So I’ve written a lot about the ex but it occurred to me that I haven’t written about the start. 15 years ago, when we finally found each other.
I was not looking for anyone at that point. I had just made peace with my love life – I’d been loved and I’d loved. I was truly peaceful in that moment of clarity that all was good in my life. That I was OK because I had been blessed with love, both giving and receiving.
To that point I’d had a series of short term flings for three years, including the Detective I’ve written about previously, post the break-up of my first marriage.
Yes that’s right. I have a first wife. Surprise!! My first girlfriend – and how lesbian of us – we met (on a bus!), went out, moved in, got married, got cats, bought a house. Then we broke up. That break up was a completely different story…not today’s story!
So anyway, peaceful me was happily being single – finally – and then bam! I met this woman.
I’d met her before but there weren’t any sparks at that point and to be fair, because I was so blissful in my ‘I’m OK’ state, I didn’t really consider her in the girlfriend way even then. She was just a person I was hanging out with in a group of women, putting together a newsletter.
Within a month that changed. After her not so subtle (but totally subtle) efforts to say ‘Erm hey, I wanna do more than just write articles with you’ finally worked.
It was like a revelation. I was star struck. Her eyes, her lips, her laugh, her smile, her kindness. She was the one who remembered the soy milk for the lactose intolerant person in the group. Before it was actually trendy to do that. She was strong and independent and confident.
Our third date was watching ‘Destry rides again’ because we both enjoyed watching old Hollywood movies.
The chemistry between us, once unleashed, was volcanic. Even when we spent the first three weeks of our relationship sick because we couldn’t stop seeing each other – the cold that keeps getting shared back and forth because you just can’t NOT at least kiss a little…
The magic of meeting someone who you have this amazing chemical reaction to, this amazing and beautiful beginning, this complete connection too…it’s completely addictive. No wonder humans keep wanting to do it!
Of course all of this explosive energy can’t last forever. It matured and deepened into a beautiful love.
So what happened? At some point we lost each other. At some point we drifted too far apart to come back to each other. At some point we stopped watching old Hollywood movies. At some point we shut down, so the connection was lost.
It happens. Life happens. Relationships are challenging. Two people need to be nurtured. Two minds, hearts, bodies, experiences need to meet, to ebb and flow, to swing gently one way and then the other.
And I guess at some point I just felt there was no swinging my way anymore. Was that fair? Was that right? Well no point making those judgments because regardless of any of that, it was how I felt. It’s like when someone says ‘I didn’t mean to hurt you’. Well no doubt they didn’t but you are hurting regardless, aren’t you?
So now, while we still maneuver around the material spoils of 15 years, the non-material blessings are easily counted for me.
The love, that rare explosive connection.
The child we have between us, shared now forever.
The support and encouragement we gave to each other.
The fights, the sex, the debates, the laughs, the jokes, the singing.
All of these things made us who we are today.
For 15 years we shared a journey together that I can never regret, no matter how hard or hurtful or terrible this last bit is.
And even though it’s now ended, those 15 years have shaped me and I’m grateful for them. I’m grateful for her part in my life.
So I hope that one day I will have again this feeling with someone who stands in front of me. Someone who also has this feeling for me. But if I don’t, I’ve still had this beautiful long term love and that is OK. Everyone will be OK.
So here is to believing in the magic…
Eventually someone sees us for the magic inside us, and we see theirs too. We just have to be open for them to see it!
Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring