Today was a little all over the place.
I think partly it was the running around still doing things, putting things away, clearing up and all that moving house stuff that is the practical side of it all.
Tiredness is starting to set in, as well as getting over driving back and forth to the old house to get stuff.
I was quite impatient, so of course that meant that every slow bastard everywhere was in front of me!
Everything at the house is slowly getting sorted, it’s looking mostly how I want it to, although the room that has had zero attention is the study and still looks like a bomb has hit it! And I can’t get the wifi to work, which is really frustrating!!
Overall though, it is coming together and I’m enjoying it here, even with a little rain today.
However I think along with the joy of having my own space is obviously a little sadness that this is one of the final things that happens for my marriage to be over. I am now in my own house with my daughter and the ace of hearts will be in hers next week. We’ve both been working hard at getting these spaces ready and it’s exhausting, both physically and emotionally.
Today I’m in between enjoying my own space and wanting to share it with someone. Getting used to the idea that could take some time before I invite a person in again, or at least, have the invitation accepted.
It’s a little confusing because they are at cross purposes, those feelings. The happiness of finally being somewhere of my own, and the desire of sharing it with someone else. Or perhaps that is a sadness that I no longer share it with the ace of hearts? Or the unknown of the ace of clubs?
To be honest it’s challenging because I still have so much love and compassion for them both, while still having issues with them both. Depending on the swing of the pendulum, it could be feelings about either one of them. I feel like I’m the ball in the middle of that office toy that gets smacked from either side but stays stationary while the others swing away and come back again.
And sometimes I feel like I should not have these feelings, or perhaps I’m not entitled to them – feeling sad or angry or love for them both – which compounds the confusion even further.
In the end, all will settle down soon enough. The ace of hearts will feel better once she is in her own space, and if you look at her interior design aesthetic compared to mine you’ll wonder how we stayed together all those 15 years…but we did agree on many things once upon a time.
I will probably miss my daughter a lot more now that I have an entire house to myself – something else that may be adding to the mix of emotions tonight as she has gone now.
Regardless, I shall work though both the tasks and the emotions as they arise, but a little more sleep might help me with that!
For the record, that toy I’m speaking of is called Newton’s Cradle and here’s a photo, in case my description was not visual enough!
Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring