A short note on trust

 quotes-on-trust

So I’m sitting at home thinking, as I often do, about the people in my life and what they might be teaching me.

What is my behaviour saying about my ‘stuff’, what does my reaction to what is happening mean?

Right now I’m having to evaluate a trust issue.

I’m having to evaluate it not because the person is doing anything really different, but because maybe it’s time I looked at why I’m so happy to trust this person when maybe, just maybe, there is a part of me saying ‘lady, this could be a very bad idea’.

Now part of this is because the situation is new the trust part is having to be built, but I’m generally fairly generous at this point.

However, if I step back from that stuff, I might ask myself – If you know this person is like they are, why are you so willing to trust? Is there something else going on?

And I’m wondering if that something else is that I’m looking for punishment. Not the whips and handcuffs type (although maybe that would help, I don’t know) but because I hurt my ex so much when I split us up.

I still feel pain and guilt about that. Not enough to make amends to her specifically, but perhaps I feel, sub consciously, a little self flagellation might assuage that.

So how do I change this? I don’t know. Do I want to change it? I don’t know. Take the pain, take the medicine that I’m self administering by trusting the wrong person? I don’t know.

Or maybe I don’t trust them and there is something else about that, that has nothing to do with punishing myself. Maybe I’m not trusting myself. Or the process.

I don’t know. I only know that trust is the key word and I’m still working on how it fits into the lock of this lesson.

Which is why I really like this quote, because for me, it’s a win/win scenario.

Trust-quotes-1

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

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Going back to the future

So I had to move out of my long term home and I’m very grateful for my brother’s love and his spare room this weekend! This will be my place for a little while until other things are sorted financially but it is safe, warm and wonderful.

Meanwhile, the weekend was obviously very difficult. Having to leave so suddenly was challenging physically and emotionally. However, my ex getting me to leave will prove to be a positive action and I’m determined to see it that way.

But what I’d really like to talk about today is going back to the start of the relationship game.

Back when you had no fucking idea and someone, somehow, formed your ideas about what to do and how to act in relationships. The permissions, the questions and the frustration. The excitement of getting to know not only someone new, but how you might be in a relationship.

  • How you want to be
  • What you want in the relationship
  • Who you want to be with
  • Where you are comfortable – spaces emotionally and physically.

I’ve realised that the Universe may have teamed me up with someone new who is so cataclysmically different to me, yet who is the perfect teacher in this area. Because it’s all relatively new, this relationship stuff, to her and so vicariously I get to revisit my own ideas about relationships through our interactions.

I only realised this over the weekend, as my old relationship took a difficult turn. It dawned on me as I was trying to explain how I felt and what I needed to this new person that she is teaching me how to do this relationship stuff again. This time, I have more knowledge, so many lessons to look back on and one of the things I realised was to get what I need, I have to actually tell people what that is. I’ve not been particularly good at that, which has caused a number of problems when I didn’t get what I wanted!

When you don’t say what you want and you expect the other person to just know, you set yourself up for an uneven experience. At best they might sometimes get it right, if they are experienced and intuitive enough. At worst the response will be either nothing or something completely inappropriate that is likely to piss you off and/or breed resentment. After all, you are doing everything they want, aren’t you?! Or are you?

Or maybe you could ask how they want to be dealt with in this instance. Just because you’ve got lots of experience doesn’t mean you know what this other person wants either!

So onward towards whatever new lessons are to be learned. I look forward to it all as a new phase starts for me. I’m going back to the future on a rollercoaster! Strap in!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

 

I don’t even know what’s happening next, but thank you!

So, wow, I don’t even know how to process the latest happenings, but let’s just say I now have no permanent address.

The last few days have been a blur of trying to deal with a range of emotions. Anger, disbelief, frustration.

However, in al that, despite the inconvenience of having to resettle, I’m trying to be positive about it. It’s probably a good thing that I’ve been forced into this new, next phase. It’s probably time for me to stop floating along.

So now to make solid plans.

Travel. Moving somewhere with my daughter. Getting on with work.

Solid things to focus on for the future.

In the meantime, until we sell our properties I’ll be hanging with my family, whose support I’m so grateful for. I don’t know what I would do without them.

Also friends, new and old, here and online. I’m grateful and blessed by all of your love and care.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Today’s insight

So here is today’s insight. Oh the lessons happened and that was really fucked up (read here if you want). But while I was making my bed I had a sudden realisation.

Let’s not mention that when you have lessons and you make peace with them, doing housework is an awesome way of clearing your head enough for the insight to come through…Or walking down the street to get a hot chocolate. Or something else mundane.

Anyway…

The insight was this. If you defend automatically against someone, then you risk losing. You risk losing A LOT. Everything in fact.

I spent my whole life mostly being unconscious of my automatic defence mechanism. It would just happen and I couldn’t stop it. It still does happen, although now I can get to the realisation a lot faster, which is awesome but I still have a long way to go.

But until today, I never equated the act of defence with the act of offence. Putting the wall up to keep people out actually just, well, keeps them out. And then you’re stuck there behind the wall jumping around going ‘fuck, what just happened there?’

  • When you go into defence, you don’t let the other person finish.
  • When you go into defence, you don’t let that person show that they love you.
  • When you go into defence, all people feel is attacked. Even if they were trying to help you. Even if they were just trying to cope with the situation themselves and it had nothing to do with you, just how they were feeling and trying to process.

Today, two things happened simultaneously.

Person A attacked me. She was feeling snarky all day for whatever reason. Let’s be clear. I’ve hurt Person A quite badly because I said to her that our marriage of 15 years could not be repaired and I was leaving. So she has quite a bit of processing to do. Anyway, she attacked me in a public forum that has sort of been my safe place for a while – Twitter. While most people would not have noticed this, and while I may have reacted differently otherwise, something else had happened just before this.

Person B had hurt me. Not because of what she’d done but because she had refused to see how I might be hurt by those actions. She’d gone into defence mode. She’d felt bad for what she’d done and then wounded that I didn’t react the way she expected or wanted me to. She thought that I was attacking her by asking her to think of how I felt.

Except I wasn’t attacking her. I just wanted to see if she could understand how what she’d done could affect others. I wasn’t going to run off. I wasn’t going anywhere.

But instead of giving me time to process, and giving herself time to answer my question, she threw up her hands and ran. Just like I would have done. So within an hour of me saying ‘can you not understand how this might make me feel’, she had given up on our friendship.

I look at this situation and it makes me sad. Not because I’ve lost her (although that does make me sad) but because I can see that I’ve done this many times before. That I’ve hurt people who loved me because I was so scared of being attacked.

So it’s ironic (ha! Yeah you know it little ‘in joke’) that Person B has illuminated what Person A has been trying to tell me for 15 years. And I wanted to hear her, I swear I did.

But sometimes we need to see things in our own time. Sometimes we feel too attacked to see that people are just trying to help us in the only way they know how.

So here’s what I’m saying right now.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry to Person A for attacking you when I was defending myself for so long. I honestly didn’t mean it, but I’m sorry I did it and for causing you pain.

And I’m sorry to Person B too, because I might have handled this differently if I’d had this realisation sooner. However, next time I hope I’ll do better with someone else.

Sometimes I wonder why I need to blog this stuff. And I’ve been asked why I need to bear my soul so publically.

But the act of putting it out there cements it in reality. It makes it real inside me and at some point I hope, in a little way, it might help someone else realise something too.

Because we are all just people, trying to be people. Trying not to hurt but spinning around like crazy toy spinning tops, out of control, a whirl of colour, crashing into things. Bumping ourselves. Bumping others.

I’m not perfect and I never will be but I am so grateful that this time is happening for me now. I wasn’t ready before. I had to decide to be happy. I had to decide to be open to the potential.

So this is my journey and I’m going to keep telling it, because in the telling it becomes something more for me.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Today’s lesson

So let’s start this by saying I’m sure I deserve everything I get.

And I’m not perfect and I’ve hurt people, people that I love.

Today’s rollercoaster spin was prompted by person A (ex wife of 15 years) and person B (new friend of approx. 30 days).

But I’m not going to talk about them or what they did or didn’t do.

I’m going to talk about what I did or didn’t do after their actions – my reactions…

Firstly, I did tweet a bit of a ‘fuck you’ to the both of them as I went into defence mode. Not mature, this is true.

I tried to bring it back to the moment with my family lunch, but between my heart pain and my smashing stress headache I found that almost impossible.

Emotionally exhausted, I recognised that I was only going to hurt these people at the table – people who were not responsible for this current pain. So I excused myself and went for a walk.

On my walk I raged against both person A and B. I was angry and upset at both of them. I was truly hurting.

I was walking in the countryside and although there was no one around, and not a creature but cows and birds to be disturbed, it was very difficult for me to let out that pain. It took the fourth deep breath before I could actually make any noise at all. But eventually I did yell out a few times. I expressed my pain responsibly, where no one could be hurt by it.

I walked. I cried. I walked. I cried. I saw a dead kangaroo and parrots in flight. I saw countryside of green hills and blue skies and little rivulets of water running down the side of the road. I walked. I cried. I noticed the beauty of the day. I felt my pain.

I got blisters.

I fought with myself about the line between being open to love and pain, and being respectful of myself and not letting people hurt me.

I’m still a bit iffy about that line because it’s very easy for me to shut down completely. And I don’t want to do that because these last few months of living raw and real have been incredibly rewarding. Painful beyond belief but so much growth!

But the pain brings so much instability to my days. I can be sad, then elated or the other way around. I can feel such sadness I can’t even get out of bed. Or I’m on the verge of tears all day.

I can feel such joy that I feel born anew, fresh skinned into the sunshine for the first time. Purposeful, strong.

And all of this can happen in a week, sometimes a 24 hour period. It’s unsettling for someone who is used to being in control. Or at least the illusion of it because of course, you can’t control anything or anyone.

So today, I went on another journey of discovering how I can work with people, pain and myself.

I’ll allow those people to do what they need to do.

Person A, is my teacher. I continue to learn from her every day. Today I learned again that I made the right decision in leaving. 

Person B, well, she says she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I’ll miss her because she taught me a lot. Bye bye little bird.

And in all of this I still wish us all, every happiness the Universe can bring, because the Universe does not make mistakes, and we are all each other’s teachers and students.

So at the end of this day, this painful day, even though I cry, I thank them both for all that they are and all that they show to me.

Wishing you (especially both of you) all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

 

 

 

Little bird on the branch with me…

It’s going to kill me to wait for you to wake up every night.

It’s going to frustrate me to have to ignore you during the day while I’m at work.

You fall asleep in the middle of conversations.

Your morning is my night.

Your today is my yesterday.

This distance thing – how is it supposed to work?

Patience. Letting go of control. Patience. Letting go of control.

But all I can think is –

Wake up baby

Wake up baby

Wake up baby

Wake up baby

Wake up baby

Wake up baby

Little bird on the branch with me… Wake up so I can hear you sing.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Accidentally in pain…

Accidentally hurting someone is still hurting them.

My ex of 15 years said she never deliberately hurt me. But the things she did still hurt.

I’ve certainly hurt people accidentally. I didn’t mean it but that doesn’t make it any less painful for the person.

Not actually having any idea that you are hurting someone… should that be an excuse?

I don’t know.

All I know is right now I’m hurting from old and new wounds and neither of them are deliberate but those wounds still ache.

And I don’t want to feel either pain right now. I don’t want to feel the new pain or the old ache. I don’t want the sick feeling in my stomach or the heaviness of my chest.

How much of it is my fault? How much of it can I choose to be affected by? Can I stop myself from being hurt without shutting down because I know shutting down will stop this pain, at least temporarily.

How do I go through this, with people who don’t even realise they hurt me? Do I just stop it now or do I go on, knowing that like a tiger, they will hurt me even as they just be themselves. How do I educate without being wounded, or wounding in return?

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

 

Celebrity side boobs and the non art of trash media

So I was flicking through the celebrity trash mags online today because I’m sick and that’s what you do when you’re sick.

I have to say, I barely recognised anyone and almost no one was there for doing anything to do with actual talent. Oh, except for maybe the Gosling and Mendes baby thing. But that’s not really about talent, per se…

But really, do people actually find this stuff interesting when they’re healthy? I mean it’s so ridiculously trivial! And most probably lies. And a lot of side boob.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love a bit of side boob but even I, in my snot induced brain haze, cannot deal with the amount of repeated ‘shock’ over someone’s nipple or their cute kitten or 25 year old photos of Angelina Jolie in some ‘drug den’ … apparently.

Why are humans like this? Why do we do this bullshit nit-picking about other people? OK, that one’s pretty easy…

But why do we make people who aren’t talented celebrities? Why is some person who stood in front of a camera for five minutes now supposedly so interesting? Or someone with money? I tell you, they are not that interesting to me, which is why I don’t read this crap when I’m well and have better things to do.

Seriously, the trivialisation and downplaying of real talent by focussing on Z-grade pretty people smacked out on booze at parties or dropping some side boob is a disappointing aspect of the human race.

Probably not as disappointing as bombing each other but I think the distraction of the masses by stupid people actually contributes in the long run to dehumanising us all. We become just a body part on Instagram, a train wreck to not look away from, a piece of trivia on a page.

And that is a real shame.

Mixed up in all of this is the real talent who are also being taken down by the stupid, fed by the masses who consume this crap.

I think that also contributes to the inappropriate use of social media with celebrities. If the standard of regular media is so low, then can we blame young people exposed to it for taking that and running with it? Can we say that we’ve taught them manners when all they need to do is go online and see people being treated so disrespectfully by so called credible sources? Why wouldn’t they the transfer this example to how they interact with celebrities? Or even each other?

Cyber bullying is as dreadful as real life bullying but isn’t that what these trash media channels promote? Is it not bullying to put photos of young women with fashion fails online and then call them out on it? Or young men drunk and lashing out?

I don’t know what the answer is. All I can do is my best and probably my best is not good enough all the time because I’m human. And I really like looking at nice side boobs but please note – on people who wanted them to be photographed in the first place.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

The Sexynight: Reprise 2 NSFW

The blonde grunted as her husband entered her from behind, pushing himself inside her slowly but firmly. She liked the way he filled her, and usually she would be transported by his rhythmic thrusting but tonight she was distracted.

Tonight she’d had cause to go into the guest room for something – she could no longer remember what – and had been struck by the image of herself and the brunette intertwined on the bed all those months before.

She bit her lip as her husband’s thrusting sparked a surge of pleasure through her, knees buckling slightly. ‘OK hon?’ he panted as he slowed to allow her to steady. She nodded, blonde curls bouncing around her face and he resumed.

She went back to her thoughts of the brunette, despite her best efforts to concentrate on her husband’s exertion. She closed her eyes and could see the brunette beneath her, lips moist and ripe…so kissable. She remembered those kisses on her body, those lips around her nipples, that smile as it appeared before her.

Bought back from her thoughts of the lesbian inside her, the blonde knew from the man’s increased grunting that he was not far away from coming. She tried to concentrate on her own pleasure, feeling him inside her, her own tension mounting. She knew though that her distraction meant he was not going to get her there tonight.

‘Ugh, I’m gonna come’ he grunted and she turned her head towards him and said ‘do it baby’. A few more thrusts and then she felt him shudder inside her, his pleasure running into her, his hands gripping her ass for support. Finally he pulled out and collapsed beside her. She lay down beside him, grabbing some tissues to wipe away his cum on the way.

He kissed her and reached down between her legs. She kissed him back but brushed his hand away. She didn’t feel like his big hands touching her when she couldn’t get the sensation of the brunettes fingers sliding around her wet cunt out of her mind.

She slid her own hand down her body and between both of their contributions she was well and truly lubed. She moaned at the touch and her husband kissed her neck and flicked her nipples casually but it was the brunette she was imagining, tracing around her wet lips and throbbing clit.

She pictured the brunette between her legs, watching as she played, kissing and licking up and down the inside of her thighs. She could feel those eyes on her as she picked up the pace on her clit, bringing herself closer to the climax she was now desiring.

The man beside her sensed the blonde’s increased efforts and moved to sucking on her nipples hard, just how he knew she liked it. She cried out at the sensation and increased her own efforts but in the end, it was the thought of the brunette sucking on her swollen clit that rolled her over the edge and into her orgasm.

She rested for a minute as her husband moved off the bed and into the bathroom, then pushed three fingers into herself as she worked her clit again. She whimpered at the pleasure and the extra effort and was shortly rewarded with an intense climax, her cunt contracting around her fingers, the pleasure pulsating through her. Breathing so heavily that she was almost hyperventilating, she lay on the bed alone, yet sensing the brunette hovering over her, watching her face as the waves of pleasure subsided.

She opened her eyes and watched as her husband returned to the bed.

‘I know that look’ he said, resigned. 

She nodded at him. It was time for the second playdate with the brunette.

Previous reprise here if you so desire!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

 

 

Virtual hugs

I’ve discovered that virtual hugs are almost as good as real ones. I think it’s because your brain doesn’t know the difference. Or at least it accepts it as a very good substitute. I should probably insert some scientific proof for this here. However I’m feeling lazy so I’m not going to.

And I was talking about actual hugs. That wasn’t a euphemism for virtual sex. Although that is quite good too…

But back to the hugs and the skin hunger…

Baths seem to be good for that too. I’ve probably had more baths in the last few months than in the last few years. Something about the soft touch of warm water on your skin. Being enveloped, caressed, held.

Hugging your favourite soft toy from childhood while hiding under a blanket is also acceptable. Mine is a clown called, funnily enough, Clownie (well I don’t know who named him but anyway, whatever). I realise that lot of people are freaked out by clowns but fortunately Clownie is not particularly freaky and I love him. Even now. He comforts me and anything that comforts you cannot be a bad thing, as long as you’re using it appropriately and it’s not getting in the way of your regular life. That kind of makes me think about Japanese guys with their lifelike sex dolls, but trust me, Clownie and I do not have that type of relationship!

But let’s not go off on a tangent. Please.

If you have the chance to hug someone either for real or virtually, I encourage you to do it. I wrote a whole post on skin hunger earlier so I won’t repeat it. Suffice to say that some days are worse than others but the virtual hugs are definitely helping.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person