Wow, I feel amazing! I feel like a new person.
I feel like tweeting ‘Throwback to last Thursday when I was a completely different person!’
This is for two reasons.
- I now have direction and a way forward – there was a question of which way to go.
- The way I handled my emotions and got back together took only a bit more than an hour, in the middle of the night.
The answer to that question was a revelation of, unfortunately and sadly, lies, manipulation and cheating, but the way I managed to redirect my emotions was the real revelation for me.
Previous iterations of me would have stayed up stewing, angry, hurt, crying, beating myself up, feeling shame, embarrassment, extreme anger. Then probably would have been doing that on and off for days. There would be anger towards the other person, but most of it would be directed at myself.
However last night something happened…
To be honest, I did do a bit of that for about an hour or so. I did.
I was hurt and angry at this person betraying my trust again. I reacted straight away, despite it being 2amish and answered the third (I know right, she did it to me THREE fucking times by text to wake up to!) text telling me we were done because she was back with her ex-boyfriend, who she’d been seeing for the last two weeks.
To be fair, we weren’t together this time. Let’s be clear on that.
At the same time though, she led me on, telling me she missed me, telling me she loved me so much, telling me she thought about me often, that she was still in love with me since the previous split. She didn’t have to tell me those things. I asked a question, she answered but she choose to answer in that way.
So it was fairly reasonable of me to believe we may get back together at some point.
However, it seems that all of those things were lies. It seems she just strung me along and that those things were not true.
I did beat myself up for believing in her, in what she said, for a bit. Like I said, it was 2amish and by about 3.30amish I was still tossing and turning.
Then I suddenly thought, what if instead of looking at anger at how she has behaved, why don’t I look with love at my actions?
And when I did, I realised that:
- I did not ever lie to her
- I did not cheat on her
- I never manipulated her
- My heart and intentions were true and
- all those things were what SHE did.
That those things were not actually a bad reflection on me. That I was open, trusting and loving to her was not something to be ashamed of, or beat myself up over.
That her actions were a reflection on HER.
Now you may say, ‘well yes person that is a no brainer’, but answer this…
Last time someone duped you, lied to you or pissed you off for whatever reason, was there not some part of you that was angry at YOURSELF that it was done to you?
Was there not the question ‘why didn’t I listen to that little voice that told me not to trust them?’
I’ll be happy to see how many of you comment that you are so aligned with yourself that you can instantly see someone else’s behaviour is just that, THEIR behaviour. And that it’s not your fault because you trusted them that they hurt you or betrayed you. (Well hello, Dali Llama!)
Because for someone who is trying to be conscious about these things, it’s an automatic response for me to start beating myself up for being such a fool.
But actually, I’m not a fool.
It’s true, I did ignore the little voice that was telling me X did not equal Y in her stories. Or that if she wouldn’t tell her best friends or exes about me, that perhaps there was something fishy going on. (And yes, she was a real person, not a 53 year old man in his underwear!)
Once I actually looked at myself with love, I went to sleep. When I woke up, I was not angry or upset. I was a little more hyper than usual and I spoke to some other long distance friends about it – those that had been following the saga.
But I was not upset. I felt good. I felt strong. I felt positive!
So now ace of clubs, your final hand has been dealt.
And I’m not going to pretend this is the last time I’m ever going to think of you, because it may not be.
But today I felt like I had just come out of a red hot forge, superheated and strong. Beaten into shape, melted and recast.
I felt strong. I felt strong because I stayed open when I could have been closed. I could not believe the difference in how I have previously reacted. Even just a few months ago I was emotional for a week. But not this time.
I remembered something from Iyanla Vanzant which was about radical forgiveness, by actively loving the person who has hurt you. It means you have control of the relationship. That the love directs it, not the anger. As she said, ‘I’m not going to invite them to Thanksgiving dinner!’ but she could choose (in this case her husband and best friend who ran off together K) to appreciate them for the impact on her life.
Well I’ll take the lessons and my love and the ace of clubs can stay here, locked in time in 2014 and no longer able to hurt me.
I look forward to the next heart adventure time with someone (hopefully a little closer to home!) but I’m quite happy to see out this year feeling strong, and being by myself.
Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring