The ‘sexynight’ – NSFW

So what are our middle aged, female protagonists up to? One blonde, the other brunette. Both stunning in their own way…

The blonde pulled her into the semi dark room. The premise was understood – as the bisexual in her marriage, she had certain desires she needed fulfilled. Her husband allowed it on the proviso that he was the one who chose her female companion and she couldn’t ever see them more than twice.

It was still a surprise to the brunette, who had come to lunch expecting salad and white wine, not sexy antics. She was still a little stunned but not enough to be put off. The blonde was smoking hot in every which way you could imagine, and the lesbian was not about to say no.

It became very quiet as their eyes adjusted to the low light of the guest room. The blonde moved to kiss the brunette but she quickly evaded it, stepping around behind her, pulling her close. ‘You’ll have to give me a minute to catch up’ she whispered in the blonde’s ear as they pressed against each other. She slid her hands around the bisexual’s waist, running her hands up gently but firmly up the sides of her body, bringing her arms up around over her own head.

Exposed, the blonde gasped as the other woman’s hands slid back down her arms, flicked lightly over her breasts, nipples already hard in anticipation, and down to her stomach where they paused for a moment, before pulling the shirt material up and touching skin. She smiled and pushed back into the brunette as her neck was kissed and the hands crept upwards under the shirt.

‘Looks like that minute is done’ she said, launching gently away and turning slowly so the other woman could get her hands sliding around her body and caressing the skin on her back. Not letting the brunette get away this time, the blonde took her face in her hands and kissed her slowly and passionately.

The brunette pressed the blonde against her, opening her mouth to the woman’s kiss, her tongue gently flicking in and out. She ran her hands down and gave her butt a squeeze and the blonde grunted, her kisses became more insistent, her own butt now being handled. Breaking the kiss, the lesbian pushed the other woman away enough to get room to undo shirt buttons and found her own buttons also suddenly undone.

After deftly sliding off the brunette’s bra, the blonde dispensed of her own, then pulled the other woman close, warm skin to warm skin. Deliberately overbalancing them, she pulled the brunette on top of her onto the bed. She moaned and exposed her neck further to the brunette’s lips as she again kissed her, nibbling her ear, her breathing quickening as their hips gently rocked against each other, an almost automatic motion of desire to move together.

The lesbian moved from neck to chest, enfolding the blonde’s breasts in her hands before spending some time with tongue on hard nipples. This elicited quiet, frustrated moans from the blonde, whose hips continued to rock against the other woman’s body, hands running through luxurious hair or grabbing the skin on her back.

Her clit was throbbing against her jeans as the bisexual pushed the brunette off her, heading straight for her jeans, which she roughly pulled off. They both came up on their knees for a minute, kissing, hands groping everywhere, before the blonde pulled them over yet again and allowed the brunette to pull her jeans and underwear off, leaving her naked.

The brunette paused for a moment to take in her beautiful nakedness before grabbing her legs and pulling her closer in a smooth movement, laying on top of her with her full weight and kissing her hard. She could feel the blonde’s insistent thrusting, trying to get closer, as she wound her hand behind her right leg, pulling it upwards and opening the bisexual up further, squeezing her thigh, her butt, thrusting her tongue roughly inside her mouth.

The blonde responded by curling both legs up over the brunette, both of them grinding against each other, desperate for a closer touch, bringing rougher, wetter, harder kisses to face, neck and shoulders. Breathing heavily, she whispered ‘fuck me’ in the brunette’s ear before sinking her teeth into the woman’s shoulder.

Turned on by the request and surprised by the sudden hard but not painful biting, the lesbian couldn’t stop from letting out cry into the blonde’s neck. She reached her hand down and lightly touched the blonde’s wetness, tracing her swollen lips, running her fingers across her entrance, teasing, eliciting frustrated moans from the woman underneath her. The blonde pushed herself towards the lesbian’s fingers but the experienced woman countered, smiling into a kiss as she deftly pulled away, leaving the feeling of her touch on the blonde’s wet edges.

‘Please fuck me’ came the plea again, more desperate this time but the brunette went back to teasing, a little heavier this time but not going inside, instead circling around her entrance and swollen clit, getting off on the power she had over the blonde, who was whimpering uncontrollably as she was caught between this pleasure and desire for more. Finally and unexpectedly she pushed two fingers gently into the wetness, drawing a long moaning ‘yes’ from the woman.

Just as her cunt was almost painfully aching, she felt the brunette finally go inside her. ‘One more’ she whispered to the lesbian, who complied, slipping another finger inside her without breaking her slow and steady rhythm. At that moment the blonde’s whole world was focussed on the feeling between her legs, the woman inside her, on top of her. She could hear the woman’s breathing quicken as her own excitement rose.

Sensing from the blonde’s movements that it was time to pick up the pace, the lesbian began a faster, harder thrusting motion which was immediately met by an ‘oh yes’ by the bisexual. She moved her legs up, further opening herself to the brunette and allowing her to push deeper inside. The lesbian could feel her own wetness seeping out as she thrust into the woman underneath her, adjusting the pace and the position in response to the blonde’s groaning. She took a nipple in her mouth and sucked on it hard, causing the blonde to cry out in surprise.

But if the lesbian thought she’d done wrong the blonde disagreed, pushing her head into her breast. Grunting, the lesbian took as much of it as she could in her mouth and sucked hard as the blonde rocked underneath her, head back and mouth open, sounds of pleasure filling the brunette’s ears.

The edge she was on was so good but now she wanted to roll over it, wanted to let go of it. ‘Come for me’ the brunette said in a husky whisper, her breath ragged from her own excitement and effort. That was all the blonde needed as she was overcome, her back arching, throwing them both up off the bed for a moment then down again as she bent forward, bringing the lesbian’s face to hers and accepting her tongue in her mouth as she continued to come.

Finally it faded, and sensing the end the brunette stopped the thrusting, resting inside the blonde as she slid her legs to the bed, her body spent, her chest still rising and falling quickly, her kisses slack, as if drunk from the pleasure. After another moment she carefully withdrew, tracing wet fingers up the blonde’s body and putting one in her mouth, sucking off the wetness. The other two she then gently pushed in the blonde’s mouth, playing with her tongue as she licked and sucked them clean.

‘So about that minute…’ the brunette said.

Wishing you all the happiness (!) the Universe can bring
A person

Just let it go

Today I went to the funeral of an old family friend. More my parent’s friend, but we’d grown up knowing him and his family and it seemed right to go.

The saddest thing was seeing his wife of 43 years just devastated and his kids, knowing they had lost their Dad. My Dad has cancer and is about to have radiation treatment, so there were definitely some thoughts about how soon I might be doing this myself.

However reflecting afterwards, the prevailing thought was how short life is, and how important it is to do what you want to do and be the person you want to be. Even if that means being alone or making hard decisions that upset people and quite frankly, your entire life.

Although I am incredibly sad about breaking up my family, I’m also excited to get back to me. In fact, I’m excited to find out who this me really is now, after a 15 year relationship. After all those ‘growth’ opportunities life has thrown my way.

It’s a long time since I’ve only had to answer to myself. It’s a long time since I only had to care what I thought about something. As a partner, and as a person, I’m the responsible one. I’m the one who worries about the future, about retirement savings and paying off mortgages.

Which means I’m the one who says no a lot. And seems mean and ungenerous when I say we can’t do that now; can’t have that; how much did that cost; do we really need that?

Man, I am so sick of that!

I’m quite positive that I’ll be fine in my retirement because I’m planning it that way but how come that didn’t stop me from trying to tie everything down? Why do I need to be so sure? So in control?

So now control has been thrown to the wind. She wants way more than half – in fact when you look at it she wants pretty much all of it so she can buy a house. Due to her chronic pain, she says she can’t work anymore, and I believe she believes that. I think it’s true for right now. I just don’t think it’s true forever.

So currently I have a big internal struggle. My sense of justice and fairness says this is not right. It’s not fair and plenty of people agree with me when I say what she wants me to give her. Just because we’ve been together for 15 years, and just because she can no longer work and has chosen to give up her job at this point, doesn’t mean that I have to look after her for the rest of her life. Does it?

My sense of just getting it done, just being happy, just sorting it out however, says who cares? It’s only money! The Universe is full of the stuff and if you get a legal agreement signed that this is it, there is no more for her in the future, then just do it. Just get it done. Just let it go. Go be free of mortgages and payments and her.

Of course, this does not discount the responsibility that I have for my daughter, who at nearly eight I will be parenting 50/50 with my ex. And I’m fortunate that I have family I can stay with in the meantime, while I do a bit of exploring and reconsidering what I really want and need in this life.

