Oral sex

My kid is not yet eight but when she is old enough, this is what I’m going to tell her about sex. Specifically, the sex that is apparently not sex – oral sex.

I’m going to tell her that just because you can’t get pregnant from something, does not mean it isn’t sex.

I’m going to tell her that if she isn’t comfortable giving someone oral sex, then don’t.

If she isn’t comfortable getting oral sex but someone wants her to give it to them, then she probably isn’t ready for it.

That if they aren’t willing to go down on her first, then they aren’t the right person to be having this sex with.

Because oral sex is really, really intimate. I can’t imagine doing anything more intimate than putting your mouth on or in someone’s genitals. And yes, I just used the word genitals.

No matter what bits you have on you or what bits you want to get your mouth onto, make sure that you like this person. Don’t just do it at a party because some person wants you too. Don’t do it because you don’t want to have ‘real sex’ – fucking – because if you aren’t ready for fucking then you aren’t ready for blow jobs and muff diving. And yes, I just said muff diving.

Sex is so, so, so good (times a million) if you are doing it willingly with someone who is also willing. Generally that means you might have had more than a cursory conversation. You might hopefully know their name and hopefully you will remember it because you weren’t too drunk.

Real sex is often awkward and sometimes embarrassing which is why you want to be sure you are doing it with someone who is going to be OK with that.

So my darling girl, make sure you really want to do whatever sex it is, and that your partner is willing to go there with you at the same pace. And please be safe, because no boy or girl worth anything will want you to accept otherwise.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

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Last days of…

I’m trying to enjoy my last days here in this house. It is such a beautiful space and I’ve put a lot of myself into it.

I see flowers and plants that I’ve put in the ground and nutured through heat and frost. I see trees that I’ve trimed and grass that I’ve mown.

I’ve seen kookaburras and budgies and rosellas and parrots from my study window.

I thought I would be here to write but not apparently. That is OK. I will be writing somewhere.

And even though it will be weeks and probably months before I move, I’m trying to be here, in the moment and enjoy it. This is a special place and I’m blessed to have been able to spend time here. Blessed to have pulled the weeds and plant and dig and trim. Blessed to have mown for hours on end. Blessed to have sheep and chickens and ducks to enjoy and be annoyed at and mourn.

I have been blessed and I am grateful for this and all the other moments on the Farm.

Even though it’s hard I will be OK. Everything will be OK.

Wishing you all the happiness that the Universe can bring
A person

It’s funny…

This breakup is like a rollercoaster.

One minute we are fine. One minute we are fighting. One minute we are not really talking. One minute we are pretending to be OK for our daughter.

That’s a lot in four minutes.

And today I realised that I can kiss anyone I want now. But there isn’t anyone to kiss and I probably don’t really want that right now anyway.

I am quite happy about being financially responsible for myself again though. Obviously for my daughter as well. But I seem to have quite a lot of cash after all the bills are paid. I think I’ll be saving it for a rainy day…although I might have a bit of fun with it too.

I’ve been a financial fun free zone for a long time. I’m tired of being responsible and saying no. And anyway, I already have new bills to pay. But they are my bills, and I’m happy to pay them.

I’m looking forward to finding myself again. I’m the Calliope in the Calzona break-up sense. I’m trying to get back to me. Not sure I’ll be dancing in my underwear though…I think I’ll leave that to Sara Ramirez!

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring,
A person

When

When things fall apart and you don’t know when they are going to be back together again.

When people fall apart and send showers of sparks and shrapnel.

When I fall apart and feel empty.

When humans act human.

When your force field is damaged and you are running out of power.

When you wish you could just curl up and never unwind to face the world again.

When a pretty face brings you no pleasure and inane, inoccuous chatter hurts your brain.

When you see colour but no joy.

When I stand still and hurt.

We are all just people being people. I wish there was a painless way to do this.

There is not.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Why does anyone ‘ship’ anyone?

Because they can. Because they want to. Because it brings them comfort.

Why would you care? Why does it matter?

Why would it matter if it was two ‘straight’ people or ‘gay’ or transgender or purple?

People see what they want to see.

xenagab

Xena and Gabrielle were not supposed to be more than just friends. That’s not what I and my friends saw. So what if Xena had the odd boy (or Ares), and Gabrielle got married one time. It didn’t matter because their love was evident to us. In the end it was very clear they were more than just friends. After the show finished, everyone and their dog from the show was like ‘hell yeah, they were together!’

Why didn’t they write it in during the show? I don’t know, but some of their kisses and eye sex were more sensual than most of the Calzona kissing scenes in the last three seasons.

If people want to think that Emma Swan and Regina are going to end up together, then why does it matter? If people want Rizzole and Isles to move from the friend zone to something a little more sexy, well, so what?

Hot chicks getting it on together, to be frank, is quite fine with me. Will it offend me if the writers – yeah, the puppet masters of these characters – put them with boys? Nope. Won’t make a scrap of difference in my brain unless I let it. The writers have their own agendas and, well, they have all the power. So why stress?

People will see what they want to see. Some people swear black and blue that there is no way Xena and Gabrielle were lovers. They don’t want to see it. It doesn’t suit them. That’s fine.

Personally, I ship myself with no one at the moment but I tell you what… If SwanQueen gets a run I’ll be cheering from the sidelines, because… well… reasons (including hotness).

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

A two arm grip…what does that mean?

calzona 10.20

Yes, it’s a lovely picture.

But I can’t help thinking that the distance between them is too far. Why aren’t they closer together? Anyone who wants to try to replicate this scene, walk with me. Get into bed with your significant, loved other. How far apart are you? If you are loved up, you are already touching and that is before you even turn to each other.

Further, I can’t help but notice (aside from what looks like black nail polish) that Arizona is gripping Calliope’s arm – is it tender, or is it desperate? A two arm grip…what does that say? Not ‘I’m so open and happy’. More like ‘I’m so happy you’re happy and I’m desperately trying to keep it that way’.

I have a beautiful daughter. My ex and I did try for another baby. Not so our daughter wouldn’t be lonely but because we wanted another tiny human in our lives. It wasn’t to be and that is that. We love our girl and she is perfectly happy and healthy on her own. We make sure she has plenty of time with her cousins, friends and us.

Calliope wants another baby for herself because she loves children and wants to parent and love another one. Arizona wants another baby because she doesn’t want Sophia to be alone. They both have siblings but Arizona’s is dead. We never see or hear about Calliope’s – so are they close? It doesn’t seem that way.

So we have a person who never wanted children wanting another child to keep the existing one from being alone. What does that say really? To me it says ‘I hate being alone and I will do anything to stop that from happening’. To me it says, ‘it’s hard and sad to be alone’.

Perhaps like everyone else in this fandom I’m over thinking it. I don’t know what Shonda has in store. All we know is Arizona and Calliope are loved up and going for baby number two (are we meant to think the coin is not the only thing flipping in this episode, based on this picture?!)

However, Arizona jumped straight to the ‘are you sleeping with someone else?’ before Calliope could spit out that she wanted another baby. She immediately went there, to the darkest place. The place of least trust. And when you don’t have trust in a relationship it is very precarious. When you don’t have trust you have desperation and doubt. You have people doing things that they don’t want to do to make the other person happy. I don’t think Arizona trusts Calliope because she knows Calliope can no longer fully trust her. Because when someone has cheated on you, you can forgive all you want but you can’t forget. And if you can’t forget then you can’t truly trust.

I enjoy this TV show and I enjoy watching these two beautiful actors play these roles. I enjoy the Shondaland rollercoaster. But I get a little bit of vomit in my mouth when I see this on my Twitter timeline with love hearts and emjois all over it because all I see is a too big gap between them and a desperate, two arm grip.

I wish it wasn’t so. I really do.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person

Breaking up is hard to do

Breaking someone else’s heart to end the breaking of yours. The regret and sadness of doing such a thing to the person that you love. Losing your best friend. These are the hardest things to walk through, even when you know that it’s right.

There is no comfort in that feeling. Only resolve. Resolve is not a soft place but it is a good place.

It’s harder in the morning

Last night I ended my 15 year relationship. It was the toughest conversation I’d ever had. The hardest, bravest thing I’ve ever had to do.

This morning it all seems surreal. Except it’s not.

This morning I see all the fresh new things in the day and I realise that there are a lot of things I’ll miss about being here, in this space. So many things I’ll miss enjoying, seeing, touching, experiencing.

But I have to believe that while I can miss these things, the new things I’ll experience, see and touch will be just as wonderful. Maybe even more wonderful. More than I can imagine right now.

My friend, who has gone through this a couple of years back, said to me:

Because it was me who did it, me who split up the family, I thought I didn’t have the right to grieve. I thought I didn’t have the right to be sad. After six months I finally went, ‘you know what, I’m fucking sad, so very sad about this’. Then I cried and cried and eventually I stopped crying and stopped being as sad.

It’s a feeling I recognise less than 24 hours later. This is my fault, I don’t get to feel sad, I don’t get to miss these things that I’m forcing us – not just me but my family – to give up.

But I do feel sad, so incredibly sad, that I couldn’t be myself in this relationship. And I couldn’t be the best person I wanted to be in this relationship. And even though that doesn’t seem like a big reason in the morning to have torn my family apart, I have to keep believing that how I felt was legitimate. That how I felt was important. IS important.

I have to remember the feeling I had when I knew – I KNEW – how I really felt in this relationship. That was my true feeling. A blessing to feel that because it doesn’t happen very often, those moments of clarity in this distraction filled world. To be free of all the ‘stuff’ and crap that covers over those emotions. To feel something so real, so true that it shakes you, physically, literally.

I go back to that. I hold onto that because it’s too easy to say ‘it doesn’t matter’. It’s too easy to slip back and let the ‘stuff’ cover it over. The comfortable, ‘not that bad’ stuff.

It’s so much harder in the morning. I’ll probably cry more then.

Wishing you all the happiness the Universe can bring
A person