Panic at the (long distance) disco

So a couple of people that I talk to in this wonderful Twitter world that have crept over into the real one, have spoken to me about an issue they have had with their long distance relationship.

It’s one I also experienced with the little bird.

And that is, when the other person disappears.

From the screen. From social media. From seemingly the world.

It’s radio silence. It’s blank screen. It’s no notifications. It’s no tweets. No posts.

Nothing…

And here you are, often on the other side of the world, in a different time zone, a different continent. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Hours seem like days.

What has happened? Where are they? Are they OK?

Wait, are they shitty with me? What did we say last?

And you check and recheck everything that you said and you can’t imagine that you’ve said anything particularly offensive.

You get cranky.

Like, WTF? Is it not that hard to send a 6 second voice message or a 15 second text to say you are OK?

You start thinking, what if they met someone else?

What if they had a car crash?

What if… x 37429821934297.

The longer the time in silence, the more this cycle happens. Over and over.

Eventually I (and I can’t speak for the others but probably) just want to know that the person that I loved on the other side of the world was actually OK. Alive. The rest could be worked out later.

I wasn’t alone in these ministrations. My friends were similarly perplexed, distressed, angry, hurt, confused, worried.

Relationships.

Never in any other circumstance are they more about clear communication than a long distance one. And the channel/medium of long distance is counter intuitive to good communication because a lot of it is written.

There are side tracks. Typos. Disruptions. Dead batteries. Internet drop outs. And that’s just when everything is going well!

Radio silence is a cruel torture, even if it’s not deliberate. It’s worse if you’ve recently fought or things are a little shaky.

Eventually my friends rediscovered their errant partners. Sleep, dead phones, no internet. All is well and everything restarts.

However, what is the backup plan if something really does happen? Is there someone else there on the ground who is going to let you know about the car crash? Or the sudden illness? Or more terribly, the death? Just because you’ve loved them for months or longer, know them, had sex with them, fought with them, laughed with them, been in a relationship with them, spoken to them every day, doesn’t mean that anyone in their real life is going to think of you if something bad happens. You’ll just be sitting on the other side of the world not knowing.

Even worse is if people do know about your relationship but don’t approve. Or don’t believe in its value, and therefore you aren’t given a second thought.

YOU MAY NEVER KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

This is the curse of relationships over distance.

I read an ‘8 tips for long distance relationships’ article that I didn’t repost because it never mentioned once what to do in this situation. Didn’t even acknowledge it, but clearly it’s common.

So if you are going to chance your trust and love on someone over the internet (and that’s after you’ve established that you are not being catfished), then trust that person needs to know if something happens to you. Trust that person needs proper communication, even if it is, ‘we are done’ or ‘I’m home but I’m going to sleep’.

Entrust a friend with how to contact that special long distance person should anything untoward happen to you.

In the meantime, if you are the one waiting, I can only commiserate with you because it is frustrating as hell – nothing is more frustrating – not knowing what is going on.

Try some star jumps. Or vodka.

Wishing you all the happiness (and patience) the Universe can bring
A person

 

 

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When you stuff up, are you sorry enough?

Or really I want to say fuck up…

When you fuck up and hurt someone and it’s all your fault.

And you say sorry but it’s not quite good enough just to say sorry. You have to make amends.

You are hurting too. You are hurting because you hurt the other person. And it sucks so much because everyone is in pain and no one wants to move on.

Maybe you or they can’t move on. Maybe the damage is too great.

Or maybe you can but as the one who did the damage, it’s really hard to come out and be the bigger person. It’s scary because you might get rejected. It’s painful because you are kicking your own arse. You are punishing yourself.

The other person may or may not be punishing you too, but hey, you’ve fucked up so to a degree you have to just suck that up.

It doesn’t mean they don’t forgive you. It doesn’t mean you don’t forgive yourself.

Sometimes these repairs, these heart tears, they take time to heal.

But this whole thing about sorry not being enough…

I don’t know. If you’ve said that you are sorry and you are genuine and you’ve made amends, at what point does the other person bring you back in? At what point does it move from them being hurt to them refusing to let go and punish you?

There is a quote that’s being going around – it’s been thrown at me as well – about a broken plate and sorry.

Grab a plate and throw it on the floor.

Okay,done 

Say sorry to it.

Sorry.

 Did it go back to how it was before?

No.

Do you understand?

So on the surface this looks fairly reasonable. You broke something, you say sorry, it doesn’t make anything change from it being broken.

So just saying sorry doesn’t fix it. Fair enough.

But here’s the thing. A plate is an inanimate object. It cares not if it is broken or whole. It will plate away forever in whatever form.

Meanwhile, relating it to humans in relationships is basically saying – you did me wrong, I’m never going to be the same, you say sorry, I don’t change, I’m incapable of putting myself back together.

However, we do change. As humans we have a great capacity to change, to grow, to love, to forgive, to hurt, to be kind.

And you know what? Maybe you’re not supposed to be the same anymore. Maybe you needed that break to get a wake up call. Maybe you were being too brittle, or sensitive, or ridiculous, or bitchy. Maybe you needed a dose of your own medicine. Maybe you didn’t either, maybe the person who hurt you is an asshole jerkface.

My point is, you are not an inanimate object that can’t choose to be unbroken. You are a human with the capacity to take the break and move forward. You can chose to use that break to rebuild yourself and be better.

Here is the full quote, although it uses a glass instead:

full quote

You’ll note that it also goes on to say that leaving won’t fix it either.

‘Can anything make it the way it was before?’

The answer is no. But we aren’t meant to stay the same as humans. We move, we evolve, we have the capacity.

We aren’t plates or glasses that break and can’t function as they were – which by the way, who says a broken plate is less beautiful than a full one? Who says function has to stay the same? Broken plates become mosaics, art, and archaeology dig finds. I don’t see archaeologists complaining about finding a broken plate, do you?

Perspective. It’s an interesting thing.

So this is what I’m doing now. If I’ve fucked up, I’m gonna put on my big girl pants and say sorry. And mean it. And if the hurt needs more than just a genuine sorry, then I’ll make amends, whatever that is.

But I’m not going to take on the hurt from someone who refuses to move on, who acts like a plate that cannot be put back together. I’m not taking that on because that isn’t my lesson. That is theirs.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

If you wanna be with me…

OK, so the thing is, whoever it shall be, will get me. All of me. And I’ve said before, I’ll want all of you.

I’m not a sharer. If you want to be shared, don’t come back to me. Because I won’t ever go out on you. I won’t betray you.

I might hurt you or disappoint you or any number of other things.

I’m not perfect. Goodness knows, just ask my ex wife.

But if I say I’m yours, then I’m all yours and if you say your mine I’ll expect you to be mine.

That’s just how I roll. Maybe it’s because I’m a Scorpio. Or maybe it’s my upbringing.

Maybe I’m just a prude…who knows.

And it’s not a part of me that I think needs working on or out. Within the relationship I have plenty of things to learn and practice and give.

But I’m not a player. Once I’ve chosen you, and you’ve chosen me, that’s it.

So it’s all good if you want to play. I don’t judge you. You just don’t get to play with me anymore.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Suicide is not an option for me

So I want to say something serious here.

I am not suicidal.

Nor do I approve of suicide.

If you feel that you have no option, then that is your choice but as bad as it gets, you will walk out of the shit eventually. YOU WILL.

In the meantime get some help. Get some support. Get some medication.

I’ve experienced someone close to me committing suicide.

It was the worst loss ever. The people left behind are bewildered, shattered, saddened, angry. There is no closure. There is always the question, why? Why didn’t they just talk to me? Why didn’t I see it? Why couldn’t I stop it?

In the end you have to let go of all that but it is hard. With my person, he had always been such a beautiful, giving person. However he had a lot of pain both physically and emotionally. He clearly felt there were no options for him.

But if I’d have one last conversation with him I’d tell him not to give up. To just keep slowly going forward. I’d acknowledge his pain and suffering and help him as best as I could. I know his brother did this as much as he could.

It doesn’t mean it would have worked. In fact it mightn’t have meant anything to him but it might have made me feel better. Selfishly.

Don’t every commit suicide because you think it’s going to make it better for others. It won’t.

It won’t make them think any better or probably, any less of you either. He was a flawed human being, like all of us. He was beautiful but he had his faults. I’m still mad at him for leaving. Still mad.

So if you are feeling like you are so sad or unhappy or unnoticed that suicide is the only option, that is when you need to get help. Tell someone who can help you. Tell a doctor. Tell your friends or family who will listen. And allow others to help you through this time.

What you never, ever do, is encourage someone who is sad or unhappy or god forbid, suicidal, to enter into a pact with you to kill themselves. Don’t ever do that. LIKE EVER.

Wishing you all the happiness that the Universe can bring
A person 

 

 

Tea and sympathy…

Or more like, encouragement and sympathy.

Today on Twitter I saw that someone else was having a hard time. When you put something like that on Twitter, a part of you, maybe even a big part, wants someone, somewhere to acknowledge your pain. Acknowledge you.

So I sent this person some kind words of encouragement.

She wrote back and was genuinely thankful.

I’m often like that myself, when I tweet something about how messed up my life is and someone responds. Ultimately, I want someone to recognise that I’m hurting. I don’t necessarily want a big fuss made. But gosh it’s nice when someone, somewhere notices me.

One of my comments was that when you are going through a tough time, you need both sympathy and encouragement.

Sympathy from everyone and anyone, friends and family, for what you are going through. It doesn’t matter what the tough time is. It might be massive or trivial to others but the point is, it’s hurting you right now. So you need some comfort for your pain and suffering.

You also need encouragement. For me, this often comes in the anonymous form of Twitter or Facebook people posting quotes that speak to me. I can then repost and feel like I took those words and I also spread them. Sometimes though, it’s nice to get some personal encouragement as well. Someone reaching out and saying ‘hey, I know it’s all shit now, but keep moving forward and you will get there.’

Because sometimes it seems all too overwhelming. Sometimes it seems like it’s going to be impossible to get there.

However, someone, somewhere, knows what you are going through. They are hurting or they have hurt, suffered or been sad like you are right now. They have been through it and they know. They may never have met you, in real life or online, but they have a great capacity to raise you up, even just a little bit.

So that’s what I try to do, when I can. I can’t always because sometimes, as you would have read on this blog (maybe!), I just don’t have the capacity to give. But when I do give, and when I push through some of those feelings to give to others a small gesture of support and encouragement, it does lighten me.

I know what I say is true. It is hard but it will get better. I know in my heart this will be true. I believe all people know this in their hearts to be true. Sometimes though, those hearts need a little extra help to be heard.

So if you see me, or someone else, reaching out because they are a sad or upset, and you note that no one has reached out to them, maybe it’s your turn. Maybe it’s time for you to give someone that encouragement and support.

Maybe you are the strong one this time.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

 

Yes, I did it…

So I wanted to do a post about masturbation.

And then I went, oooh, that might be a bit revealing, a bit too in your face…(not literally, that wouldn’t be masturbating would it?!)

And then I thought fuck it (OK, again not literally), I’ve probably already written something about it before (maybe, let’s face it, I didn’t check). I definitely have written about sex in the past so it’s not a new topic for this person’s blog.

Meanwhile, as a woman, I’m not supposed to admit that I masturbate. Like I literally just did about 30 minutes ago.

And now I feel great!

I will never get why other women tell me they don’t masturbate. They don’t like to touch themselves. They like other people to touch them, but they don’t like to touch themselves. I’m not judging but I just think, DAMN GIRL that is a crying shame! Why would you deny yourself pleasure like that?

Sure, I’d prefer someone else to bring me to orgasm (oh my, how formal), make me cum (GOD I FUCKING HATE IT WRITTEN LIKE THAT! Like my grammar nazi just goes internally berserk when I read it but you know, if you’re having a moment you push past that), touch me, bring me the ‘little death’ as it’s called.

But let’s face it, right now that is not an option and if I’m waiting for someone else to bring me pleasure it’s gonna be a while. Did I mention on previous posts that I am rather impatient?

So afterwards, when I was feeling quite good after the (I don’t know how many, double figures at least) multiple orgasms, I realised I hadn’t actually done that for two weeks, for various reasons. Like being hit with the killer flu. Or just feeling shitty and sad, which tends to be a mood killer for sexy night feelings either together or alone.

Which then got me thinking…

Maybe I should be scheduling a date night with myself once a week. Get some stress relief. Make myself very, very, very fucking happy for 37 seconds on multiple occasions (OK, 37 is probably just the first one, the rest are a bit shorter but still awesome).