I’m so ready for this. I’m so ready to let it all go and start fresh. With the value of hindsight, some wisdom hard learned and plenty of excitement I go forward. Sure, sometimes I’ll feel sad and lonely – I miss cuddles and kisses terribly and it’s only been five weeks – but I’ll also know that I’m making choices for me. And while that might seem selfish I don’t think it is. My daughter will have all my love and be provided for. She will see that even when you make a hard decision, it can work out in the end.

So I say, as the bonfire raged last week, and as I watched the waves roll in and out today at my quick beach visit – let it go, let it go!

ocean

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Songs I can no longer listen to

Most of Pink’s The Truth About Love album, especially ‘Is this thing on?’

Taylor Swift ‘The last time’

Billy Joel ‘She’s got a way’

It’s just too painful that I’ve been listening to these songs for about eight months and ignoring what they have been saying, so after my ‘Universal gut punch’ I now can’t ignore their message. Would it have been different if I’d acted on their messages sooner?

I tried. I’m sure I did.

I read articles about being a better spouse and tried to implement some things. I tried to make myself look more attractive. I was attentive.

But the connection was lost. That loss was masked for a long time. It’s why I could ignore those song lyrics about longing. About trying one more time. About looking at someone and finding them so absolutely amazing.

When your heart knows the truth but your head doesn’t want to hear it, it will make stuff up for you. It will put a mask over your eyes. It will even make you think the exact opposite of what your heart is trying to tell you.

Which is why sometimes it seems sudden, when people finally realise it isn’t working. But the truth is it isn’t sudden at all, but a revelation that this is what the heart has been telling you all along. That the connection is gone, and it’s not coming back. That you have lost yourself and while this person is in your life in this way, you aren’t coming back.

And the desperate unhappiness has been masked for a long time but you didn’t know there was another option. You didn’t know that you could go back to being yourself or go forward to be the new you. You thought you needed this person to do that. That was the real mask.

Being alone doesn’t scare me at all. Being alone in a relationship is the most terrifying thought I’ve ever had. So I had to call it now because I don’t want to resent her further, or hurt her more, or lose more of myself into a role I didn’t want to play.

And I can’t listen to those songs anymore…

“Is This Thing On?”

Got your voicemail
Can you call me, at a hotel
There’s something that’s weighin’ heavy on my heart
And heavy on my chest
I’m the lone night, you’re the morning
I annoy you, and you bore me
And it’s hard enough to make it through a world that’s already a mess
All in good time, we’ll be just fine
Either way we need to be happy

[Chorus]
Tell me, is this thing on?
How do we keep this new
How do I keep you into me, into me
Without faking it too
What do we have to try
When everything is to lose
Cause it always is just me and you
But it’s the hardest thing, the hardest thing to do

And I want you, to want me
Like the first time you saw me
I know we’re ten years on
But in my head we’re still young and dumb
It is so hard, to let go and replace you
I still love you
I just wanna find the thing that made me think
This was the one
All in good time, we’ll be just fine
Either way we need to be happy

[Chorus]
Tell me, is this thing on?
How do we keep this new
How do I keep you into me, into me
Without thinking it too
What do we have to try
When everything is to lose
Cause it always is just me and you
But it’s the hardest thing, the hardest thing to do

It’s the hardest thing, the hardest thing to do

Tell me, is this thing on?
How do we keep this new
How do I keep you into me, into me
Without faking it too
What do we have to try
When everything is to lose
Cause it always is just me and you
But it’s the hardest thing, the hardest thing to do

Wishing you all happiness the Universe can bring
A person

On being sad

I’ve been a bit sad lately, which is evident from my blog.

But I’ve noticed other people being sad too, on Twitter. I don’t have that many followers and I don’t follow that many people but I do note the regulars and I enjoy engaging with them. I enjoy them engaging with me.

And I note that a few of them have been sad.

Here’s the thing about sadness. It’s a temporary feeling. It ebbs and flows. It comes and goes. One minute you will be sad, the next you will be OK, the next terrible, and then stupidly silly.

Sadness is not depression. Depression is an illness that needs medical attention. It is prolonged sadness, hopelessness, numbness, lethargy, anxiety. If you have sadness that you can never seem to get over, then maybe you need to talk to someone medical who can help you. I’m not saying you will need medicine, but you might because it also involves imbalances in brain chemistry.

For example, I have been treated for depression for many years now. Before treatment I’d be OK for a while and then something bad would happen. I’d be a bit less OK. Then something else would happen and I’d be even less OK. The third thing that happen would break me. I just didn’t have the amount of ‘happy/coping’ brain chemistry. Now I have medication that gives me that chemistry.

It’s a big deal to admit that to random people because of the automatic judgements you might have just made in your head about me. But there you go, I can’t control those.

So while I’m going through my extremely challenging time I am not depressed about it. I am sad, angry, guilty, grief-stricken, anxious, frustrated, resentful, annoyed, morose. Not depressed.

It’s OK to feel sad about something. It’s OK to feel happy again too. One of my dear friends lost her father recently. She feels so sad about it that she can’t even look at his photo. However, she can still laugh at things that are funny and be touched by things that are kind.

Don’t try to be sad because you think you ‘should’. Don’t try to be happy because you think you ‘should’. Just try to let those emotions roll in and out. Observe them. Be conscious of them. But don’t try to keep them or force them away.

This is my challenge. To let myself be; let my emotions come and go and not judge.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Nothing works right now.

Just because you are sure about something doesn’t mean you won’t be sad about it.

I’m so sad about breaking up my family. About losing my best friend. About moving from my Farm.

I’m sad going through all our stuff and figuring out what I want and what I don’t.

I’m hurting and it’s so hard to show it because I’m the one. I’m the one who broke us up. I’m the one who said no to trying again. I’m the one who had that ‘Universal gut punch’ and it’s so hard to explain that. And it’s so hard to keep that feeling in mind when all this sad stuff has to happen before all the happy stuff does.

I feel guilty about leaving my wife of 15 years because she could be in real trouble. Is that my fault? I don’t think so, she is making her own choices like she always has but I still feel like if she falls, it might be because I said no, I’m not going to do this for another two years before we really break up this time. Or five years. Or whatever.

Because I know, I KNOW, that the things that are wrong now will still be wrong then. That I won’t be doing either of us any favours if I ignore that fact. How do I know it’s a fact? It’s happened before…and we had six more years of happiness and love and joy and frustration and resentment and annoyance and dreams left behind and not being the people we should be allowed to be.

Don’t think that I don’t doubt my decision. Don’t think I don’t wonder if I ‘just gave up’. I do. I think about it every time I see some thing about people being married for 50 years. Or people talking about all the hard stuff they went through but they are still together.

But you know what? It wasn’t really the hard stuff that took us down.

It was all the little things. The unclean kitchen. The unwashed clothes. The money nags. The sex rejections. The casual disrespecting we did to each other. The chipping away. The big things we stepped up to, stepped into. The little things just wore it all down, wore it all away like dripping water on clay. It formed a hole that was eventually too deep and too wide to bridge.

Plus you know, some big things too. The dreams you put aside because I didn’t want to, was too scared to. The sacrifices I made because it was better for the family if I didn’t have what I wanted so we could all be better off financially.

Nothing works right now. You look so dejected and I feel so cold. But I still love you and I miss you. I just can’t be that person I need to be in a marriage with you. And I don’t think you can be who you want to be with me either. I can’t let us be shells of ourselves because it’s easier to stay together short-term or because it’s easier financially. I can’t be those people who have stayed together for 50 years but don’t love each other.

Without you I can breathe. And without me you will grow into the person you were meant to be. The person I stopped you from being.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

NB. This post has been edited on request of a third party.

Life’s detritus

After 15 years of being in a relationship you have a lot of stuff. Well, at least if you are fortunate to be prosperous like we have been anyway.

Going through that stuff to split it up is confronting, even if subtly. Packing books and photo frames and DVDs. Deciding who gets what. Trying to be fair. Probably failing.

Nothing ever feels fair in these things. It always feels as if you or I are getting more than we should at various times. You say you don’t want much. I say the same but we have two houses worth of most things, which is crazy.

I need to buy a new mattress.

Someone needs to buy a new washing machine. Someone is going to get a big fridge and someone the small one. How do you make it fair?

Breaking up is hard to do, especially when you need to deal with life’s detritus. The stuff that no one wants. The stuff of married, domesticated life.

I don’t want the bits of plastic or the rubbish towels. You don’t want old photo frames and books.

Things that once held meaning are now meaningless.

Things become waste eventually. Some just sooner than others.

Packing up and deciding what you want to keep with your future and what you want to leave in the past is hard work. Harder than just packing to move if you are moving out and moving away from each other.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person