), spring and humid summer (although that will actually be autumn).

So one of the challenges is to pack for warmth but also to be able to discard it on the way to Bangkok, where it will be very hot. Although my wonderful friend Tai, who I am visiting Bangkok to meet, has reminded me that I’ll need pants to wear in the temples. Good point! May have to put in an extra pair of something light. Goodness knows I don’t want to be sweating in jeans in 34 degrees and 100% humidity!

For the record, only going to be taking the shoes that I’m wearing. I’ll be staying in an apartment in New York, self contained hotels in Dallas and Bangkok. Maybe I’ll pick up something if I need to. But I don’t want to. It’s more about the experience than the things.

Happy travels,
Tanya

The thing about money

So now I’ve got the horny sex beast out of the way, time to do a proper (and far more dull!) post.

I’ve been working slowly through Iyanla Vanzant’s book about forgiveness.

I haven’t done any of the exercises for a few weeks and yesterday I did two.

One was on your relationship with money. It’s a complicated relationship for a lot of people.

For me, my teaching was that money was only achieved after hard work.

Only then could you spend it. And then you could only spend it on things that were sensible. Vital. Needed. Sometimes wanted, as long as you’d saved up.

People with lots of money who threw it around were crass. We didn’t want to be like them. We didn’t want to not appreciate the money we had. That we earned. That we held tightly onto.

But you could have money if you deserved it. If you’d worked for it, it was OK to spend. Spend on things that lasted. Or things for the family.

So my internalised feelings about money ended up being that I need to work hard for it but not have too much, and not spend it too unwisely because that would be embarrassing.

Which is a little limiting, according to Iyanla. And according to me too.

I’ve been very fortunate in my life that I’ve had everything I’ve needed.

And most of the time I’ve had a lot of what I wanted too.

But I’m not wealthy. I’m prosperous. I have all that I need. I have a good job that pays me well. I have enough to spare for a few things.

But I still dream of winning the lotto (tell me you haven’t!).

I still dream of being a person who can work if they choose to, not if they have to. Of being able to retire while I’m young enough to enjoy it. Of travelling where I want, when I want. Of living in the house I want.

To a degree, all those things are happening now. I’m travelling (but spending money I should* be saving). I’m living in a lovely house (but renting). I could choose to work less if I wanted to do less and have less. Live with less.

However, that seems to me to be a lot about ‘lack’ and not a lot about abundance. So how can I resolve this clash of beliefs? How can I resolve the ‘you must earn money to deserve it with the spending money like it’s going out of style is embarrassing because you don’t deserve it?’

I feel a bit of shame and guilt when I spend money on myself. Or I spend money that somehow is deemed ‘frivolous’. I see the homeless every day and I think, I could be helping them. Or I could be using that money to buy a house for myself and my daughter.

But instead I’m buying things and lunch and hot chocolate. Dinner and holidays. Bills.

It scares me to be almost out of control with it, when I was so tightly wound up about it previously.

The middle ground. I need to find the middle ground.

I’m working on moving on from needing to hold so tightly to money. Like relationships and love, the harder and tighter you hold onto it, the less of it there is to hold on to.

It’s been a long time embedding these thoughts in my mind. I think it will take practice to get it right, but I will practice. And I will get it right.

I can have money, and spend money on myself because I deserve it. I can be sensible and frivolous at the same time.

Hopefully you feel the same.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring,
A person

*Who says I’m wrong to spend it? Who says the only place for that money is a house? Well, the little voice inside. But I’m telling her it’s OK to spend a bit of it on something that I’ll remember for the rest of my life. Something that will change my perspective. Something that will grow me faster than all the books in a year.

Strong language and sexual themes (NSFW)

So if I’m thinking sexy, I’m probably thinking of fucking you hard with my cock.

And having you suck it off afterwards before I fuck you again…

I like the way you comply, the way you take my hands on you, how you like the way I squeeze you hard on your butt and thighs and sides.

How you moan when I push myself into you. How you whimper when I don’t move inside of you, teasing you with my stillness.

I want to fuck you. You want me to fuck you. It’s a match made in heaven. A sexy heaven with pink strap on cocks and silk scarves and no Mr Grey.

Because I will tie you up and I will do what I want to your body. I will make you squirm and moan and beg me to help you. Help you come. Help you over that edge that I keep you so desperately close to.

But I’m mean. I’ll tweak those nipples. I’ll hover over your lips, occasionally dancing the tip of my tongue across your top lip. There’s nothing you can do but look for me as I keep just out of reach.

I’ll do the same with your clit – hover above it and tease it with my tongue as you thrust your hips in the air, searching for me. I’ll just smile at you.

And when I’m ready, when I’M ready, when you are begging me to fuck you, when all you can think about, all you can be is that pulsing, throbbing clit and aching cunt, then I’ll fuck you.

Hard. How you like it. How you want it. Smashing our sex together. Uncontrollable. And I’ll keep doing that until you come, and I won’t stop until you come again and again. Until you can’t come anymore. Until you are spent.

And all we are are two bodies covered in sweat, heaving breath, unable to speak but clear of eyes, like a fire has been lit behind them.

The fire.

Where it has raged, now it will soften.

Where it was mean, now it is gentle. Where it opposed, now it melds together.

I love you. You love me. That is the only way we can do this.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring,
A person

The inspection went well…

Just an update on my house inspection, which I blogged about.

I got a lovely note saying that I had a very nicely presented house.

Which is good because I decided, aside from specifically cleaning the tiles, that I wasn’t going to do anything particularly special and see what happened.

Apparently it’s good enough to pass the inspection so I’m pretty happy about that!

Thanks real estate chick!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Kids vs the new girl

So once you split up a long term relationship with kids, eventually, after you’re single for a bit, you might, maybe, find someone who thinks you are OK.

Someone who might want to, you know, do it with you. Regularly.

And eventually you might want to hang out with that person more often. Maybe even hold their hand while walking around the shops.

But wait! You’ve got a kid! With kid things to do and parenting bits and messy stuff.

At what point do you decide the new girl, when you have one, gets to meet the kid/s? Or vice versa. I think.

This is the question that eventually I’ll ask myself. And the ace of hearts no doubt will have the same issue.

At what point do we introduce a new friend to our eight year old daughter? At what point do you say ‘darling, I’ve got a new person that I like a lot. You might see us doing things that your mother and I used to do’.

I’m sure the answer to this is very dependent on a number of different things. I look forward to hearing your comments on what you reckon is a reasonable time – or is it not about time but how serious the relationship is? Or what about how old the child is? Does that matter? Maybe it’s done in stages…or all at once?

Anyway, let me know because eventually I hope I’ll get to introduce a lovely new girl to my beautiful, precocious, emotional daughter.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Simple sunsets

Tonight I noticed a spectacular sunset. I even took a (crappy) photo of it.

sunset

When I got on Twitter, I noticed that a lot of people had also noticed the spectacular sunset in the region this evening.

It’s nice to notice sunsets. And sunrises. And pretty much anything else.

Do you notice things? Do you see the blue Fairy Wren in the grass as you walk to your car? Do you see the praying mantis on the jade plant at your door?

So many times we walk around in a daze, in our own worlds and our own heads, that we don’t notice anything around us. All the little pieces of beauty that make up our worlds.

I encourage you to try to be more observant. Try to notice one new thing on your way to work or school tomorrow (or today, depending where you are!)

And then I dare you not to be a little bit happy about it. Or maybe it will be something not so good, so you might be mad about it. Whatever it is, be happy/mad and enjoy it and then let it go…

And here is a quote from Cheryl Richardson:

Life is about growth, not safety.

When you notice things, you become more. You grow. It’s not safe to notice things because they might be ‘bad’ or uncomfortable. Then again, they might be wonderful and joyful too!

So go out and notice something, grow a little.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Sometimes the purpose goes missing…

I’ve been feeling a bit disengaged at work.

It’s not that I don’t like what I do. Because I really do like communications and marketing.

But somehow my purpose for working has become a bit lost. I’m feeling like ‘what is the point?’

What I do isn’t really all that important in the scheme of things. Yes, it needs to get done for sure. But I’m not a nurse. I’m not a cop. I’m not a doctor like some of my friends or a teacher or anything that seems to actually make a difference to people.

Really make a difference in that immediate sort of way.

