If I could tell you anything, young woman

If I could tell you anything before this year was through young woman, I would tell you this:

You made mistakes this year. You fucked up. You lost. You didn’t know what you had.

You didn’t know that love was real, so you didn’t recognise it. You didn’t know you could lose it so easily, even though it hung on with fingernails on your cliff.

You won’t know this properly for a long time, probably many years.

You won’t know it until you meet another one who loves you like that. Then you will really understand what you lost. What mistake you made.

You thought you knew everything. It’s what the young do. They can’t help it. It’s the essential nature of the young to be arrogant and ignorant of all the things they do not know. It’s the animal they are. There is nothing to be done but forge ahead, breaking things until it becomes clearer how not to break it, how to hold it without fracturing, shattering it.

Until it becomes clear what you hold is magical.

Life is for making mistakes. Life is for loving and leaving, breaking and healing, bending, snapping, bleeding and stitching up again. Love is the battlefield, the tree on the hill your destination.

Young woman, don’t worry about what he says, or she says. You are beautiful.

Don’t believe the voice in your head that says you can’t. You can.

You won’t believe me right now young woman, but trust me when I say you are never more beautiful than today, and tomorrow you will be more beautiful still, and every day after that.

You won’t believe me when I say that someone will love you for who you are. Someone will not ask you to do things to make yourself smaller. They won’t ask you to be anything that you are not. You will want to be better for them. Your heart will direct you to climb.

Young woman, a day here, a year there, will pass by. You can let these things go but before you do, make sure you realise your mistakes and learn from them. Life is for making mistakes, but don’t make the same ones twice.

Love yourself, young woman, and don’t worry, someone else will love you too.

So young woman, at some time in the future, near or far, you will realise what you’ve done this year.

When you realise the mistake you made with the love you had and threw away, instead of sadness, send a prayer to that heart that loved you fearlessly. Send a prayer that says that you didn’t know what to do with all that love because you’d never seen it before – you thought you knew everything, but now you realise you knew nothing.

Send a prayer that heals not just the heart you broke but your own.

Bless a star in the sky for that heart, that love, and then look with love towards yourself and be whole.

Go forward young woman. Make your mistakes, break your hearts, learn your lessons, heal your wounds and grow. Grow and appreciate the gift that someone else gave to you. The gift of being there to practice on. The gift to make the mistake and learn.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

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2015 Resolutions – no really, I’m gonna do them!

OK so lots of resolutions are about getting new jobs and losing 30 kilos, and I could probably do with the latter BUT…

This year I want to try and continue the learning journey I’ve been on since the start of 2014. So in aid of that I’ve been finding quotes that I’m going to use as inspiration for my resolutions in 2015.

1. Don’t presuppose the outcome.

1st resolution

So it might be a little painful…just do it anyway! Don’t try and talk myself out of it and don’t decide for someone else what they might think or feel about me.

2. Explore with someone.

2nd resolution

Not sure how long the Universe is going to give me before I get a chance to practice this one, but I can’t wait to do this again with someone!

3. Be brave – just do it!

‘You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.’ Benjamin Mee, We Bought a Zoo

That 20 seconds of bravery is the difference between someone not saying anything and someone saying yes! Of course they could also say no but hey, I’ll never know if I don’t even ask!

4. Walk tall.

‘All you can do is be brave enough to get out there. You fought. You loved. You lost. Walk tall Torres.’ Mark Sloan, Grey’s Anatomy

Give myself kudos for getting out there, whatever ‘out there’ that might be. I tried, I failed? Oh well, I’ll try again then! Stop judging myself for the failures and be proud of myself for the effort.

5. Be happy.

5th resolution

Just live. Be satisfied with what I have. Be happy with the goodness, beauty and wonder that  is my very fortunate life. Spend time doing the things that I enjoy and that nurture me.

I wish you all a wonderful New Years celebration, whatever you are doing. And bring on the blessings for 2015!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

My 2014 ‘awards’

There was a lot of things happening for me this year and so, in further year in review style, here are some of my ‘awards’ for 2014 – all in fun of course! (Note these are things I discovered in 2014, they may not originate from then!)

Song of the year

  • Fire meet gasoline – Sia
  • Reset – Tina Arena
  • Addicted to you – Avicci
  • 101 – Alicia Keys
  • Only love can hurt like this – Paloma Faith

It had to be Sia, that song I must have played about 2700 times.

Album of the year

  • Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack
  • 1000 Forms of Fear – Sia
  • Reset – Tina Arena
  • 1989 – Taylor Swift
  • Girl on Fire – Alicia Keys

Errrr Sia again! The others were all very close seconds but every song on that Sia album is totally awesome and spoke to me no matter what stage I was at this year.

Sia

Album I never wanted but still haven’t deleted yet – U2’s free Songs of Innocence album. I’m getting used to some of the songs that come up on my shuffle but I’m still not all that entranced.

Song I never want to hear again – Dance for me – Beyoncé.

Movie of the year

  • Maleficent
  • Guardians of the Galaxy
  • The Lego Movie
  • Captain America – The Winter Soldier
  • Mr Peabody and Sherman
  • Frozen
  • X-Men Days of Future Past

So I didn’t see that many movies this year but to be honest, this is more than I usually watch at the theatre! Winner is actually quite tough because I love, love, love the first three in the list and I’ve watched them multiple times. If I had to call it, it wold probably be Maleficent because Angelina Jolie’s performance in that was just stunning!

maleficent

Laugh of the year

  • Bruceline the chicken queen – conversation with Steph
  • The ‘teeth’ – fooling around at work to lighten the mood
  • When my kid told me I didn’t fix the robot vacuum, Google did
  • Anal girl – conversation with Steph
  • The toaster joke – conversation with my brother
  • Whore watch – conversation with Steph
  • Driving in Texas – conversations with Ashleigh

Well despite not having that great a year I’ve had plenty of laughs, especially in the second half of 2014, and especially with some lovely new friends from the world of the interwebs. I’d have to say the most regular laughs lately have come from the fabulous Ms London (Steph). You can follow her on Twitter @greys_army_UK but don’t take up too much of her laughing time from me!!

Song lyric of the year

I quoted a lot of song lyrics this year, including 100 in one day for my song lyric challenge early in the year, so narrowing the list down to five or six specific lyrics is really hard!

Pink – Is this thing on?

It is so hard, to let go and replace you
I still love you
I just wanna find the thing that made me think
This was the one
All in good time, we’ll be just fine
Either way we need to be happy
Tell me, is this thing on?
How do we keep this new
How do I keep you into me, into me
Without thinking it too
What do we have to try
When everything is to lose
Cause it always is just me and you
But it’s the hardest thing, the hardest thing to do

Sia – Fire meet gasoline

Fire meet gasoline
I’m burning alive
And I can barely breathe
And you’re in love with me
Fire meet gasoline
Burn with me tonight
But it’s a bad bet, certain death
But I want what I want, and I gotta get it
When the fire dies
Darken the skies
Hot ash, dead match only smoke is left

Gotye – I feel better

Life sometimes seems to get the best of you
Like everything just brings you down
Just when you think there’s nothing you can do
A friendly face will bring you around
And you’ll feel better
You’ll feel better, you’ll feel better,
Better than before
You’ll feel better, much better
No you won’t get down any more

Olivia Newton-John – Clearly love

Where am I when you’re not here
I see you but we’re not clear
You wouldn’t know
How could I show you
Where to look when I’m not here
You can hold and have me near
But when I go
How can I show you love
I just don’t know
Who am I when you are you
I just don’t know what to do
But when we’re here
It’s all so clearly love

Alicia Keys – 101

Then there’s me, all fox for your gun
Then there’s me, just love me for fun
Then there’s me, no use in pretending
Oh there’s me, a 101
I might as well stand in front of a bullet
Close my eyes and kick the chair to the floor
It’s like a speeding train is coming,
I know you’ve crashed it 100 times before

Taylor Swift – Out of the woods

Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods yet?
Are we out of the woods?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
Are we in the clear yet?
In the clear yet?

Reset – Tina Arena

I’ve been holding on
Just to let go
Turn a blind eye not sure I wanna know
Clear the slate, go back to before
Illuminate and reset all
How the times run so fast
Amazed it’s all in the past
I’m a million miles from there
Thinking of this wear and tear
My brain is so fatigued
Avoiding all that surrounds me
Sometimes I forget to breathe
And there’s the moment we stop believing

All such great songs and I could have quoted so many more! But for the win, I’d say Tina Arena’s Reset lyrics cover my year pretty well.

Cutest moment of the year

Cuddling of the joey (baby kangaroo) – year made! Baby kangaroos are totally the cutest, especially if you are without other pets of any kind.

Inspiration of the year (who has inspired me this year)

  • My Dad – beating cancer
  • My daughter – for being awesome through her parents break up
  • Steph – for always being so positive
  • The little bird – against many odds

I’m not going to pick one because the combination of knowing these people, and others who have battled adversity and are still reasonable people, amaze me. I’m proud and honoured to know them all.

Big names that inspired/spoke to me this year

  • Laverne Cox
  • Elizabeth Gilbert
  • Iyanla Vanzant
  • Shonda Rhimes
  • Jennifer Lawrence
  • Emma Watson

Elizabeth Gilbert made so much sense to me. I follow her on FB and she writes these most awesome, down to earth posts about her journey that are very easily relatable. Maybe I should read some of her books?! The others are pretty much leaders in the push for equal rights for all, and so very inspiring to me!

Quote of the year

  • Out of destruction, create something – via purplebuddhaproject
  • ‘People fall in love without reason, without even wanting to. You can’t predict it. That’s love.’ – Haruki Marukami, Dance Dance Dance
  • I don’t want to die without any scars – via purplebuddhaproject (but also from Fight Club)
  • ‘When you realise you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it’ – Dalai Lama
  • Nobody said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it.
  • When something goes wrong in your life, just yell ‘plot twist’ and move on.
  • ‘I believe in being happy’ – Shonda Rhimes

I could really do quotes all day because a lot of other people’s words have inspired me, comforted me, pushed me, confronted me. The ones that resonate regularly though for me during this year are ‘Out of destruction, create something’ and ‘I believe in being happy’.

Favourite new TV show

  • Scandal
  • How to get away with Murder
  • Adventure Time
  • Orphan Black

Too hard to choose! I love watching Adventure Time with my daughter but the others were so incredibly impressive! I was late to the Scandal and OB parties but was onto the HTGAWM train immediately and I was not disappointed!

olivia pope

Favourite returning TV show

  • Lost Girl
  • Grey’s Anatomy
  • Orange is the New Black
  • Once Upon a Time
  • The Fosters

Although you can’t beat Calzona for lesbian angst, and OITNB was again so awesomely written, acted and directed, I actually was so excited for Lost Girl to return! It’s such a fun show, with so much sexy heart and unashamedly LGBTI friendly.

lost girl

Person I’ve most wanted to kiss this year

  • Ace of hearts
  • Little bird
  • The Podiatrist
  • Jessica Capshaw
  • Mystery woman X
  • Kerry Washington

Huh! Who knew I wanted to pash so many people this year! I did spend a few months wanting to kiss the little bird since she was so far away, and JCap/Ace of hearts took out the beginning of the year for sure but to be honest, The Podiatrist is right now the hottest kiss I want on my lips.

So, did you have any ‘awards’ or favourites you’ll remember from 2014?

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

A year in review part 4

October – happy birthday to me?

This year’s birthday was a little flat to be honest. October was then I started to look for houses for myself and my daughter. I also had a few terse, tense and challenging moments with the pair of aces. I often felt like I was in a vice. And oh yeah, I spent the whole month waiting for my car to get fixed after a crash at the end of September.

What did I learn? Sometimes you just have to keep going through it to get out the other side.

November – moving on up

Finally, things were starting to look good! My daughter and I moved into a new place and the Farm was sold. Work was busy but also finally I felt like my head was back in the game. I participated in NaBloPoMo, which I enjoyed a lot and was looking forward to getting settled in the new place and getting back to writing my novel.

What did I learn? Creating your own space is incredibly important, no matter how great your host has been.

December – the elbows of doom

Almost as soon as things picked up, they came crashing down. My elbows became inflamed from too much work and finalising the Farm move. So I was forced from work and most of life to rest. Which wasn’t all bad because I did discover Scandal and watched all four seasons in two weeks! I Also, I got my feet sorted and walked 40kms during that time, which was great, but also developed a crush on my podiatrist…

What did I learn? That I really don’t like lounging around but with hot chick motivation things can happen!

Wishing you all the happiness in the Universe can bring
A person

The year in review part 3

July – leaving home

It was this month that I had to abruptly move out of my Farm, my home for the last four years. Not just a home but a nurturing space, a spiritual rest for me. It was wrenching and hard, but at the same time, although I was forced out, it was almost like ripping off the bandaid and I had a quick recovery because I chose to see it positively. Also, my brother made his home my home and that meant a lot to me.

What did I learn? Even if someone throws you off a cliff, someone else will be there to catch you. Seeing things in a positive light makes it easier to recover from something that is difficult.

August – the little bird flies away

This month was the first and best time that the little bird and I broke up. It was sad and full of heart and had no heat, no lies to it. Although having said that, one of the biggest lies was also discovered this month, which was forgiven but damaged the trust. The pieces fell apart after that.

What did I learn? Trust MY instincts.

September – oh those ouchy feelings

This was a month of processing, lesson, more processing, another lesson, processing again. It was a rollercoaster of emotion through which I could see almost no end but at the same time, the realisations, the learning that I got from it was irreplaceable.

What did I learn? Be conscious of your feelings, look at them, work them through, find the lesson. This is the most important thing. Oh, and keep going anyway, no matter the pain because eventually it will end.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

The year in review part 2

March – the MIL

So in February my mother in law moved into my house rent free for an indefinite time. In March she told the ace of hearts things that then made us fight. So although throughout our marriage she was often helpful, she was also manipulative and destructive. The things she did in March and some of the things she has done since were not helpful.

What did I learn? Never live with your in-laws for more than two weeks.

April – it wasn’t just a trip to the café

It was in this month that I had the epiphany, the ‘Universal gut punch’ that my marriage was over. I was on the way to get a hot chocolate. I came back shaking, numb, unbelieving, confused. Within a day of that moment I ended my 15 year relationship.

What did I learn? That clarity of vision doesn’t mean calmness or that the decision is easy to execute.

May – my Twitter saviours

Although I had support from my family and friends during this time, I also got to know a number of people on Twitter. These people became my friends, my confidants, my advisers, my jesters. They distracted me, propped me up, calmed me down. They showed me kindness where there was no necessity to.

What did I learn? That once you are ready to ask for help there are many who are willing to give it.

June – the blanket

It’s cold where I live in winter. Frosty. As I moved through my guilt and pain at the break-up of my marriage, my family, I consoled myself beneath my fleece blanket. This blanket I had created myself with love, and it became my safe place.

It also became a safe place for another – metaphorically speaking. It was within the safety of the blanket that the little bird began to share the branch.

What did I learn? That sometimes you need to just retreat and comfort yourself, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

A year in review

So I wanted to review this year to make sure I took what I could from it and launch into 2015 with some solid lessons and wisdom.

January 2014 – decisions

In January of this year I decided I was going to try to achieve my dream of writing. I rearranged my work so I had Friday’s off to look after my daughter, but while she was at school, I would have a few hours to write.

I was very excited about this decision and the steps I made towards it in January.

It never worked out that way.

What did I learn? Best laid plans and all that jazz… But it was empowering to make the decision and to move towards achieving it.

February 2014 – the arm

Not my arm. Her arm. It got infected and she ended up being in terrible pain and needing hospitalisation and surgeries. It was horrible to see her like that and there was nothing I could do.

What did I learn? I couldn’t save her, I couldn’t help her. I couldn’t even be there enough to satisfy her.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person