So I’m going to try it. Date night, person style. Because right now in a relationship, I’m probably only capable of the sex part. And unfortunately I get the feels for people I have sex with. So not a good idea, casual sex, for me. Yes, I did try it once, before I was married. I was totally up front with the woman, she was totally cool with it. In the morning she said, ‘maybe we should do this again’ from her car window. I said, ‘No. That was the whole point.’ She wasn’t all that thrilled with that answer. Go figure!

Anyway, I completely recommend, if you can manage it, Googling a little porn and getting off on a regular basis because the human brain can only take so much sadness, and pure pleasure from your own body is 100% free of everything. Well, if you want to buy toys fair enough, but you don’t have to.

Wishing you all the happiness and orgasms the Universe can bring
A person

Being clear does not mean being happy

Clarity does not necessarily make things any easier.

Decisions, while clear of heart and mind, don’t mean that they are any simpler to execute.

Being certain about the way forward does not make that way less difficult.

And so it is that life choices we make every day, even if you are sure they are right, won’t necessarily end up making you happy in the short term. Maybe even the middle term. Or ever.

It’s hard to imagine feeling free of all these choices, decisions and pathways forward right now. It’s hard to imagine the clearing of the fog to bright sunlight. Or feeling carefree.

I know I will be carefree again.

I know that eventually all these hard choices that I’ve made, with clarity and certainty, will stop hurting. They will stop injuring me. They will stop hurting the people I love. In the meantime, this is how I feel:

It’s like I’m in a war zone. My knees have been shot out and so I’m so wounded I can’t even stand. I feel so shattered that I can barely move forward from this and my other injuries. In the meantime, I have to protect my daughter while also attempting to avoid bombs from overhead.

And that is the now, not even the future where I get to work towards incorporating lessons and decisions to create the person I’m meant to be in the second phase of my life. At the moment, it is all about survival.

I know the darkness will lift and I’ll be happy again. It’s just hard right now.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

 

 

The branch feels empty

So I’ve previously spoken about a distance relationship and also the ending of it.

I’ve written this blog about ten times in my head but it’s still gonna be different tonight, so excuse it if it is more of a stream of consciousness than a beginning, middle and end.

When you get an ‘OK, whateva’ you know you are done.

That’s fine.

OK, probably not really that fine. What can I say? I miss the little bird.

It was always a little complicated. Age difference was large. Distance was great, crossing time zones. Completely different race and culture.

However, somehow we still managed to stay together through a number of, well let’s say ‘interesting’ events, for longer than quite a number of celebrity marriages. Drew Barrymore, I’m looking at you!

I’ve previously talked about the gifts the little bird gave me. I’m not sure what I gave her but I don’t get to control that, so I have to let it go.

And so it is, at the end as well as the way through, patience and letting go. Patience and letting go.

The distance means that we’re all over social media together.

Which means when her friends post her photo for woman crush Wednesday on my time line, it’s kind of jarring for me. And I imagine that she’s not that fussed about my prodigious tweeting either. But with the time zones, a lot of the time we are going to miss each other’s social media interactions, so I suppose what was a curse is now a bit more of a blessing.

It’s going to take some getting used to not seeing her name on my phone. It’s going to take some getting used to not having one of those little red dots be her as a notification.

However, as with all things, I’ll take the lessons and move on.

I was pretty miserable for a number of reasons this morning. Along with the little bird flying away I’m also dealing with custody and property issues with my ex wife. My job is being reviewed and anyway, how much money am I gonna end up with after my ex gets through with me?

My future is uncertain, the ground is shaking and liquefying underneath me. And so it was with the little bird as well – complications and traumas in her life, big life decisions, distracting and detracting.

In the end, I think it was the rest of our challenging lives that delivered the blows to the branch. Neither of us could see past our own issues and be there for the other person. We fought a few days before we split up and it was just us being angry, upset and sad about the other things happening in our live,s and the other people causing us trauma. It was secondary anger that we bought to each other – we who had not done any of those things to the other.

This is a great lesson and going to have to think about how I can apply it in the future.

I’m going to have to think about it because I don’t want to make the same mistakes with the next person.

Meanwhile, I can recommend the viability and beauty of virtual hugs.

And while I was terribly sad and angry this morning, I’m a lot happier now.

It’s all about the rollercoaster. It goes up, it goes down. I tweeted that I wished I would stop adding carriages to my rollercoaster and I do. I wish I could just wake up in six months time and have this all sorted.

My freshly wounded heart would be healed. I’d be well on the way to my overseas trip. My financial and job issues would have been resolved one way or the other.

But alas, like everyone else here I’m going to have to keep going, step by step through this mess. The only good thing is that there will be plenty of blessings and lessons on the way. Plenty of people who love me and will help me through. Plenty of sunny days and funny nights.

So walk on.

“Had I known that the heart breaks slowly, dismantling itself into unrecognizable plots of misery… had I known yet I would have loved you, your brash and insolent beauty, your heavy comedic face and knowledge of sweet delights, but from a distance I would have left you whole and wholly for the delectation of those who wanted more and cared less.”
Maya Angelou

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

 

 

 

What is it that you want?

Do you know?

Do I know?

Do I know what I really want in a job? A relationship? A life?

Am I so bogged down with the endless sea of stress right now that I no longer know why I made the choices that I made?

I don’t regret the choices, but can I still see the dream I wanted to achieve, or attempt to?

Well yes, I can. I want to write. I want to write stories and films and TV.

So yes, I remember what it is but it’s kinda hard to get through because I appear to be currently stuck in the quicksand of the rest of my life.

I’ve got lots of stories. I’m looking forward to writing them. Someday.

In the meantime I’m still working through the consequences of all my choices.

It’s hard to be creative when you are on the bottom of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. However, I’m still experiencing life, people and relationships.

Relationships… What do I want?

Someone smart, someone strong, someone funny, someone kind. Someone who is there for me. Someone, whether distance or not, is going to make time for me. Is going to listen when I tell them how I feel and know that me telling them those things is actually a big step for me. Who will talk to me and allow me to support them. I’m actually quite practiced at that bit, I’ve been doing it for a while! Someone who will work through each thing that comes up because that is what relationships are about, in my opinion. Someone who will tell me to pull my head in if I need to.

I am going to treat my girlfriend like a queen but I do expect the same in return. I want all of that person. I’m an all or nothing woman. I want all of you and I’m going to give you all of me in return. That might be a bit much for some people. I understand. I’m not for everyone. I’m intense and demanding. I’m emotional.  

But don’t worry, I won’t be all that straight away! In fact, you’ll probably have to chase me because I probably won’t believe that you could possibly like me.

In the meantime, I would like a life where I have a house where I can live peacefully with my child fifty per cent of the time. I want a job that isn’t under threat, which mine is and who knows when that situation will finish?

I want to travel, and I will. I’m in early planning now and I’m looking forward to it. Next year, Alaska, Canada and New York!

Because despite all the hard stuff that I’m going through, and it does seem endless and inescapable right now, I have very many things to be so grateful for. I do have a safe place for my daughter and I to stay. I do still currently have a job where many in Australia have lost theirs. I have a loving family and friends who are supporting me through this difficult period of time, where everything in my life is upside down.

So while the quicksand seems hard right now, it will disappear. In the meantime, my aim is to stay positive.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

 

 

 

 

40 is the new everything

So my brother turned 40 this week and it reminded me of when I turned 40.

Somehow I felt different when I turned 40. I had a big party with all my friends and I danced under the stars to Titanium (Guetta/Sia).

I don’t know why I felt different. Perhaps it was all that indoctrination that ‘life begins at 40’?

I felt able to do things that I hadn’t done before, simply because I was now 40.

It was like I didn’t have to care about what other people thought. and that included me. I didn’t need to be so hard on myself. I didn’t need to restrict myself to some sort of way of being.

That was nearly three years ago and of course, a lot of things have changed – every year since then big changes have happened. I started running, which I’d never done before in my life and on my 42nd birthday I ran a half marathon. I lost a pack of weight. I put it back on again. I got a promotion. I went overseas on a cruise with my family. I split up my relationship.

I’m not sure what is going to happen next but I know that I have not learned so much about myself as I have in the last few years for probably the previous ten. And I did learn a lot in my 30s as well!

So to my brother, I hope you relax into your own self and your own wisdom now you are 40. You are a good man.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person