Fear and the art of avoidance

I’m procrastinating…

A similar experience to masturbation, it feels good while you’re doing it, but it sucks afterwards when you realize that you just fucked yourself.

Except I’ve never felt bad about masturbation, for the record!

Nope, I’m procrastinating about planning my trip overseas.

I’m at seven weeks to go, and although I’ve been looking forward to and planning forsix months, now that my leave has been approved – two weeks ago – I’ve done nothing. Oh, I’ve looked at one link. That’s it.

Now that I think about it, procrastination, as the dictionary definition says, is not what I’m doing. I’m not being careless or lazy by not planning my trip.

I’m avoiding.

Avoiding is, for me, all about fear.

And things that I’m not consciously feeling fear about, but that I do actually feel fear about, I avoid. Just like you, dear reader, I suspect!

Until of course I realise that’s what I’m doing. So now I’ve realised I’m feeling some fear emotions around my big trip.

What is it that I’m scared about?

Well, it could be that I’m heading off to travel alone. It could be that I’m afraid it won’t be as good as I want it to be. It could be about real safety issues, or that I’m going to places and spaces that I normally find quite confronting – big, well let’s face it, incredibly big, cities.

Or maybe it’s a combination of all of those things.

I AM excited and thrilled to be going. It’s one of those ‘trips of a lifetime’ and a kind of end point to the year that was 2014.

It’s the full stop and then the start of the next sentence. It’s a palate cleanser of sorts.

It’s an immersion experience to fill my world, my brain, my heart and soul with all the newness that it can.

It’s New York City and Bangkok.

But all those things mentioned before are fears that I feel, when I ask myself what’s going on.

When people ask me who I’m travelling with and I say ‘just going by myself’ and they kind of get a ‘look’ on their face that indicates that they think I’m slightly crazy and then they usually say, ‘Wow, that’s brave’. But I don’t know if it really is, is it? I mean I’m an adult. However, it is somewhat scary going to a completely new, gigantic city full of things and people and noise by yourself.

I just refuse to let that fear stop me.

I refuse because I know that when I previously faced such fears and countered, conquered, set aside those same fears, I grew. I changed.

I became more.

So with a ticking clock I need to really start getting this stuff done. I need to start setting aside that anxious feeling and get going.

I think I need to write a list. Or find one. Lists help me feel in control of situations. I don’t enjoy chaos that much. I’m learning to go with the flow, but I still need plenty of practice.

Plus I do have some lovely distractions as well…

Even this post is avoiding and distracting me from the planning! So I’m off now to start some serious list writing!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Tennis with music (and a little bit of swearing)

So I’m watching the tennis with the sound down and my music on.

It’s quite enjoyable, although having said that, I’d rather watch the girls than the boys play. Not sure if that’s because I’m an evil lesbian or not!

Meanwhile, I get a wonderful selection of my shuffle – right now is one of my favourite songs. Special, by Garbage. Go check it out!

And then back to the tennis – can we please get to the next match please! Surely there is a women’s match on Rod Laver now that the Djokovic match is finished?

What is it with all this boy sport anyway? Women’s teams frequently do better in world sporting comps (read cricket and soccer for a start) but yet where are they? What is this bullshit that still exists that people don’t want to watch them?

Tennis isn’t too bad because they seem to have plenty of women’s matches on TV, although I’ve never run the percentages of male vs female matches televised.

However other televised sport is just woeful, and now with cuts to the ABC, guess which sports got the chop? Oh I know you’re with me on this one. It’s just shitty!

And here is my ill thought out, totally not researched opinion about it: it’s just conditioning. We have seen so much men’s sports that we just aren’t used to seeing women’s teams playing on TV. Some may argue that the quality or the skill level is not the same, but I would call bullshit to that too. I’m not even going to qualify those comments with a counter argument.

So back to the tennis, where we now have a mixed doubles match with Martina Hingis and a bunch of other people I’ve never heard of. Was doubles tennis invented so that people who couldn’t compete at the top level any more but still wanted the jet setting, tennis lifestyle? I’m sure I’ve insulted people there but maybe I just need to watch a bit more of it to get an appreciation.

Anyway, welcome to my extremely exciting life!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Dead flies and soap scum – the first rental inspection is nearly here!

Warning: I may swear and use all caps in this post. Just saying.

I’m renting a lovely house at the moment. It’s got a great view and it’s pretty new, so it’s very nice.

But I haven’t been in the rental game for some time – like 14 years or so – and so I’m not up with the whole rental scene. All that asking for permission to put a hook on the wall, have a pet or plant something in the garden.

So I was wondering when my first inspection was going to happen and got the letter in the mail this week. For those of you in the world of home ownership, this is what you are missing out on:

  • Clean stovetop and oven – yes, perfectly reasonable. Solid hotplates treated with a blackening agent – ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Fortunately I don’t have those but FOR SERIOUS??
  • Exhaust fan grills taken down and cleaned, ceiling vents cleaned, range hood filters cleaned – look, I don’t know about you but if you clean these things once a year, it’s a good year. I don’t have an exhaust fan but I do have range hood and 20 ceiling vents. Its summer and I haven’t used them…
  • Soap build-up on shower screens and tiles cleaned off – yes perfectly reasonable. I’m anal about cleaning the shower before I get out each time anyway, so not worried about that one. You on the other hand, with your soap scummy glass…
  • Window and door tracks cleaned – well, hello. This only happens when the build-up of dead files and bugs on the tracks becomes so much that it’s affecting the functioning of the door. I don’t want to get done for a few dead flies but seriously, this is Australia and I have a lot of damn window and door tracks!
  • All light fittings cleaned. Doors, floors, and skirting boards cleaned. ARE YOU SERIOUS? Skirting boards only get cleaned if the dust layer is visible. And clean doors, DOORS? And light fittings? If you think I’m debugging the fluorescents at the risk of breaking the damn things you are wrong. Meanwhile, it took a year to clean the inch of bugs out of our previous lounge room lights…then again, we did need a ladder for that.
  • Lawns mowed and edges trimmed – well the lawns (ahahahahaha yeah right, like you’ve provided me with a lawn…this is Australian country living we are talking about…clumps of grass, weeds and dirt interspersed with some pebbles and shale rocks) are mowed. The edges…hmmm well maybe I’ll attempt to clear the grass that is growing between the path and the house wall because it hasn’t been sealed properly.
  • Flower beds, tan bark and pebbled areas weeded – look, I love gardening but when you have an empty bed that isn’t filled with anything it’s gonna get a million weeds in it. Maybe I’ll mow them down but how about helping me out. I’d love to tend to some plants there…but wait, I’d have to ask permission to plant them first.

It sounds like I’m a terrible house keeper but really I’m not! The house is clean and tidy. I’ve written before about my love of my robot vacuum cleaner and he runs every couple of days to keep the carpet nice and clean. I love a benchtop free of shit so that’s pretty sorted and I always clean the shower.

I think what really gets me is being TOLD what to do. Yeah, I hate that shit. So I’m a little defensive about it.

Plus, it’s all about the judgement isn’t it? Someone is going to come in and say no that needs work, or yes, that’s good enough. I’m 43. I’ve owned my own houses and I’m pretty good with other people’s stuff. I’m kind of unhappy about someone coming in and judging if my adulthood skills are up to scratch!

Not that I blame these ladies who have to do this. They are just doing their job. But I’ve had some bad experiences of trying to do the right thing and then getting stung for it because a third party stuffed something up…like dry cleaning curtains and wrecking them. What a fucking nightmare fight that was – months of time trying to resolve it.

Anyway, in the end, I’ve just got to suck it up really. Get my big girl pants on and play by the rules.

Sigh. Looks like I’ll be collecting dead flies…

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Ugh – retrogrades and writing

I want to write but nothing is coming to me!

This is annoying for me and for you because you are now reading going, OK, is this post going to get somewhere or not?

Very frustrating!

Meanwhile, I’m very happy with this year so far. It’s energy is lighter and even though there are apparently more astrological nightmares in store, bad ones for finance apparently, they aren’t in my sign of Scorpio and I’m feeling pretty happy about that! The term the astrologer’s used was ‘endured’ to describe the last two years for Scorpio’s and I can attest to that, totally!

Meanwhile the current retrograde (I think that’s what it’s called) is actually taking out communications so no wonder I can’t think about writing right now!

But travel is in the air and I’m very excited! I’ll be doing some more blogging about it and am trying to work out if I can use this blog to diarise my trip or if I should create another specific one. Having said that, I really don’t want too many blogs and once I’m finished travelling, what will happen to it?

Anyway, I hope this rather ordinary post won’t cause a mass deflection!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Aloha readers!

Would have loved to have blogged tonight but instead was creating a poster for the Aloha Canberra! event for Canberra’s Multicultural Festival. This event has lots of pineapples and American culture and sounds like a fun event!

Write soon!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Trapped under a pile of CDs…

Today I was rediscovering music.

It’s like going through your life backwards…where as most of the music I have now is downloaded (like most of you I suspect), I was an avid CD music purchaser through the 1990s and early 2000s.

I started pulling the box out because I really wanted to hear Cherry Lips by Garbage. In trying to find that it was like rediscovering a million dollars in cash in an old box!

Sneaker Pimps, Air, Jet, Clouds, Pearl Jam, Jeff Buckley, and george, have now got back on my playlist.

I’ve had a lovely listen to Pavarotti (yes, I did say Pavarotti), some delightful sixties divas, covers by Australian bands of Burt Bacharach, New Order and Live. Not all the CDs will be transferred – it’s such a big job and I’ll be prioritising so I can get as much of the stuff I want for now as possible.

And for the first time ever, a few CDs will disappear. I hate putting out music as much as I hate putting out books, but sometimes there are some things you have to let go.

It’s been so lovely disappearing into these songs again!

Not only that, it brings back a lot of memories. I can often picture the time and place I heard a particular song. I’m sure it’s true for most people that music can really embed itself in your head and colour the period of time you were listening to it.

The last time I was this single, I spent a lot of time just laying around listening to music. It seems interesting that I’m doing that again, although I always had music on in the background of the family home. Kids don’t often allow you to just sit and listen however!

I’m loving introducing new /old music to my daughter. She’s been enjoying Diamonds and Pearls by Prince with me for the last few weeks. The only problem is when she asks ‘Mumma, what’s this song about?’ and the song is Cream, or Gett Off, or Thunder. Damn that man sings about sex a lot!! The answer is usually ‘it’s about people having fun’ although when she asked me why it was called Gett Off, I confess I said ‘because it just is!’

Hope you enjoy your music collection as much as I do!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

I’ve stopped looking for ‘The One’…

When you’re young, love is all about ‘The One’.

That one person who is going to sweep you off your feet and give you everything and complete you and make you happy forever (breathlessly).

And when you’re young, why wouldn’t you believe that?

Why, when you’ve been fed Disney love stories your entire childhood, wouldn’t you believe that it could happen? (Fairy tales are real, right?)

Why, when Hollywood sells the search for ‘The One’ in just about every movie that comes out – and guess what, they always end up together! Each being the one for the other (romantic sigh).

And let’s face it, when you’re young, you are also pretty dumb at this stuff. Frankly, you can’t help it because you haven’t had any practice yet. You have no idea about relationships or love or how to behave (speaking for myself of course).

It’s taken a while for me, now being 43, to decide that I’m no longer looking for ‘The One’.

Even when you think you might have found that person, 15 years later it can turn out not to be true.

Well, sort of.

Because now I will be looking for the next person, who instead of being ‘The One’ will instead be just a person. And not so much as looking, but just being myself and being available.

I will learn from and grow with that person (who coincidently is also available) for whatever amount of time we are together. I’m not going to put time limits on it. Neither four months, nor four years, nor forty years (although to be honest, at 43 someone is going to have to arrive pretty smartly to make that timeframe).

Whatever I am to learn from that person will happen in whatever time we are together. I trust the Universe will send the right person for the job at the right time, for the right length of time.

So there is no need to try to find ‘The One’ because in their own way, every person I love will be that one, at that time, for me.

If you’ve been searching for ‘The One’, what would it take for you to give up that idea and just be with someone as they are, for as long as it goes?

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Let yourself be inspired!

I was procrastinating today – well, to be honest I still am!

I was procrastinating on doing some hard work so I decided to check my social media.

On Facebook a friend had posted a number of videos, and even though I mostly don’t watch videos on FB, today I did.

The first one was a British X-Factor clip of a very nervous man singing ‘The Rose’ (Christopher Maloney if you want to Google).

The second was an amazing dance routine via Mmb Quality.

The third was a speech by a New York senator on a marriage equality bill for the state.

All of them captured me.

I was bought to tears by the singer. Amazed by the dancer. Impressed by the speaker.

All of them had touched me with their humour, talent and humanity. They gave me pause.

How am I using my talents to touch people? Can I use them better? Do I have what it takes to move myself to that place where I give so effortlessly (or even not, as the singer proved)?

The answer is I don’t know but I’m going to try.

When people push through their fear to bring their love and passion to the external realm, that’s when magic happens. When you see someone doing something from that place, they are just so powerful and mesmerising! It is simply beautiful to watch.

And it doesn’t have to be that you are a great singer or dancer or artist. You don’t have to be a celebrity or in the news or YouTube to bring that magic. Just doing what you do with love and passion is all it takes to reveal the magic.

So I will continue to push through those doubts and insecurities to bring my love and passion to the external world. I will be inspired by others to keep reaching. I thank them for their passion.

Meanwhile, I also watched a video of a monkey reviving another monkey that had been electrocuted in India. Simply. Gut-wrenchingly. Incredible.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Just a shout out to the watchers!

Hey, how are you!

Yes, the ace of hearts told me she has people who watch this blog for her and report back.

I’m happy for the extra stats but I do have a question…

Are you happy doing this job?

Wishing you (yes even you watchers) all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Ocean love

The ocean is for lovers.

Lovers of oblivion, of strength, of the never-ending-ness* of it all.

Lovers of waves crashing against you time and time again. Of salty, stinging eyes and the taste of sea in your mouth.

I love the ocean and I’ve just returned from two days in heavenly bliss – not only the ocean but the home of my spirit, my soul. This place nourishes me like no other, holds me gently in it’s windswept rocky arms, soothes me in water both rough and calm.

I spent my childhood at this place on the edge of Australia and I left my heart there. I love to take people I love there, I love to share it with them when my heart is so full.

For me the ocean washes away everything. Every good and bad thing is diminished in its wake, its waves, its power.

There is little time to think, and so the meditation is watching the waves, chancing the break, fighting the surge, pulling against the pull. There is no time to think about good things or bad things in this world. It is heavenly oblivion.

If the ocean is not your meditation, I hope you have something else to take you away. Something else that cleanses you, body, mind, soul.

‘I could die in the arms of the ocean and pretend they were you’

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe an bring
A person

*Yes I made up a word, but it’s a good one, no?!

Also, I just found this! How coincidental (is there any such thing?!)