The rollercoaster

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I’m so confused but all I know is…

I want to write about so many things but the reality is, I miss her.

I miss talking to her. I miss sharing with her. I miss her laugh.

She’s gone away for a while, out of range of communication. I don’t know exactly when she will arrive back.

So many questions are in my mind, based on our last conversation before she left.

It’s the unknown of what might happen if she comes back. Will we get back together? Will she even contact me?

How do I even feel?

Do I just want her because I can’t have her right now?

Do I want her because she brings out different parts of me that I haven’t explored before?

Do I want her because I want to save her?

I can’t save her and I know that. She has to make her own choices. I know she’s strong and wouldn’t want me to save her. But even strong people need help sometimes.

What is it in me that wants her?

It really does puzzle me because I was not looking for anyone and then she came along. Slipped under the radar.

Is it simply that she wanted me?

I can’t think that I’d be hanging around, feeling these feelings or learning so much if it was not real.

Sometimes I’m just so confused by it all – why did she come along? Why do I feel this way? Nothing about this is logical or makes any sense at all. We are so opposite that it’s hard to believe it could possibly work at all!

But I guess the thing about her being gone now is that I can concentrate on getting through this next month, moving forward in life. I know I’ve lost friends from this whole process and that’s disappointing, but a reality I guess.

I still don’t regret making the choice to end my marriage or enter an online relationship (even if I wasn’t looking for anyone at that time or in the immediate future). I own those choices.

I’m not sure where she is at or where she will be when she returns from her hiatus. Maybe this break is what we both need to break away from each other, since we seem incapable of doing it while we can still talk. We keep getting pulled together by whatever force the Universe is using.

Maybe there won’t be anything there once she comes back, if she does.

Or perhaps we will start again at a different point. I don’t know. I can’t even decide if I want to go through it all again.

But the thing I do know is that I miss her. Perhaps over the next month or more that reason for that will be revealed. If it is real, then it won’t disappear and the next question will be about her and how she feels.

Something that I have no control over.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Leave the drama and the ego and just have the lessons…

“I don’t want it to end, and so, as every therapist knows, the ego does not want an end to its “problems” because they are part of its identity. If no one will listen to my sad story, I can tell it to myself in my head, over and over, and feel sorry for myself, and so have an identity as someone who is being treated unfairly by life or other people, fate or God. It gives definition to my self-image, makes me into someone, and that is all that matters to the ego.” Eckhart Tolle

The trick is to try and be someone without the drama of the ego. It’s hard!

And there is a minefield of feelings or non-feelings I’m having to navigate right now (as per all you humans!).

I’m getting myself ready to move into my own space again. After 14 years of living with someone else it will be just me and my daughter. I don’t want to care too much about this space, it doesn’t have to be perfect but it does have to be nice enough for it to not be disturbing. A pleasant holding pattern while I do a few other things – like wait for stuff to settle with the property and travel in April to the US and Canada.

I’m calling that trip a pallet cleanser. A kind of end of my previous life and beginning to a new one. Exploring new worlds and getting new information. Clearing out and pushing myself beyond my previous abilities. Meeting new people. I’ve travelled alone before but not somewhere where I’m not staying with a friend. This whole trip will be me navigating everything alone.

That does scare me a little, because I’m going to New York and it’s a big scary place (case in point – more likely to be bitten by a New Yorker than a shark) with a lot of people. And I don’t really like crowds that much, so it’s going to be a test for me.

Then I’m heading into Canada via Montreal, Toronto and Vancouver, and finally back to the US to Sitka, Alaska. I may or may not have a friend there to visit by that time but even so, I’d have come a long way on my own by then!

I’m not sure how I feel about doing the whole thing by myself – it’s always nice to share these things and experiences with someone. But also, when you need to grow and change, I find the best way to do that is to push yourself to do things that scare you (not idiotic things though!!).

In the meantime though, I need to sort myself out to being independent again. I’ve been living with my brother for the last few months, which has been great but also has its own challenges. It’s his space, his house and he’s got his kids here too, so when we are all together it’s a lot for a little house. My daughter and I share the same bed here and all my stuff is pretty much contained to one room. I’m quite conscious that it’s not my space but at the same time, I’m here a lot on my own, which has been wonderful.

I’m looking forward to having some familiar stuff around me again – stuff that is mine. Although having said that, I don’t really want a lot of ‘stuff’. I’m going to try to keep things fairly minimal because I’ll be moving again within the next two years. The plan will be to buy my own place once I’m back from the holiday but I’ll have to save a bit for that.

So lots of good things planned for the following year to next October. My 44th year on this planet. I’m hoping for it to be a bit more joyful and settled than 43. Some birthdays are like that – a bit ‘meh’. I remember 31 was a bit ordinary too. I think I cleaned out the garage or something. Sometimes when these days tick over it makes you realise things or have feelings that you don’t know how to process. It’s not surprising I’m feeling a big flat for this one – the first one after the break-up of my marriage, amoungst other things.

However, I’m moving forward now. Just got paperwork and planning to do, and some of that should be fun so I’m looking forward to it! The next few weeks will be a little tumultuous I expect but then fingers crossed, things settle down.

I imagine I’ll read these things back at some point (when I have time!) and think ‘wow, I’ve come so far!’ but right now it’s still about getting through and moving forward – or pushing forward some days it feels like!

I don’t want to be reliving this story for the ego forever. I want to progress, I want to live beside and beyond my ego and its drama. I want this year to fade into the distance, with only the lessons that have changed me remaining. I want to be different and better. That is the legacy I want to have from this year. Not the ego drama.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring,
A person

I’m not quite sure about happy…

So on a day like today I should feel a lot of joy and happiness.

I mean, it’s my birthday after all.

But I kind of feel a bit melancholy, a little sad, a little numb.

I keep using that word and I don’t know why – numb.

I think it’s a number of things but mostly, for the first time in 15 years I am not celebrating with a partner. I do have my daughter here which is wonderful and there will be family and friends later. I’m looking forward to spending some relaxing time with them, hanging out.

However it’s a very odd feeling and I don’t think I quite know how to process it yet.

I’m sure if I’m still single by next birthday I’ll be much better at it!

The other reason is that there is someone who I care about who is essentially in a black hole. I know she cares about me but at the same time, her life is difficult right now and we can’t contact each other. I’m scared for what might happen to her and I don’t know how I will feel when we finally get to talk again. Let alone how she will feel about me, if at all or if she will be OK.

So all up, it’s not the funnest, happiest birthday I’ve had in 43 years.

However, it WILL be a good day. I will laugh and I’ve already had some beautiful birthday hugs.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring,
A person

Calzona and my controversial opinion

So I just sent this to @shondarhimes because I thought it was important that she hear that it’s not all bad.

Dear Shonda, Lots of people are hating on you right now but I’d like to say thank you. As a woman in a relationship with another woman for 15 years who ended her marriage earlier this year, I appreciate your show (writers & actors) for representing me and my relationship. The joy and the sadness, good and bad.

LGBTI relationships are in fact, just relationships and need be treated no differently to straight ones in media/entertainment/society.

I look forward to Calzona’s next chapter as well as my own. Thank you, Tanya

I know it’s a controversial message right now.

I can hear the collective grieving from my social media accounts and I don’t even have them open. Calzona fans are calling it quits, wailing and crying and generally grieving the loss of their favourite lesbian TV couple.

However, as I said above, they are a couple but they don’t need to be treated in any special way just because they are lesbian.

Is it/was it great to have two hot and talented actors and some amazing writing leading us on the journey of their relationship in prime time? Yes, absolutely it was.

sexy

In fact, I really wasn’t a solid fan of Greys until Dr Arizona Robbins arrived (played by the charming and lovely Jessica Capshaw). Pretty soon after it was all ‘I think you’ll know’ and off we went.

Is it important that lesbians were on TV in primetime and being represented in a relationship with issues like work challenges, babies, car accidents, medical emergencies, loss, issues with their parents and that whole leg incident? Yes, it is. It’s important for the community to see that LGBTI relationships and people are just as great, beautiful, sad, happy and fucked up as all the straight people! But they aren’t the only ones on TV now, and that is important to note.

I’ve no doubt about the genuine hurt that people feel that this couple have been broken up. The fans are passionate about each of them and also together.

But it’s a show in its 11th season and it needs to keep bringing the drama. And frankly, it would be more unrealistic for them to continue to be together than not.

That’s my opinion.

My opinion based on my life experience at nearly 43 years old. I know some of the fangirls are barely out of teenage years, let alone experienced in a number of long term relationships.

And from my experience I can tell you this – relationships (gay, straight, purple) are not perfect. They have drama and they have pain and joy and love and sex and all of those other things. They have two people struggling to become who they are supposed to be in their lives and often they introduce more people in the form of children into the relationship.

To even be together after all that they had been through, Callie and Arizona should be commended. To have tried again after the cheating was especially brave and challenging.

But they did try and so to date, it has not worked out. Because sometimes love is not enough to get past all the pain and the hurt from before. The forgiveness might be there but the forgetting is impossible. The massive challenges they had to face individually and together as a couple would break most much sooner.

fighting

So I am not worried and I am not quitting Greys because Calzona are not a couple. Sure, I’d rather see two hot women getting all passionate in elevators but now I want to see what happens next.

Now I want to see, as in my own life, what they discover about themselves as individuals. Who they might be apart. Who they might next meet and go on a journey with.

In the end, it’s just a TV show. It feels like my own life has been written by Shonda Rhimes this year however, at least I still have both my own legs!

And you know what…it’s episode 11.05. There is no way to predict what is going to happen in their future unless you are Shonda Rhimes.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring,
A person

*All photo credits and rights reserved to the original owners.

On being 43

Life happened.

Nearly 43 years of it. It’s my birthday in a few days and so I’m reflecting on what’s happened since the last birthday and also, further back.

On my 42nd birthday I ran a half marathon. 21.1kms of pushing through mentally and physically. You can read my account here if you like. To say it was harrowing is an understatement. To say that I am utterly proud of myself for doing it is also an understatement. When I’m low, or faced with fears or tasks that seem insurmountable, I remember what I did that day, when I was 42.

That day I was surrounded by family, a wife, my kid, my friends, parents. We had a BBQ on our property which we call The Farm.

This birthday, all of that is gone. The Farm is nearly sold. The 15 year relationship is gone. No more time for me in that space. My child is older and sometimes sadder because her parents aren’t together anymore. My parents are older, surviving the cancer has come at a cost for them and carrying me through these last few months has also been a strain for them.

This year I tried hard to be with my wife but when the mask came away, I realised it was all gone.

This year I tried so hard to be a good person and I don’t know if I’ve succeeded or not.

This year I feel like I have opened up and almost been reborn. The rebirth is not quite complete. There is still a little way to go but I’m getting there.

This year I feel I have survived the terrible and the divine.

I feel as if I have been exposed to so much more than I ever could have been previously, when I was 41.

But things have been changing since I turned 40, so maybe this is all a process that started not last year but then. This year is just the culmination of the choices of the previous 40 years.

I don’t know.

What I do know is that despite the tears and the rollercoaster and the pain, I’m happy. Generally and often in a moment, I am happy now. And it did take a few months to get to that point. However, I am there now.

What will happen by the time I’m 44? I have no idea. I’ve met so many wonderful people this year. Around the world, in my office. No one could have told me how many wonderful, beautiful and kind new people I would meet in the last year.

When I as having my 42nd birthday lunch on the farm, after running my half marathon, you could not have told me that I would become who I am right now. You would not have told me I would not be with my wife when I was 43. That I would have a long distance relationship before I turned 43. That I would live in a room in my brother’s house. That the people at work would support me and I would be challenged to learn more than ever. That I would love my old friends even more for supporting me, that I would lose friends but that I would also gain many more in the process of opening up.

You would not have been able to convince me that despite all the hard emotional times, the crying and the pain and the sleeplessness, that I would be happy. And almost content.

I’m looking forward.

I’m looking forward to this next half of my life, whatever it brings. No doubt there will be more pain and tears but also, joy, love and laughter.

So much new music in my life that means so much. New tattoos and new experiences.

It’s been hard and scary and terrible and sad. I’ve felt guilt and shame and sadness beyond what I’d ever felt before.

But I have survived. And so have all the people in my life. Not all the relationships, but there was always going to be losses. I’m sorry and goodbye to you. Fare well in your lives.

And thank you, dear reader, for coming on this journey with me. Let’s see what new things we can explore together into the future.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

This is a directly indirect post about ‘indirects’ and a pair of aces

So it’s been a long week and I’ve had some losses and some wins. It’s been intense.

One thing I’ve got is people telling me what I can and can’t write.

It’s causing me a lot of conflict because I don’t write to deliberately hurt people or call them out.

If I mention you in here it means that you’ve had an effect on me and I’m discussing how I feel about it. Or you’ve made me think about something and I want to explore it further.

I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to do that. I’m pretty sure I’m free to say X happened and I feel Y. Of course, yes, it is my side of the story but if you’ve read enough of my posts you’ll hopefully see that I don’t shy away from calling myself out.

But I’m getting told by the pair of aces that I can’t talk about them on here or Twitter anymore. I understand how some things that I say about how I feel could be painful and hurt them.

So now I need to go through and sort out what I’m talking about, why I’m talking about it and is it legitimate or is it something else. Is it my ego or my stuff that wants attention? Do I want them to know what I think or feel? I don’t make them read the blog, it’s not like anyone who isn’t intimately connected could identify them.

Frankly if I didn’t have the love for them I have, I wouldn’t discuss them at all. If I don’t care about you then I won’t talk about you.

One of the things I did discuss on Twitter during the week was the whole ‘indirect’ issue. I’ve discussed this here before.

I committed to not indirecting on Twitter because it’s not a good thing to be doing.

And trust me, I had a hard time not doing it this week.

But I tagged the one indirect that was specifically for the pair of aces and after that I went off Twitter for a while. Talked to my friends. Downloaded offline.

I got past my anger to the space of understanding and acceptance. I went on my merry way.

But I still got accused of indirecting.

Which is where I specifically had to explain that most of my tweets, and indeed my blog, is me talking to me. Me reminding myself. Me thinking out loud about what to do, or how I want to be.

Maybe it resonates with someone reading it. Maybe it doesn’t. But just because I said I loved you doesn’t mean that every tweet or retweet about love is about you. Or anger, sadness, respect, lovesick, sex, romance, children, trust, whatever.

If I quote song lyrics of songs we listened to it’s because I like them or they remind me of you. Not attacking you or wanting to hurt you. If I quote song lyrics about love, sex, romance loss, it’s for me. It’s not against you.

How we perceive things is very subjective. We read into it with our own scars and wounds. I’m guilty of doing the same thing – reading something and feeling ‘that is about me’. And sometimes I was right but a lot of times I was wrong.

I’m a very direct person, as most people who know me can attest. You will know where you stand with me.

So if we haven’t discussed something on here that I’m discussing, feel free to call me out on it (and the ace of hearts has done that).

But you can’t say what I can write here.

And here is where the ego comes in.

You see the ego wants to get recognition. My ego. Your ego. The ego wants it to be ‘about me’. Even if it’s bad, it wants something to focus on and get dramatic about. The ego wants to distract you from the moment so you aren’t conscious.

So even though I’m sick of second guessing my tweets and what I write here, I still will.

I’ll be asking myself is this something my ego wants to get across, or is this something genuine? Is this self-analysis or is the ego wanting to cause drama?

I’ll still get in trouble for this post but seriously, what can I do? I promise if you don’t make me think or feel anything about you then I won’t write about you. However I’m guessing as much as my ego is loving that statement, to be honest yours is not that pleased.

So at some point someone has to disengage and I hope it’s me because, my darling pair of 2014 aces, the year is closing fast on us all.

And I’m not taking this into 2015.

At some point in the future we will all realise what happened and be grateful for the lessons, although I’m trying to do that now. However, I’ve written about realisations from the past 20 years and I can’t guarantee I won’t have more in the next five or ten that won’t be prompted by my experiences in relationships and things that happened from this year.

I’m sorry things are painful for you.

I’m sorry we hurt each other. I’m sorry we hurt each other, with each other.

Most of all, I’m sorry I hurt you.

And that is a direct from me to you.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Gosh I swear a lot inside my mind…thoughts from this week

So this week I was thinking….

  • Are you fucking kidding me?
  • Fuck you
  • Bahahahaha that is funny!
  • That is unfucking believable.
  • I can’t believe I just did that.
  • Oh, I must be fertile today
  • God dammit
  • Well, now you are dead to me.
  • Well geez, do you have an indicator?
  • OMG Jcap is so hot
  • I really need sex
  • I never want to love again
  • To unfollow or just mute.
  • I so don’t want any women until next year
  • Sex thoughts about fucking a random hot blonde
  • I really miss Lost Girl, when the hell is that starting again…
  • Screw you
  • Meh, Lana doesn’t look as sexy in this episode. I hate that vest thing.
  • Get out of the fucking way
  • Well she would have muted me anyway.
  • Oh wow, look at that rainbow! That is so awesome.
  • I cannot fucking believe that
  • Oh my heart
  • Seriously?
  • Fuck my life
  • Seriously brangelina are not having issues, what a crock of shit
  • I’m sure I deserved better than that but wow, shit
  • Unfucking believable
  • I hate you all
  • I can’t even hate them
  • I wonder if it was because she realised what I actually looked like.
  • Why
  • I need chocolate
  • I’m so full
  • I need a cup of tea
  • Oh fuck it’s going to cost me 2500 bucks
  • Fuck
  • This week, I swear
  • Can I not cry, please just not cry
  • Are you really going to give a cuddle?
  • Thank god for my brother
  • How the hell am I going to get from there to that appointment
  • God I hate the AAMI la la las
  • No
  • Damn phone battery
  • I cannot believe you just said that
  • No I am not kidding
  • People are so nice to me
  • Gosh I’m lucky
  • This is the nicest cuddle I’ve had for a while
  • Well, that’s better than 2500 dollars
  • That was unbelievable
  • I can’t believe she did that again
  • Wow, that was so disrespectful
  • God I’m hungry
  • Ugh, please stop asking me questions
  • Shit, that isn’t going to come off
  • Damn it, fucking shirt again
  • Actually I think I’m going to change them to the pair of aces
  • You are not a victim here
  • Ugh
  • Fucking unbelievable
  • I don’t know the answer to that
  • Are you serious?
  • Nawwww look how cute those lambies look cuddled up to their mums!
  • Fucking road works
  • Man, can you do the speed limit
  • Omfg Angelina
  • Ace of clubs, will clubs be OK?
  • I wish I didn’t have training tomorrow
  • Damn
  • I just want sleep
  • I can’t cry now
  • This morning
  • Oh wow, she’s kinda hot
  • Ace of hearts, yeah that is her
  • Shit I really need to go to the toilet
  • Are we ever going to agree on this
  • Hmmm, this hot chocolate is good
  • Don’t ever threaten my kid
  • Are you kidding?
  • You said that?
  • I’m so sad
  • Actually I feel quite strong
  • I really want my blanket
  • Do I have to get up
  • Nope nope nope
  • Ashleigh was right
  • I really should go to bed
  • Ugh fucking 1.27am
  • Please don’t talk to me
  • I can’t talk to you right now
  • I never want to talk to you again
  • You are unbelievable
  • Maybe I should quit twitter
  • Far out not indirecting is hard
  • Ugh fucking headache
  • Why is it so important to say how much I’m over you
  • Please stop talking
  • No I really don’t want more work to do
  • Do I have to?
  • it’s whatever baby
  • A shower will help
  • No I can’t write that
  • Can I afford that
  • Well you made it easy for me this time baby
  • How much money do I have
  • Darling, you really need to get over her
  • I hope London is up because this is unbelievable
  • Ugh why me
  • I really want to write but it’s just all shit
  • Can’t be negative
  • Such disrespect

So if you made it to the end of all that, good for you!

But if you just scrolled down, I can distil all of it down to this:

  • I had a rollercoaster week.
  • I renamed the pair of exes the pair of aces.
  • Make assumptions about what thought is about who, but you’ll probably be wrong on most counts.
  • Thoughts are random.
  • I bingled my hire car and it cost me my excess.
  • I’m over the ace of clubs.
  • I got a really nice hug from a kind person.
  • I struggled with anger, sadness and negativity.
  • Social media and indirects go hand in hand, so best to get off there if you are tempted or have friends that will receive them for you.
  • My online friends are awesome.
  • Oh, my! I have a real potty mouth in my head – and no, I don’t swear quite that much when I talk!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

You got me today, but tomorrow is all mine

Tonight I feel like I’ve been pushed through a sieve, because I was ‘under attack’ from two different sides. It’s been a rollercoaster ride this last 24 hours, let me tell you!

However, I feel almost strong now, so soon after it all. I feel like the close to this year is coming, like the pain is near an end. Oh don’t worry, I’m sure there is a little more to spare but despite the day, I feel almost born anew.

And I can’t really say why.

The first was a surprise departure of someone who I loved and trusted. Very disrespectfully.

The second was the draining and ongoing settlement process from my marriage.

I’m not going to labour over either here tonight.

Perhaps it is the lack of food after an afternoon of extreme emotion. I certainly could use a drink or two!

Perhaps it is that I am indeed changing, despite what others say. That I am moving forward, that the lessons are being incorporated. That I am learning to be who I am mean to be.

I am grateful for the lessons that I learned from these pair today but I’m happy to bring those lessons to a close. I’m hopeful that soon, I will be able to do that with my separation negotiations. And then I’m done. I’m free of all these hurts.

Tonight I feel strong letting the blood flow freely from my wounds.

Tomorrow, I will wake and be better.

You had today, with your lessons and your emotion. But tomorrow is mine. All mine.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

In the face of adversity…

But what does the face of adversity look like?

I’d like to give thanks today for all those who push through, pull through, scrape through, triumph or otherwise get past adversity. Those who I am blessed or have been blessed to know, who have said ‘In your face, adversity!’, with either a shout or a whisper.

To the man I know who faced abuse and peril daily in his job, endured autopsies of children the same age as his own, who fought cancer and won.

To the woman I know who broke her ankle right before her wedding and has since been hospitalised twice for blood clots, was injected with blood thinning drugs every day she was pregnant, after losing her mother to breast cancer, and recently recovered from a car accident.

To the person I know who fights every day to get out of bed because of pain in joints and heart, who made it through an agonising four surgeries on an arm infection deep inside.

To the friend I know who has children who could die at any minute from a mistake someone makes with food, who balances her own health issues.

To the one who battles a mentally ill parent while fighting to rise above the cultural circumstances she finds herself in, leaving gangs and guns behind.

These are some of the people I know who face or have faced real adversity.

To those people who attempt to cross the sea to better lands, safer lands.

To those jailed for being the ‘wrong’ sexual orientation, religious affiliation or race.

To children who live in unsafe places, be it because of violence, sexual abuse or neglect.

To those who struggle to live every day with disability in a society that is for able bodied people.

To those who watch helpless as their country is torn apart, their children slaughtered, their peace completely and utterly shattered.

I could go on but I won’t. Because they wouldn’t. The people that I know, and plenty that I don’t, get up every day and go through their lives with courage and conviction.

Hopefully they don’t have to fight every day, for all their lives. Hopefully their adversity is short.

For some, it seems that adversity has put a target on their back and they overcome one hurdle just to face another almost immediately.

To those I know, and to those I don’t, I honour your fight. I admire your tenacity. I respect your brokenness and willingness to try to rise above it.

I’m telling you now, if I’d been through half the things that one person I know has been through, I wouldn’t be here. I don’t have the heart for it.

But there’s the thing. These wonderful, imperfect fighters inspire me. They inspire me to push through my own adversity, when it occurs. But it never seems to be as bad once I remember theirs.

I suppose it wouldn’t do for us all to have to battle so hard, so much, for so long. For if we all had such tough battles all the time, who would be the one to help? Who would be the one to listen, or to stand still and be there when they came back?

Who would be the lighthouse?

Whatever your adversity, it is real and it is yours. You can own it and be proud to overcome it.

Just remember though, that there are many, many others fighting battles that may be harder than yours. Sometimes all we need is a little perspective on our own hardships to realise that our struggle is not as bad as it could be.

Maybe not though. Maybe yours is impossible. Maybe you don’t know how you are going to get through the next hour, the next day.

I’m telling you and please believe me even though it sometimes seems untrue, that someone out there is your lighthouse and they will help you through. Even if all they can do is stand there and shine the light for you.

I am honoured and grateful to know you all. I am a lighthouse, I will be here when you return. I will support you through your battles. I will shine the light for you to come home.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person