Fear and the art of avoidance

I’m procrastinating…

A similar experience to masturbation, it feels good while you’re doing it, but it sucks afterwards when you realize that you just fucked yourself.

Except I’ve never felt bad about masturbation, for the record!

Nope, I’m procrastinating about planning my trip overseas.

I’m at seven weeks to go, and although I’ve been looking forward to and planning forsix months, now that my leave has been approved – two weeks ago – I’ve done nothing. Oh, I’ve looked at one link. That’s it.

Now that I think about it, procrastination, as the dictionary definition says, is not what I’m doing. I’m not being careless or lazy by not planning my trip.

I’m avoiding.

Avoiding is, for me, all about fear.

And things that I’m not consciously feeling fear about, but that I do actually feel fear about, I avoid. Just like you, dear reader, I suspect!

Until of course I realise that’s what I’m doing. So now I’ve realised I’m feeling some fear emotions around my big trip.

What is it that I’m scared about?

Well, it could be that I’m heading off to travel alone. It could be that I’m afraid it won’t be as good as I want it to be. It could be about real safety issues, or that I’m going to places and spaces that I normally find quite confronting – big, well let’s face it, incredibly big, cities.

Or maybe it’s a combination of all of those things.

I AM excited and thrilled to be going. It’s one of those ‘trips of a lifetime’ and a kind of end point to the year that was 2014.

It’s the full stop and then the start of the next sentence. It’s a palate cleanser of sorts.

It’s an immersion experience to fill my world, my brain, my heart and soul with all the newness that it can.

It’s New York City and Bangkok.

But all those things mentioned before are fears that I feel, when I ask myself what’s going on.

When people ask me who I’m travelling with and I say ‘just going by myself’ and they kind of get a ‘look’ on their face that indicates that they think I’m slightly crazy and then they usually say, ‘Wow, that’s brave’. But I don’t know if it really is, is it? I mean I’m an adult. However, it is somewhat scary going to a completely new, gigantic city full of things and people and noise by yourself.

I just refuse to let that fear stop me.

I refuse because I know that when I previously faced such fears and countered, conquered, set aside those same fears, I grew. I changed.

I became more.

So with a ticking clock I need to really start getting this stuff done. I need to start setting aside that anxious feeling and get going.

I think I need to write a list. Or find one. Lists help me feel in control of situations. I don’t enjoy chaos that much. I’m learning to go with the flow, but I still need plenty of practice.

Plus I do have some lovely distractions as well…

Even this post is avoiding and distracting me from the planning! So I’m off now to start some serious list writing!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

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