Of course this is not entirely true for what I do. If I didn’t work there would be a bunch of specific stakeholders who would be affected by lack of communication and it would make their jobs a lot harder. So I do make a difference.

But it seems a bit lackluster compared to a nurse or a cop.

This disenchantment comes after my anxiety attacks and alongside some sleepless nights.

So what is going on?

This year has been pretty awesome so far. I’m going to New York and Bangkok. I’m having lots of fun and meeting new people, while still hanging with my old friends and family. My Dad is cancer free. My kid is healthy. I’m having a lovely time.

The thing is though, when you have a couple of big, emotionally draining years like I did in 2013/14, you get tired. You get tired of showing up. You get tired of keeping on moving. However, you do, and then things change for the better and look up. The happy comes back. The energy and the fun.

But that tiredness isn’t necessarily gone.

I’ve said since my split last April that I needed a break, a pallet cleanser, a chance to freshen up my brain.

This is my trip’s purpose and it’s going to be awesome but it has been a long time coming. I think probably just a little too long. Even my boss said, ‘you just need a break’.

So I’ve got to keep moving forward everywhere else while edging closer to my break. My two weeks of immersion in the new and then a couple of weeks chilling out by myself and with my daughter.

Now don’t think for a minute that I don’t know how self indulgent this might sound. Poor person, needing a break from her great life! I know I have a great life and I’m very grateful for it! But that also doesn’t mean that I don’t deserve to have a recharge after such a big life change.

So I’m going to hopefully sleep a bit more, get shit organised for my trip, and count down the days until I go.

And when I come back to work, I’m committing to coming back recharged and recommitted to helping the people who rely on me to do what I do. Even if I’m not saving lives, I’m saving minutes for lives to use in another way. That has to be good, right?

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring,
A person

Oh Lord, why can’t I sleep???

Fuckity fuck fuck I cannot sleep right now and it is driving me insane!

Today I didn’t go into work because I didn’t sleep much last night and now tonight it’s even WORSE! But I’m going to have to show up tomorrow like a freaking zombie because I had today off…even though it’s now 1.17am the next day.

Last night I didn’t sleep. It was hot. It was a bit noisy. There were different things going on.

Tonight I CAN’T sleep. And there is a difference.

Tonight my head is full of thoughts about EVERY FUCKING THING IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

Like for serious, can you not???

My trip and planning it and actually doing it…

Money. Houses. Life.

My trip again and what devices I’m taking and how I’m going to document it.

Relationships.

The property settlement.

Why I’m not asleep yet…

The wind outside creaking through the tree boughs…

Things I need to do.

Every fucking thing. 

It’s shitting me to tears, and the main reason for that is because I did have a brief period when I moved into my own place where I was sleeping quite well. It was magnificent. The halcyon days.

For now though, I’ve just typed this missive and drunk a cup of Milo (Australian’s will know it!) and am hoping that this is enough to help me get some shut eye before the alarm goes off in four fucking short hours.

Wishing you all the happiness and sleep the Universe can bring
A person

Housing my anxiety

So I had a bit of anxiety today.

I think it was that because my heart was doing it’s weird thing again. (Don’t worry, it’s been checked out and they say it’s all good…)

But what I really want to know is why it happened.

What do I have to be so anxious about? To be honest, life is pretty good right now. Like, really, really lovely.

The only thing I can think that triggered it was the Ace of hearts house hunting.

Now let’s just mention for the record, I am quite happy for her to do that and to get a nice house. Today we went and saw a house she liked. It was a very nice house.

However it then prompted me to go into a bit of a house hunting spin of my own. Searching through All Homes and even doing a drive-by on a house that I’ve looked at for a bit.

Having a house equals having safety and financial security to me. So right now, even though I’m mostly cool about renting and having no real plan, clearly there is a part of me that is so totally not cool about it that it is freaking out!

It’s the first time that I’ve been without some sort of plan for a house, or an actual house since, well, the early 1990s.

What I’m trying to find right now is the middle line between free wheeling as I seem to be, and being so wound up in getting financially secure that I was stressed out about spending anything.

Clearly the pendulum has swung a bit too far…now it seems I’m anxious about not having a house/financial security.

I guess the only way to assuage this anxiety is to get some sort of plan for myself and keep trying to walk that middle ground – trust the Universe to provide while moving towards that state myself.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person